Monday, August 31, 2009

Away Messages Pt 1

On this, the last day of August, I give to you some away messages I have compiled from my esteemed colleague who will remain nameless in the off chance that he may read this. The punctuation has remained the same as it was when I first recorded these wisdom nuggets. If you don't know who these nuggets (turds) belong to, then I will give you a clue: At parties, he likes to eat mashed potatoes. Alone. In a darkened room.

I was squeezed my anus gland!

Mmm, but it seems to be hard. And, your big head protrudes.

Your buttocks are denfenseless.

I bet you didn't know potatoes were so juicy"

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Ghost Story from Afghanistan: The Phantom Flush

After we arrived in Egypt, we were driven to our Hotel in Giza, the Mena House Oberoi Hotel. The history of the hotel dates back to the 1800's when it was built as a hunting lodge for the ruler of Egypt, Khedive Ismail. In 1869 Princess Eugenie of France stayed there for the opening of the Suez Canal. In the 1880's it was bought by two Englishmen and then turned into a hotel in the 1890's. During WWI the hotel was used as a military hospital. The hotel is located at the foot of the Great Pyramid of Cheops and to say that the view was astounding, would not do it justice.

The hotel is rich with history and places with this much history are known to pick up a quirk or two. After getting settled in, we heard a flush come from our bathroom. We went in to check and saw a little water swirling at the bottom of the toilet. We thought this was odd, but did not think much on it. A little later, the same thing happened again only this time the shower was dribbling water as well. I tried to turn the knob to shut the water off, but it was already in the off position, and turned as tightly as it would go. However, once I touched the handle the water stopped dripping.

This happened on at least half a dozen occasions during our two days at the hotel. It is entirely possible that this was merely a plumbing problem, i.e. when someone else flushed or showered, our pipes might also begin running water. However, the hotel has been renovated on several occasions and this seems like the kind of thing one might want to correct.

Rational explanations aside, I am not one to let an opportunity pass him by. So on our last night at the hotel, I marched into the bathroom with the intent of confronting the phantom flusher. I thought the most sensible course of action would be to call the ghost names and antagonize him. (I mean, if I was a ghost this is how I would like other people to interact with me). I called the ghost a "limp-dick camel flushing son of a bitch" and then dared him to do something about it. Nothing. Then I tried peeing around the toilet, but not in it, boldly declaring "Oooooo, look at me, I can't pee in the toilet correctly, I bet that really bothers you. Come on! Man up, do something about it." No reaction. I was not going to let him get off so easily. Then I took a shit in toilet and refused to flush. I told him that shit was his mother. Then I was pretty sure I saw a little water swirl and whisper "shut the fuck up, dickhead." Although in retrospect, that could have been the people in the room adjacent to ours.

I leave it you, dear readers, to decide for yourself. But all I know is that I sure as shit showed that ghost whose boss and no one will ever accuse me of having a tiny penis again.