Sunday, November 2, 2008

Join the High Fructose Corn Syrup Revolution!

For most of my life, my friends have rolled their eyes at me, told me they were busy on the phone and left jars full of raccoon urine in my heating ducts. I thought I was destined to live a lonely life of stone soup making and stamp collecting, until I saw this ad for High Fructose Corn Syrup:

Now, I've realized if I make up my own scientific studies using your multi-million dollar funded research laboratory and then provide my findings in my usual aggressive, boastful manner, I can make friends like a factory! In fact, my new friend "Steve-mo-tron" and I are sitting her on our third Popsicle each and he now agrees with everything I say as long as I give him more sugar every 15 minutes. Thanks, High Fructose Corn Syrup!!!


  1. Everybody knows that nothing bad comes from corn. I just finished eating 47 popsicles with High Fructose Corn Syrup and after throwing up a couple of times, I feel GREAT! I did get diabetes though, but now it's like all those Wilford Brimley commercials are talking directly to me. Plus, it makes for a great icebreaker at parties. I'm so popular now.

  2. Back in Nam we got ambushed by some yellow corn. You try telling the guys at the Veterans' Home that high fructose corn syrup never hurt anyone.

  3. dude everyone knows the band korn sucks, so like is any side project they produce going to be any better even if its like popsciles? fing seriously man, they've become sellout slapping their names on bottles of syrup like that