This is a file I found on an old floppy disk that is a story Joey wrote back in 2005. Enjoy!
Dear
Mom and Dad,
How
are things? Been suffering much from the empty nest syndrome since I
left? I know it’s been a while since we last communicated but I
have been busy thinking about my upcoming adventure. Anyways, things
are going pretty well here at High Point U., although my ever-drunken
suite mates have proven to be somewhat of an annoyance. You’d
think that the thrill of higher learning would be enough to get their
heads pounding. I’m finding High Point to be a great place to
pick up chicks. Just the other day, for instance, I was totally
about to step up to the plate, if you know what I mean. Of course my
grades are killer as usual: B in Arthurian Lit., C+ in Poly Sci., A
in bowling just to name a few. On the whole, High Point is a pretty
swell place to learn to raise a family, but there’s something
missing. Do you guys remember those summers at the lake; how we’d
always walk through the woods in search of wild tobacco for Grandpa
to chew on? Remember my Yeti traps; our last visit with the crazy
granny that lived in the ice cream shaped house? Such a pretty
afternoon... What about the catfish? Do you remember the catfish?
This is what I miss most, the obscure and difficult trail, leading
into the nature, unknown. Even now, I can feel the nearby flora
telling me to run. Run into the wood. Get naked. Run. The point
is, no civilized place can quench my thirst to squat in the woods.
Not High Point University, not the Kroger photo lab, not even the
planet Earth will suffice.
Mom,
Dad, I have decided to move the Forest moon of Endor and live amongst
the Ewoks. Why go Ewok? It’s simple really. The Ewoks’ culture
is in every way superior, not to mention, cooler than so called
modern society. First off, Ewoks have uncanny abilities. They are
master craftsmen capable of creating melee weapons, play a mean skull
xylophone, and are cute. The Ewoks understand international
diplomacy. You may remember that rather than launching an immediate
invasion of neighboring woodlands the moment the Empire appeared on
the scene, the wise chief Chirpa thought long and hard. One Ewok
lost is one more spirit tree that shrivels up and dies. Now, I know
what you’re going to say. Ewoks are notorious for being wary of
strangers, especially ones over a meter tall. If a space pirate and
a Jedi warrior couldn’t get friendly with the fuzzy folk how will I
ever get them to warm up to me? One word: shortbread. It’s like
they say: the best way to an Ewok’s heart is through his fluffly
tummy. As you may remember Princess Leia was able to woo the fierce
Wicket with little toil just by feeding him some tasty crackers. My
plan is to feed them some of those chess piece shortbread cookies as
they are similar to crackers except even tastier and more fun to eat.
Once this is accomplished and their poofy bulbous bellies are
loaded, they’ll gladly accept me into their fold. I may even
impress them enough to get promoted to the rank of scout or if I’m
lucky, medicine man. Living among the Ewoks’ tree city will be
heavenly. The only things I’ll ever have to worry about is getting
my fair share of Yuzzum meat during the nightly feast and finding a
wife. Though I am unfamiliar with Ewok Courtship customs, I suspect
that Ewok women prefer taller men, so I will have little trouble
finding a cinnamon-coated beauty with which I can move into a nice
village tree and raise a brood of Woklings.
Mom
and Dad, I feel that this is a really good decision. I understand if
you’re upset because your favorite son must leave, but don’t be.
Dad, you still have your job pushing pennies at the office; and Mom
what about your Thursday night Drunko Bunko? This your world.
Endor is mine. Earth has television, Piranhas, and designer sweaters
for pet poodles. The forest moon of Endor has Sunberry Trees, The
Happy Grove, and best of all, no evil empire. Please return all mail
to the sender. This is the last you shall here from me.
Joseph
W.
