Showing posts from 2008

God Responds to Aldo

Dear Aldo,

For the longest time, I have been ignoring you and your civilization since you were one of my more unpolished earlier works. Yet something about your letter, Aldo, as compared to the thousands of letters and prayer requests I receive everyday, stood out to me. Usually I disregard most these requests for more important matters like listening to the new Stufjan Stevens record or creating new kinds of vegetables or helping my other creations celebrate their eternal peace and happiness, but your letter took me back to a simpler time in my life.

If you want to know the truth, I turned in your civilization as a last minute project for my world creation class in high school. I didn't even start creating you until the week before the assignment was due and didn't put forth my best effort as I'm sure you can tell based on your history of wars, poverty, pain and pop stars. Since then I have earned a degree in world creation and my work has moved passed you. At this point i…

Tommy Timeline Pt 1

1991: Tommy is the spawn of immortal progency
1991 part 2: The God Balnu rests after the long labourous job of creation
1992: Tommy's wings and fangs finally sprout as do his pubes
1993: Tommy's wings are chopped off and his fangs filed down after local livestock go missing
1994: Tommy, under the moniker "Fred Donkeybark" founds the legendary Camel Crew
1994 part 2: Tommy leaves the Camel Crew citing creative differences with Joe Camel and Paul Mcartney
1994 part 3: Paul forms the legendary comedy troup The Beetles leaving Tommy as the 6th Beetle that nobody but me knows about
1996: Tommy commands his parents and family to move to NC, Tommy is growing in power
1997: Tommy's mind has to be erased so the NASA secrets will never be shared with the pubic
1998: Tommy goes on hiatus and demands that everyone call him the letter "W"
1999: Tommy is the first male ever to lactate. This is the origin of parmesan cheese
2000: Tommy marks the millenium by dropping a duece in …

Free Write

Alright I need to do a free write.
If I babble long enough I will come up with something prolific.
Maybe I shall about a topic in specific.
Greed, Pride, and Sloth plague us:
When in doubt get some more.
I'm never wrong.
I'll never ask what for?
Drain their blood till it's all gone.
They're all ants to me.
I'd rather die burning, than live running.
I'll skim from them
Oh naturally, it's all without sin
If they keep sitting, and not seeing

Dip into your wallet,
I need some more polish
to dazzle more magpies
for my gullet.
I'll giggle and smile all the while,
Funding my debonair style.


Fuck homework he's some poetry:

Tommy Waalkes

I guess I’m supposed to be a worker bee
and work only for the colony.
Looks like I have to put a pen and let words flow freely.
I’m supposed to be a cog in the machine
and turn in the same place daily.
Forcing out creativity and saying this is me!
I guess im suppose to be happy
and manufacture my own faith, love, and loyalty.
Create my image, paint myself as divinity.
Is that the only way I will go down in history?
I’m supposed to lie about my identity,
have it change endlessly to please anybody.
Living and thinking outside the stream of notoriety,
to be remembered I must please the historians, Society.

On the sweatshop’s floor,
in the barroom’s roar,
behind the bedroom’s door,
I am supposed to prove I am a man
to some whore.
Be a manly or be a faggot.
This life
the dreamer’s nightmare.
No heaven nor hell
just mediocrity.
Just bland society.
Just generic gender monogamy.
Just shallow substitutions for reality.
Just a band-aid for malady.

Practice glut…

If God Loves Me, Why Can't I Get My Locker Open?

Dear God,
How many dirty swirlies is a reasonable amount to receive in one day? The kids in my gym class have told me that I deserve 2 dirty swirilies everyday while everyone watches. These events are quite unpleasant and hard to explain to my math teacher 4th period, but I do not want to break the social customs of American school systems. There are no such events as dirty swirilies in Poland and I would prefer not to offend my new American school comrades by refusing to participate in their important daily customs.

