Tuesday, December 9, 2008

God Responds to Aldo

Dear Aldo,

For the longest time, I have been ignoring you and your civilization since you were one of my more unpolished earlier works. Yet something about your letter, Aldo, as compared to the thousands of letters and prayer requests I receive everyday, stood out to me. Usually I disregard most these requests for more important matters like listening to the new Stufjan Stevens record or creating new kinds of vegetables or helping my other creations celebrate their eternal peace and happiness, but your letter took me back to a simpler time in my life.

If you want to know the truth, I turned in your civilization as a last minute project for my world creation class in high school. I didn't even start creating you until the week before the assignment was due and didn't put forth my best effort as I'm sure you can tell based on your history of wars, poverty, pain and pop stars. Since then I have earned a degree in world creation and my work has moved passed you. At this point it is not worth my effort to fix the messes you have created for yourselves.

Think of it like this, Aldo, your dirty swirlies are completely insignificant in the grand scheme of all of the universes ever created. Nothing about you is important to me anymore. If I cared about you, wouldn't I come down and punish the young men who are shoving your head into the toilet everyday? Wouldn't I come to your universe and end all wars and suffering? Now, you might say I have to let your civilization learn from your mistakes and a few people in your universe are good at doing that but let's face it you have been making the same mistakes over and over for millions of years.

Here's is my advice to you: stop whining and start doing something to fix the problems in your universe. Stop consuming and co-habitating and start creating and connecting. And for the last time, please learn to turn the other cheek.

Don't expect to hear from me again, humanity.


Tommy Timeline Pt 1

1991: Tommy is the spawn of immortal progency
1991 part 2: The God Balnu rests after the long labourous job of creation
1992: Tommy's wings and fangs finally sprout as do his pubes
1993: Tommy's wings are chopped off and his fangs filed down after local livestock go missing
1994: Tommy, under the moniker "Fred Donkeybark" founds the legendary Camel Crew
1994 part 2: Tommy leaves the Camel Crew citing creative differences with Joe Camel and Paul Mcartney
1994 part 3: Paul forms the legendary comedy troup The Beetles leaving Tommy as the 6th Beetle that nobody but me knows about
1996: Tommy commands his parents and family to move to NC, Tommy is growing in power
1997: Tommy's mind has to be erased so the NASA secrets will never be shared with the pubic
1998: Tommy goes on hiatus and demands that everyone call him the letter "W"
1999: Tommy is the first male ever to lactate. This is the origin of parmesan cheese
2000: Tommy marks the millenium by dropping a duece in the Scotland Yard
2001: Tommy goes to the super market
2003: Tommy gives his rib up to create the Frankenstien Monster (The Modern Prometheus)
2004: After Frankenstein destroys Balnu with his car Tommy vows to hunt and kill the monster
2006: After a 25 hour labor period, Tommy gives birth to Thomas Edward Waalkes 2000 but once it hatches TEW2000 tries to devour Tommy so Tommy has to kill and eat the offspring with Hoisin Sauce
2007: Upset over TEW2000, Tommy takes fertility drugs
2008: Tommy holds the world for ransom for a sum of 8$ at a local bookstore, a sum which as of yet has not been paid
2009: Tommy invents the cure for the common cold
2009 part 2: Tommy decides not to share the cure with anyone but his talking robodog Paco because they cancelled Hangin' With Mr. Cooper
2012: Tommy Kills SATIN!!
2013: Tommy gives birth to 9,000 babies named TEW1-9,000
2013 part 2: Tommy destroys the lost city of Atlantis and doesn't even give a fuck about it
2014: Tommy invents the disposable car
2015 part 2: Tommy boards the Titanic2.0 and ends up steering it into a hippopatamus on his way to work. Tommy dies... Or does he?

Monday, December 8, 2008

Free Write

Alright I need to do a free write.
If I babble long enough I will come up with something prolific.
Maybe I shall about a topic in specific.
Greed, Pride, and Sloth plague us:
When in doubt get some more.
I'm never wrong.
I'll never ask what for?
Drain their blood till it's all gone.
They're all ants to me.
I'd rather die burning, than live running.
I'll skim from them
Oh naturally, it's all without sin
If they keep sitting, and not seeing

Dip into your wallet,
I need some more polish
to dazzle more magpies
for my gullet.
I'll giggle and smile all the while,
Funding my debonair style.

Sunday, December 7, 2008


Fuck homework he's some poetry:

Tommy Waalkes

I guess I’m supposed to be a worker bee
and work only for the colony.
Looks like I have to put a pen and let words flow freely.
I’m supposed to be a cog in the machine
and turn in the same place daily.
Forcing out creativity and saying this is me!
I guess im suppose to be happy
and manufacture my own faith, love, and loyalty.
Create my image, paint myself as divinity.
Is that the only way I will go down in history?
I’m supposed to lie about my identity,
have it change endlessly to please anybody.
Living and thinking outside the stream of notoriety,
to be remembered I must please the historians, Society.

On the sweatshop’s floor,
in the barroom’s roar,
behind the bedroom’s door,
I am supposed to prove I am a man
to some whore.
Be a manly or be a faggot.
This life
the dreamer’s nightmare.
No heaven nor hell
just mediocrity.
Just bland society.
Just generic gender monogamy.
Just shallow substitutions for reality.
Just a band-aid for malady.

Practice gluttony.
Surround yourself with new toys.
Get a pool, a garden, a TV, a Wii, a computer, a golden knee.
Build a wall with the toys.
Keep everyone out, hide behind techno1ogy.
Like Tylenol for a cancer,
numb the pain until death
living to die tragically,
not to live happily.

Monday, December 1, 2008

If God Loves Me, Why Can't I Get My Locker Open?

Dear God,
How many dirty swirlies is a reasonable amount to receive in one day? The kids in my gym class have told me that I deserve 2 dirty swirilies everyday while everyone watches. These events are quite unpleasant and hard to explain to my math teacher 4th period, but I do not want to break the social customs of American school systems. There are no such events as dirty swirilies in Poland and I would prefer not to offend my new American school comrades by refusing to participate in their important daily customs.

I have tried writing to various pop stars, including the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus, for guidance, but all I received were autographed photos, lists of tour dates, and, in the case of Michael Jackson, directions to his wonderland ranch with a note attached saying I should give it to someone at an airport or a bus station. Although it seems that most American young people treat these pop stars as the ultimate authority, I have found their advice thus far a bit lacking. So, I am writing to You, Almighty God, as suggested in this informative brochure, based on the recommendation of my host parents who told me that you have all of life's answers. I hope they are right because I would very much like to know the answer to this difficult dilemma of the dirty swirilies.

In my searches of Wikipedia, Encyclopedia Britannica, and the Webster's dictionary, they have provided me with little advice on this custom of America's young people. You, God, are really my last chance. After You, I'm out of ideas or up the creek of poop as the young people here call it. I have even spoken some prayer and accepted Your eternal salvation based on the advice of my host parents. They even said that with your grace, I can find inner piece by turning my cheeks as I watch the feces whipping around my head while the toilet flushes. God, any information or extra cheeks that you can send my way would be accepted with open palms, but I'm beginning to worry about brain damage caused or infection that might be caused by these seemingly innocent customs.