I have tried writing to various pop stars, including the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus, for guidance, but all I received were autographed photos, lists of tour dates, and, in the case of Michael Jackson, directions to his wonderland ranch with a note attached saying I should give it to someone at an airport or a bus station. Although it seems that most American young people treat these pop stars as the ultimate authority, I have found their advice thus far a bit lacking. S…

Education School Class

1. When you fry balogna it tastes like a hot dog.
2. Eat Yogurt with a spoon only, Jerk.
3. Just because your conditioner smells like fruit doesn't mean it tastes that way.
4. No ice cubes in beer or milk. You should know this.
7. No high fructose corn syrup.
9. Loch Ness, Orang Pendak, Big Foot, and The Mongolian Sand Worm are all real. They laughed at Jules Verne.
10. Caffiene is a drug.
16. Open bar is pretty much the best thing.
17. Listening to 3 different songs at the same time while high with make your head explode.
18. Don't laugh. Head explosions aren't funny.
19. Once I tried astral projection. I woke up exactly an hour later with a splitting headache. Horsehit.
21. The only survivng member of the Frankenstien family at the end of the eponymous novel is Ernest Frankenstien.
22. Depending on the strength of your stove top, it takes about 8 minutes to hard boil an egg.
23. The f word appears 182 times in the movie Scarface. This is where Blink 182 got their name.

Interview of Brewster Butler

In his first interview after coming out of the closet, Brewster Butler who despite his sexuality is still an the same errotic adventurer sits down with me for an exclusive heart to heart in his lavish leather manshion.
Tommy: Hey brew brew why don't you have a seat?
Brewster: Okay
T: So what's this new album about?
B: it's entitled hitting people with pillows, the single is I wanna have a snowball fight
T: What's your favorite emotion?
B: I love being in love lawl!
T: Why is it your favorite?
B: because it brings me closer to Jesus.
T: What's your guilty pleasure?
B: I like reading twilight novels and then renacting them with land before time puppets and myself I'm ALWAYS Bella. He cant help but sympathize with her. I mean shit he's ridiculously clumsy and has brown hair as well. yours?
T:rubbing ma nipples. Tell me about a time you were happy.
B: that's all the time. but seriously Tom Tom, back in November 1993 I was at this dance party one night with a bunch of …
This post was left intentionally blank.

New Post? Great Job!

As I sit here luking @ my Microsoft, I harcken bak 2 my days as a future ROAD WARRIOR/JANITOR. Custodian, Dik! Sory. NEway, my robodog is telling me its time 2 move on. Wen me Robodog tels me its time 2 muve on its time 2 move on. Hoo am I to Rgu with a talking Dog/Shark/Angry Cowboy. Where wuz I?
I wuz N the bak of my beet up Winna bago dryveeng the doons in search of much Preciouze Huile. This wuz B4 I ditched the Winna bago for a Elektrik Hibrid Shooter Scooter. Don't LAUGH. I get 60 miles 2 tha gallon on that hog! If I had 2 sum up wut it's like in the future, Id have to tell U bout the blud hungry sentinal loan sharks after my starbucks. Well... Lung story shirt, I owe muney all around town includes 2 nown pornographers.
NE way, where wuz I?
Yes, my bycycle. I wuz way faster then my rollarblades EVAN THO it didnot have tha bottle rokits. (sid nowt: bottle rockets R not really maid from bottles, Dick.)
NE way, my robot dog is giting angray at …

SPD Review

After showing a coworker the SPD sites (mainpage, myspace, etc) this was the review he gave:

"Fun stuff - It's like a home brew combination of King Missle, Joe Christmas, Dalek, I Love You, and Crispy Ambulance with Mad Magazine, or a writer for Adult Swim (Cartoon Network) supplying the lyrics. Thanks for passing it on!"

This seems to be the most positive and well informed SPD review ever, at least that wasn't churned out by our propaganda machine.

Megaman X is a Metaphor

I'm sure you are all aware Barrack Obama is the new united States President. I think that Capcom predicted Obama's victory and put it into game form.

Okay, for example, Megaman X is a Maverick hunter. His main color is blue(democrat), however, like any good modern politician he can change his color to green, black, pink, red (ironically), black, and white. Basically Megaman X and Barrack Obama have the ability to "change" their colors to fit the situation.