Your friend from Poland,

Education School Class

1. When you fry balogna it tastes like a hot dog.
2. Eat Yogurt with a spoon only, Jerk.
3. Just because your conditioner smells like fruit doesn't mean it tastes that way.
4. No ice cubes in beer or milk. You should know this.
7. No high fructose corn syrup.
9. Loch Ness, Orang Pendak, Big Foot, and The Mongolian Sand Worm are all real. They laughed at Jules Verne.
10. Caffiene is a drug.
16. Open bar is pretty much the best thing.
17. Listening to 3 different songs at the same time while high with make your head explode.
18. Don't laugh. Head explosions aren't funny.
19. Once I tried astral projection. I woke up exactly an hour later with a splitting headache. Horsehit.
21. The only survivng member of the Frankenstien family at the end of the eponymous novel is Ernest Frankenstien.
22. Depending on the strength of your stove top, it takes about 8 minutes to hard boil an egg.
23. The f word appears 182 times in the movie Scarface. This is where Blink 182 got their name.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Interview of Brewster Butler

In his first interview after coming out of the closet, Brewster Butler who despite his sexuality is still an the same errotic adventurer sits down with me for an exclusive heart to heart in his lavish leather manshion.
Tommy: Hey brew brew why don't you have a seat?
Brewster: Okay
T: So what's this new album about?
B: it's entitled hitting people with pillows, the single is I wanna have a snowball fight
T: What's your favorite emotion?
B: I love being in love lawl!
T: Why is it your favorite?
B: because it brings me closer to Jesus.
T: What's your guilty pleasure?
B: I like reading twilight novels and then renacting them with land before time puppets and myself I'm ALWAYS Bella. He cant help but sympathize with her. I mean shit he's ridiculously clumsy and has brown hair as well. yours?
T:rubbing ma nipples. Tell me about a time you were happy.
B: that's all the time. but seriously Tom Tom, back in November 1993 I was at this dance party one night with a bunch of friends because shit I love to DANCE, but only with guys, I can't dance with girls. The mere THOUGHT of dancing with girls is just stomach churning. But in any case everything was cool, I danced with my friend Guido some guy who is a DIRTY dancer. But then I started dancing with this other guy. I mean I'd only ever talked to him a few times. Like three. But shit we danced, we DANCED and then oh hey we made out a lot too. And by a lot I mean A LOT. I never saw him again but it was a good night! What makes you happy?
T: okey dokey, I'm happy when I sniff glue then go to see you! Who would you rather do Miley Cyrus, Mathew Broddrick, or Micheal Buckley?
B: Mathew Broddrick
T: Crunchy or creamy peanut butter?
B: I fucking hate peanut butter!
T: why?
B: It is terribleness times nine thousand
B: It smells putrid, god fucking awful. In kindergarden, Some one threw up in my peanut butter sandwhich when I wasn't looking and actualy made it taste BETTER.
T: Was that a positive experience for you?
B: no dipshit it was not
T: What helps you remember things? Any tips or tricks for the struggling student?
B: I Hide things in small color coded crevices such as as the space between the bathroom counter and the small trash bin. Organization is good.
T: Drug of choice, excluding life.
B: I've taken pretty much every drug and I have to tell you, I'm not too keen on any of them anymore. I mean nothing gave me any englightenment or life changing experiences. Oh but shit, my wardrobe improved. Any time I got high or was trashed off my ass on anything I went and bought some nice ass designer shoes. So I've got a pretty fucking sweet wardrobe now thanks to drugs.
T: What's your favorite Cliche?
B: a Penny saved is a penny Earned.
T: well okay then that just about wraps everything up. Looks like the syanide I gave you is starting to kick in.
T: tune in next time when I go face to face with the question puzzling modern man: Prada or Guiche?
I walk out helping myself to any valuables. Brewster's corpse is flicking me off the whole time.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

New Post? Great Job!