The more interesting example is Sigma (Aka John Mcain). Sigma is an ancient robot who is balding and calls himself a Maverick. He lacks the ability to shift his colors and sticks pretty much to the same habits every game (also he wears a red cape). He always has 8 Mavericks to back him up, he always fights with a melee weapon stubbornly adhering to tradition completely ignoring the available super-futuristic firearms, and he always has a hidden fortress in some barren locale. John Mcain picked a running mate …

Purple Turkeys: My Anti-Drug

Hello everyone! I'm very happy to be here tonight at Grove Park High School. Go Timid Squids! And I have an important story to tell you about a dark time for my band: Shadow Puppet Disco. Back in the mid-80s, after SPD had achieved world-wide disinterest with the release of our first album, Sewerside Suicide, we were on top of the world and partying every night with groupies and accountants. But slowly my rockstar lifestyle spiraled out of Bolivia and made me unable to play my instruments or sing or get it up. You see, I was sniffing upwards of 20 Bounty Dryer sheets covered in Elmer's glue everyday during that time. I nearly lost my band, my cat, my moped, my lawnmower, my tapeworm farm, my chain of NASCAR-themed seafood restaurants and my dignity, until one faithful day I made a discovery that would save my life.

Well, just when things seemed like they couldn't get any worse, this commercial single-footedly helped me overcome my Elmer's glue and Bounce dryer sheet add…

Modern Deconstructionalist Murder Mystery

Here's a story I "wrote" for my German class. By "wrote" I mean I took a text in German and put it into a terrible German-to-English translation site and then posted the results. I cracked up when I read it, but that may just be due to lack of sleep. Here you go:

The motorcycle route

Hello, colleague, how was in holidays? upper inspector Eichhorn welcomes Julia Falk with a friendly handshake. hopefully it is you not exactly the same been issued like the family Andres at the flower way. as of their journey returned, found it a thoroughly robbed house. upper inspector Eichhorn reaches for a bundle documents. well, if you could further pursue equal case…? We already heard most adjacents resident at the flower way. To ask there still another pair of pensioners, family guard in the house number 7, would be and their young subtenant Heinz Hurtig. Julia Falk presses for the first time the button over the plaque Heinz Hurtig. Strangely that it does not open. It sa…

Tape 12

1 Saints - Army Navy
2 Inní Mér Syngur Vitleysingur - Sigur Rós
3 No Lucifer - British Sea Power
4 Well Water Black - Alias Featuring WHY?
5 It's Too Late - Evermore
6 Stay Positive - The Hold Steady
7 Taking the Farm - The War On Drugs
8 Coles to Newcastles - Beachfield
9 Idyllwild - Trembling Blue Stars
10 TV - The Headlights
11 Jesus Christ I Don't Know - Listening Party
12 About to Walk - Throw Me The Statue
13 Smokers Outside The Hospital Doors - Editors
14 Losing Faith - Patchwork
15 High Lonesom - The Gaslight Anthem
16 Letter From God To Man - Dan Le Sac VS Scroobius Pip
17 All Over This Town - Upper Room
18 Blood - The Middle East
19 Atomik Lust - Super Furry Animals

Side 1

Side 2

Big Macs

I enjoy Big Macs. The world runs on the hard work of billions of Mcdonald's employees without whom NO BIG MACS would be possible!!! I am a big Big Mac FAN. I enjoy eating them and I like everything about them. They are tasty and delicious. The special sauce is indeed special. I once ate three Big Macs in one sitting. After I eat a Big Mac I always check to see if there's any left over sauce, lettuce or cheese in the little multiracial box. And for all the haters out there: I understand that you say Big Macs are unhealthy. To you I say I DONT GIVE A FUCK. Whenever a construction worker eats a Big Mac, he or she then spends about half an hour on the toilet. When I eat a Big Mac, I spend ZERO HOURS on the toilet. It all goes directly to my blood stream and energizes me with it's tasty goodness. When I think about Big Macs, I think HOLY SHIT THAT WAS GOOD, who's putting all the crack in the Big Macs? Where ever you go there you are and there's probably a…

This Commercial Sums Up My Religious Beliefs.

After the first few viewings of this commercial, I had so many questions. What are five questionable looking men doing in the back of a family's RV? Where is the RV going? Why does the man driving decide to strand four of the men in the middle of the desert? What kinda shit is Chad going to try now that he is in the back of the RV alone with that girl?

Then I realized some questions don't have answers; in fact some questions are simply not important. All along, I was asking myself the wrong questions about this Alltel commercial. A commercial does not have to make logical sense for you to believe that it is true; all it needs is one magic ingredient: faith.

Once I accepted into my heart that Chad was destined to be in the back of the RV with the family's pubescent daughter, that the other four men's purpose was to be stranded in the middle of the desert, it was like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Now I find comfort and safety in the fact that My Circle&#…


Here's a nice little poem I found of mine...