As I sit here luking @ my Microsoft, I harcken bak 2 my days as a future ROAD WARRIOR/JANITOR. Custodian, Dik! Sory. NEway, my robodog is telling me its time 2 move on. Wen me Robodog tels me its time 2 muve on its time 2 move on. Hoo am I to Rgu with a talking Dog/Shark/Angry Cowboy. Where wuz I?
I wuz N the bak of my beet up Winna bago dryveeng the doons in search of much Preciouze Huile. This wuz B4 I ditched the Winna bago for a Elektrik Hibrid Shooter Scooter. Don't LAUGH. I get 60 miles 2 tha gallon on that hog! If I had 2 sum up wut it's like in the future, Id have to tell U bout the blud hungry sentinal loan sharks after my starbucks. Well... Lung story shirt, I owe muney all around town includes 2 nown pornographers.
NE way, where wuz I?
Yes, my bycycle. I wuz way faster then my rollarblades EVAN THO it didnot have tha bottle rokits. (sid nowt: bottle rockets R not really maid from bottles, Dick.)
NE way, my robot dog is giting angray at me so I must be frankly. My sinful admission is that N the future FakeBuk has ben replaced with TALKING SEX ROBOTS. Men R from Mars/ Womyn R form Venus/ Talking sex robots R form my naybours bacement.
NE way. AM I from the future? Yes. Without my help NASAW wood never have Nvented Tang/ Space Cheese/ Jolly Good Space Fun Time/ AND / Space Robots maid 2 explore the Outer Reaches of yur IMAGINATION! Also MJ wood never invented the SPACE WALK!!! I know right!!!!!! (add more Excavation Pts {!} for extar Imphasis!) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IMPHASIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. U C? Get exited!
NE way, my robot dog wants to kill me. Maybe I should shoot his innertube so his circuits will short out in the pool.
I think this is where Ill conclude this jurney bout tha future. Thanks 2 all of U 4 listen 2 my preaching about THE FUTURE.
Where all tha ladies @?! @ BURGERKING checkin owt all the new BREAKFAST ITEMS!
NE Way, I think this is where Ill conclude this jurney bout the future. U R all vry stoopid.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

SPD Review

After showing a coworker the SPD sites (mainpage, myspace, etc) this was the review he gave:

"Fun stuff - It's like a home brew combination of King Missle, Joe Christmas, Dalek, I Love You, and Crispy Ambulance with Mad Magazine, or a writer for Adult Swim (Cartoon Network) supplying the lyrics. Thanks for passing it on!"

This seems to be the most positive and well informed SPD review ever, at least that wasn't churned out by our propaganda machine.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Megaman X is a Metaphor

I'm sure you are all aware Barrack Obama is the new united States President. I think that Capcom predicted Obama's victory and put it into game form.

Okay, for example, Megaman X is a Maverick hunter. His main color is blue(democrat), however, like any good modern politician he can change his color to green, black, pink, red (ironically), black, and white. Basically Megaman X and Barrack Obama have the ability to "change" their colors to fit the situation.

The more interesting example is Sigma (Aka John Mcain). Sigma is an ancient robot who is balding and calls himself a Maverick. He lacks the ability to shift his colors and sticks pretty much to the same habits every game (also he wears a red cape). He always has 8 Mavericks to back him up, he always fights with a melee weapon stubbornly adhering to tradition completely ignoring the available super-futuristic firearms, and he always has a hidden fortress in some barren locale. John Mcain picked a running mate from Alaska (which has a similar climate to the frozen fortress from megaman X2), he has a stubborn streak where he repeats favorite little catch phrases over and over, and he sticks to tradition.

Chill penguin is Joe Biden. Peguins have notorious potty mouths, and chill is an old English euphemish for drunken. Basically, Joe Biden says whatever the fuck he wants making him possible the biggest Maverick out of anyone...

Zero is Sarah Palin/Jesus. Zero has long hair and armor decked in red and fights with a traditonal weapon, a sword. Zero has this peculiar ability to rise back up from the dead (he does it just about every frikin game). Zero is the original maverick, he is the first reploid to transmit the Maverick Virus. However, Zero is such a Maverick that he joined Megaman's side just to buck what everyone thought he would do. Due to his long hair people often mistake Zero for a girl making it difficult to discern his sex. Sarah Palin is a girl and Jesus is an extension of God who is essentially genderless (side note: HOW THE HELL DO ROBOTS HAVE GENDER??)

In short based off the games I predict that Sarah Palin will join the Obama's cabinet and Obama will defeat Mcain and his 8 maverick robot pals for each year of his presidency equaling the 8 megaman X games (not counting spin offs and disowning number 6 which was an abomination) hence Obama will get elected, based on the prophecy of these games, for a second term. Discuss contemplate and enjoy. I'm gonna go hunt for Mavericks in Alaska.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Purple Turkeys: My Anti-Drug

Hello everyone! I'm very happy to be here tonight at Grove Park High School. Go Timid Squids! And I have an important story to tell you about a dark time for my band: Shadow Puppet Disco. Back in the mid-80s, after SPD had achieved world-wide disinterest with the release of our first album, Sewerside Suicide, we were on top of the world and partying every night with groupies and accountants. But slowly my rockstar lifestyle spiraled out of Bolivia and made me unable to play my instruments or sing or get it up. You see, I was sniffing upwards of 20 Bounty Dryer sheets covered in Elmer's glue everyday during that time. I nearly lost my band, my cat, my moped, my lawnmower, my tapeworm farm, my chain of NASCAR-themed seafood restaurants and my dignity, until one faithful day I made a discovery that would save my life.

Well, just when things seemed like they couldn't get any worse, this commercial single-footedly helped me overcome my Elmer's glue and Bounce dryer sheet addiction:

After watching this commercial with my cat, Mister Fluffy McFluffyson, I realized I never needed to use drugs again, because this commercial gave me the same high, the same creativity spark and the same anal leakage of glue and dryer sheets, but without the undesirable side effects. Soon enough, I was bringing groupies and their pets over to watch this commercial on repeat and we had a great time, without drugs. After years of unsuccessful substance abuse treatment and in-patient hospital stays and polar bear wrestling matches, we had discovered that getting high was dumb and this cat food commercial was way more fun.

And our band got back on track too. We released a new album to fantastic critical disregard. Once again we were on top of the world and this time without drugs. So, boys and girls, remember drugs will get you nowhere, but purple turkeys will save your soul. Also, if you encounter the Yeti in a dark Winnipeg alley, ask your grandmother to give it a cracker out of her purse and then it will follow you.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Modern Deconstructionalist Murder Mystery

Here's a story I "wrote" for my German class. By "wrote" I mean I took a text in German and put it into a terrible German-to-English translation site and then posted the results. I cracked up when I read it, but that may just be due to lack of sleep. Here you go:

The motorcycle route

Hello, colleague, how was in holidays? upper inspector Eichhorn welcomes Julia Falk with a friendly handshake. hopefully it is you not exactly the same been issued like the family Andres at the flower way. as of their journey returned, found it a thoroughly robbed house. upper inspector Eichhorn reaches for a bundle documents. well, if you could further pursue equal case…? We already heard most adjacents resident at the flower way. To ask there still another pair of pensioners, family guard in the house number 7, would be and their young subtenant Heinz Hurtig. Julia Falk presses for the first time the button over the plaque Heinz Hurtig. Strangely that it does not open. It saw nevertheless straight evenly still another young man at the window above standing. Julia vibrated surprises the head. It turns and lets its view over the abandoned yard and the sparkle-brand-new motorcycle under the garage cantilever roof slab curve.