I tried my old habit again
I soared to high places again
the hum of the core,
the energy of the response,
the twinkle in the eye
the instant gratification-

-all awkwardly remind me
with a sudden break typical in rhetoric and rhythm
why I left in the first place...

Facebook Rant

I have a love hate relationship with facebook. At one point I can and keep in touch with tons of people I would not otherwise be able to. And on the other hand, Facebook and most of the people I know on Facebook in a very passive agressive way say "fuck you, I'm not wasting the energy to associate with you" or "I risk social bastardization talking to you etc" where at the same time they feel socially obligated to friend me so to be polite. Anything anyone says to you over facebook, generally may or may not have any meaning, but you can never tell for certain.

Por exemple, Someone you haven't seen in a long assed time messages you and wants to hang out.
Alright you were bored that weekend and had nothing going, but the thing is, do they really want to hang out, or do they just want to talk and have nothing to say? The lack of voice and the inflection makes it difficult to tell what the hell their true intent is. I mean even over I'm you kind of tell how…

The First Time I Heard Explosions In The Sky

Laying on the floor, "What is this?" I said, with eyes closed.
"Explosions in The Sky."
I lit another cigarette.
The music was mildly nostalgic and eerie. Sounded like a marching band trying to break its way out of purgatory by playing with as much emotion as possible.
There were about a dozen people lying in that room, most of which I had never met. I personally had taken about 5 hits from the bowl and I had a high tolerance. The other people must have been flying.
The lights were off and the glow in the dark stars were out. Everyone was quietly in their own heads probably feeling the music more than me. It was because of my immunity, that I actually remember this experience enough to write it down.
I remember watching this kid, who I hear is now dead, try to hide his own little private bowl, alone, in the middle of the bed.
I probably would have done the same but I had recently quit smoking pot.
I lit another cigarette.
I got bored of the trance and went down stairs.…

Happy Halloween...Two days late!

I've been working on this Halloween mix for some time (time I probably should have been spending on my studies). Thankfully, I had a lot of help from friends who were kind enough to give me many suggestions. So here it is for your enjoyment:

Version 1.4
1. Ode to Isis by And you will know us by the Trail of Dead
2. You could easily have me by Metronomy
3. This is halloween by Marilyn Manson
4. (Ghost) Riders in the Sky by Jonny Cash
5. The Boogie Monster by Gnarls Barkley
6. Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon
7. Attack of the 60ft Lesbian Octopus by Does it offend you, yeah?
8. I Walk Alone Music Go Music
9. Creeper by Islands
10. Hunting for Witches by Bloc Party
11. Not as Goth as They Say We Are by Say Hi to Your Mom
12. Rebel With the Ghost by Sons & Daughters
13. Magick by Klaxons
14. No Lucifer by British Sea Power
15. R.I.P. by Zombie Ghost Train
16. I feel evil creeping in by Islands
17. The Mercy seat by Johnny Cash
18. Necoromancing by Gnarles Barkley
19. B…

Join the High Fructose Corn Syrup Revolution!

For most of my life, my friends have rolled their eyes at me, told me they were busy on the phone and left jars full of raccoon urine in my heating ducts. I thought I was destined to live a lonely life of stone soup making and stamp collecting, until I saw this ad for High Fructose Corn Syrup:

Now, I've realized if I make up my own scientific studies using your multi-million dollar funded research laboratory and then provide my findings in my usual aggressive, boastful manner, I can make friends like a factory! In fact, my new friend "Steve-mo-tron" and I are sitting her on our third Popsicle each and he now agrees with everything I say as long as I give him more sugar every 15 minutes. Thanks, High Fructose Corn Syrup!!!

Tommy And Friends

Episode 1

Episode 2

(I am from the future)

Friendship: Fuck yeah!


I think as a first post, I should talk about friendship. Friendship is the most powerful force in the universe. See you could go on a seesaw and have a great great time, but with friendship helping to push that seesaw up and down, you will have a blast. Friendship is extremely fun since anyone can participate and it's free fun. Now who can argue with that? Also friends help you out of tight spots. For example, I was sad since Sally said Santa stank. Billy told me that Santa just rolled in some flowers, and smelled all better. Thanks Billy!

Now I leave you with a question: When was a time the power friendship made a normally fun activity even better? Also when is a time a friend helped you out? (bonus points for answering both questions!!!!)
Test Post this is for all the ladies.