To a few minutes later Julia still another mark rings. A noise is to be heard from inside to. Well finally, that lasted however for a long time! Heinz Hurtig looks by the door gap. good day, Mr. Hurtig. Julia Falk zückt their document of identification. I may clean-come one moment? I determine Andres because of the break-down at family. Only in the corridor Julia notices that Hurtigs arm lies thickly merge-acted in an arm loop. you had an accident? Heinz Hurtig nods. I took last week with my motorcycle a curve too fast. But I had still luck, I only the arm broke. Hurtigs kitchen Heinz Hurtig leads the Inspektorin into the kitchen. On the Küchentisch a plate with bacon and scrambled egg stands, beside it a cup with steaming hot coffee. I may offer also a cup coffee to you? no? No coffee? Now, which concerns the break-down, I came only the day before yesterday from my motorcycle route home, nothing saw and heard. And, sorry, if I need an alibi with my injured arm I no house to really rob had been able, not? life it alone here?, the Inspektorin asks. no, with Schnurrli, my tomcat. Heinz Hurtig grinst and points with the chin to the window windshield frame section, where a magnificent red cat stretches wohlig in the sun. I'm sorry, Mr. Hurtig, my Julia Falk essentially. you accompany me now on the presidency. With its alibi is not correct somewhat at all.

The end. I win.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Tape 12

1 Saints - Army Navy
2 Inní Mér Syngur Vitleysingur - Sigur Rós
3 No Lucifer - British Sea Power
4 Well Water Black - Alias Featuring WHY?
5 It's Too Late - Evermore
6 Stay Positive - The Hold Steady
7 Taking the Farm - The War On Drugs
8 Coles to Newcastles - Beachfield
9 Idyllwild - Trembling Blue Stars
10 TV - The Headlights
11 Jesus Christ I Don't Know - Listening Party
12 About to Walk - Throw Me The Statue
13 Smokers Outside The Hospital Doors - Editors
14 Losing Faith - Patchwork
15 High Lonesom - The Gaslight Anthem
16 Letter From God To Man - Dan Le Sac VS Scroobius Pip
17 All Over This Town - Upper Room
18 Blood - The Middle East
19 Atomik Lust - Super Furry Animals

Side 1

Side 2

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Big Macs

I enjoy Big Macs. The world runs on the hard work of billions of Mcdonald's employees without whom NO BIG MACS would be possible!!! I am a big Big Mac FAN. I enjoy eating them and I like everything about them. They are tasty and delicious. The special sauce is indeed special. I once ate three Big Macs in one sitting. After I eat a Big Mac I always check to see if there's any left over sauce, lettuce or cheese in the little multiracial box. And for all the haters out there: I understand that you say Big Macs are unhealthy. To you I say I DONT GIVE A FUCK. Whenever a construction worker eats a Big Mac, he or she then spends about half an hour on the toilet. When I eat a Big Mac, I spend ZERO HOURS on the toilet. It all goes directly to my blood stream and energizes me with it's tasty goodness. When I think about Big Macs, I think HOLY SHIT THAT WAS GOOD, who's putting all the crack in the Big Macs? Where ever you go there you are and there's probably a Mcdonald's serving up some fresh baked Big Macs. I heard Miss Universe 2008 once ate a Big Mac and digested it in a series of moments. OH MAN!!! Big Macs are good for the soul!!! Where all the ladies at? At Mcy D's scarfin down some Big Macs, dumb ass. If it wasn't for Big Macs WWIII would have already happened. I don't know with what weapons WWIII will be fought but WWWIV will be fought with sticks and stones. This crisis can be averted if you give the soldiers BIG MACS. They will be happy and all will be quiet on the Western Front. Sadly, I haven't had a Big Mac since before Obama was elected. Hopefully, BO won't up the price by 50 cents. I understand that all of you haters think the president doesn't like Big Macs. Remember Bill Clinton? Hey yo. (I am from the future.)

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

This Commercial Sums Up My Religious Beliefs.

After the first few viewings of this commercial, I had so many questions. What are five questionable looking men doing in the back of a family's RV? Where is the RV going? Why does the man driving decide to strand four of the men in the middle of the desert? What kinda shit is Chad going to try now that he is in the back of the RV alone with that girl?

Then I realized some questions don't have answers; in fact some questions are simply not important. All along, I was asking myself the wrong questions about this Alltel commercial. A commercial does not have to make logical sense for you to believe that it is true; all it needs is one magic ingredient: faith.

Once I accepted into my heart that Chad was destined to be in the back of the RV with the family's pubescent daughter, that the other four men's purpose was to be stranded in the middle of the desert, it was like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Now I find comfort and safety in the fact that My Circle's unlimited plan is in control, that Chad, It's charismatic messiah and a hair-gel fanatic, will guide me through my struggles and triumphs, and that It's network, even though it is invisible to my eyes, will surround me at all times with the coverage I need.

Now, when I stumble, I have faith that the My Circle and Chad will offer me some kind words about Their unlimited plan, while pushing away the demons and their unsharable unlimited plans. Chad, I love you will all my heart because you died for my sins.

Monday, November 3, 2008


Here's a nice little poem I found of mine...

I tried my old habit again
I soared to high places again
the hum of the core,
the energy of the response,
the twinkle in the eye
the instant gratification-

-all awkwardly remind me
with a sudden break typical in rhetoric and rhythm
why I left in the first place...

Facebook Rant

I have a love hate relationship with facebook. At one point I can and keep in touch with tons of people I would not otherwise be able to. And on the other hand, Facebook and most of the people I know on Facebook in a very passive agressive way say "fuck you, I'm not wasting the energy to associate with you" or "I risk social bastardization talking to you etc" where at the same time they feel socially obligated to friend me so to be polite. Anything anyone says to you over facebook, generally may or may not have any meaning, but you can never tell for certain.

Por exemple, Someone you haven't seen in a long assed time messages you and wants to hang out.
Alright you were bored that weekend and had nothing going, but the thing is, do they really want to hang out, or do they just want to talk and have nothing to say? The lack of voice and the inflection makes it difficult to tell what the hell their true intent is. I mean even over I'm you kind of tell how someone's thinking by how quickily they respond and how long they spend typing vs. how long the message is, but on facebook you see nothing of the process it took the person to write their message. Some things, like hey how's it going or what's up, people say not out of politeness but out of habit. The irony is that when people say that in person and somewhat over the internet, they're saying hi and don't give actually give a shit about how your life is going at that point in time.

Another bit that drives me up a wall is how and when to respond to messages. Should you wait a bit and not look like a frikin low life stalker, should you respond immediately and catch while online, If you were offline and see it latter should you not respond or respond later. Okay here's an example of everything I'm talking about: Billy messages me and says "oh man it's been so long, we need to hang!" I've only talked to Billy twice before, he's an okay kid but we weren't really close. See if I respond immediately, I look like I was waiting for someone to message me since I have nothing going on, thus I'm a loser. I can wait a while to seem less desperate, then I'll look like I don't want to speak to him, thus looking like a dick. Or do I message back immediately thus looking like a stalker. In short, CALL ME or AIM ME instead of facebooking since then at the very least I can psyco analyse you more easily and I can judge the level of your sincerity. Here I'll post my cell number on here... (my aims already up)

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The First Time I Heard Explosions In The Sky

Laying on the floor, "What is this?" I said, with eyes closed.
"Explosions in The Sky."
I lit another cigarette.
The music was mildly nostalgic and eerie. Sounded like a marching band trying to break its way out of purgatory by playing with as much emotion as possible.
There were about a dozen people lying in that room, most of which I had never met. I personally had taken about 5 hits from the bowl and I had a high tolerance. The other people must have been flying.
The lights were off and the glow in the dark stars were out. Everyone was quietly in their own heads probably feeling the music more than me. It was because of my immunity, that I actually remember this experience enough to write it down.
I remember watching this kid, who I hear is now dead, try to hide his own little private bowl, alone, in the middle of the bed.
I probably would have done the same but I had recently quit smoking pot.
I lit another cigarette.
I got bored of the trance and went down stairs. The mood quickly went from very high to very drunk.
After a couple beers, I was standing in the kitchen trying to talk to Jon, I noticed Scotty on the patio sharing a private bowl with a friend.
I sat with Scotty and his friend trying to be amiable, making small talk for a little while. Scotty wasn't in a charitable mood.
I went back inside to the party. I lit up a cigarette and once again, everyone yelled at me for ashing into the carpet.
By now these 2 middle aged men that had been sitting next door in the drive way came in to hit on the younger women.
I left the kitchen and went outside to call Matt.
"When are you coming?"
"I'll be there, I'll be there."
I lit another cigarette and just sat there alone.

The night ends with Peter finding me and telling me to got to sleep on the couch in the study. I laid there a while unable to fall asleep even though now there was no more music.
Some one slid open the door.
The sliding door closed loudly and then opened again.
All I had to do was open my eyes.

Happy Halloween...Two days late!

I've been working on this Halloween mix for some time (time I probably should have been spending on my studies). Thankfully, I had a lot of help from friends who were kind enough to give me many suggestions. So here it is for your enjoyment:

Version 1.4
1. Ode to Isis by And you will know us by the Trail of Dead
2. You could easily have me by Metronomy
3. This is halloween by Marilyn Manson
4. (Ghost) Riders in the Sky by Jonny Cash
5. The Boogie Monster by Gnarls Barkley
6. Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon
7. Attack of the 60ft Lesbian Octopus by Does it offend you, yeah?
8. I Walk Alone Music Go Music
9. Creeper by Islands
10. Hunting for Witches by Bloc Party
11. Not as Goth as They Say We Are by Say Hi to Your Mom
12. Rebel With the Ghost by Sons & Daughters
13. Magick by Klaxons
14. No Lucifer by British Sea Power
15. R.I.P. by Zombie Ghost Train
16. I feel evil creeping in by Islands
17. The Mercy seat by Johnny Cash
18. Necoromancing by Gnarles Barkley
19. Black Cat by Ladytron
20. I'm a Vampire by the Future Bible Heroes
21. Wolf like Me by Tv on the Radio
22. Graveyard Girlfriend by The Groovie Ghoulies
23. Thriller by Michael Jackson

Honorable Mentions:
Nightmare on My Street by Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff
Graveyard Tree by Koffin Kats
I am a Ghost by Ted Leo
Death or Life We Want You by The Dears
Sex Dwarf by Soft Cell
Ghosts by Ladytron
Ghost Under Rocks by Ra Ra Riot
Graveyard Girl by M83

My plan for next year is a Technoween mix. I'm out!

Join the High Fructose Corn Syrup Revolution!

For most of my life, my friends have rolled their eyes at me, told me they were busy on the phone and left jars full of raccoon urine in my heating ducts. I thought I was destined to live a lonely life of stone soup making and stamp collecting, until I saw this ad for High Fructose Corn Syrup:

Now, I've realized if I make up my own scientific studies using your multi-million dollar funded research laboratory and then provide my findings in my usual aggressive, boastful manner, I can make friends like a factory! In fact, my new friend "Steve-mo-tron" and I are sitting her on our third Popsicle each and he now agrees with everything I say as long as I give him more sugar every 15 minutes. Thanks, High Fructose Corn Syrup!!!

Tommy And Friends

Episode 1

Episode 2

(I am from the future)

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Friendship: Fuck yeah!


I think as a first post, I should talk about friendship. Friendship is the most powerful force in the universe. See you could go on a seesaw and have a great great time, but with friendship helping to push that seesaw up and down, you will have a blast. Friendship is extremely fun since anyone can participate and it's free fun. Now who can argue with that? Also friends help you out of tight spots. For example, I was sad since Sally said Santa stank. Billy told me that Santa just rolled in some flowers, and smelled all better. Thanks Billy!

Now I leave you with a question: When was a time the power friendship made a normally fun activity even better? Also when is a time a friend helped you out? (bonus points for answering both questions!!!!)
Test Post this is for all the ladies.