Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Self Cleaning House

I think this woman could have easily fit in recording with SPD. Whereas SPD asked the question: "Who cares if you don't know how to play instruments if you can just write songs and have fun anyway?" she asks the question: "Who cares if you get your entire house wet, as long as it is clean without you having to do it?"

There is something that fascinates me about someone who is a big outsider who might not be an expert in any area and comes up with a crazy idea from nowhere (Daniel Johnston, Wesley Willis, Mark Borchardt, Tommy Wiseau) and despite all the evidence against them, they continue to create or carry out their idea regardless. We are too often focused on training young people to be a knowledgeable expert who knows instead of creates.

Also, what do you guy think of the new jelly bean theme? I couldn't figure out how to center the header image though.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Baby Spoils

Veronica just got back from visiting her family in Brazil. While she was there, she had a baby shower with friends and family. One of her sisters got the baby these outfits and we thought you would appreciate them. We just hope the baby will live up to these clothes. My goals are for someone to see that baby randomly and reply, "That's one chill baby;" and for the baby/child to pass out right after saying "Turn up the Zeplin."

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Jello Bulletin

Thanks to the contributions of Team Waalkes, my Jello collection (including one expired box) has doubled in size.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

How To Live With A Man Baby: WTF is Going on With My Roommate?

As you know, I've lived with an immature space alien for a year and a half now. This is a character study of a Waalkes gone awry.

1. Lets begin with the digital clocks and silverware in the apartment. We have 3 clocks on kitchen appliances. They are always set to the correct time. If they power goes out, if one gets unplugged, or if Daylight Savings time happens. They are corrected to the right time. The same goes for our silverware. When I unload the dish washer, I don't bother organizing them. Whenever he sees them in this state he immediately corrects them. And yet we always have grease and goo covering all the important surfaces, dishes constantly piled in the sink, and a nausea inducing aroma that scares people. Cleanliness is not a priority but obsessing over minutia is.

2. We have peeping Toms and robbers in the neighborhood. Hey! Maybe lets leave all the blinds open at all times and the door unlocked at night. We've got thousands of dollars in electronics there. Oh hey, your roommate, who owns more than half of the aforementioned electronics, tells you this all the time. Its not that hard. Its free security. Oh ok lets not do that anyway. Hmmm. Why?!

Most of my other gripes are about him being an unaware, inconsiderate, childlike hypochondriac who's in denial about being mentally ill. Examples: Never leaving. Watching Frasier at high volume. Wiping his greasy hands on my couch. (Crossing a line!) Also the unsettling, creepiness factor.

What I'm asking y'all now is what the Hell is going on with this dude? He was valedictorian at VMI but apparently that don't mean shit. He's got an extremely skewed world view. He can hardly function like a normal human being. My guess is he's used to being spoon fed everything in his life. Whether by his mom or the military college. Now he's 26 and living on his own and still is expecting it all to magically be done. Um, dude this is Joey Waalkes here. I'm only in it for Skeezy and Big Macs.

My assessment: Your family's neglect and bullying fucked you up in the head. Get therapy. Acting like a crazy person will get you labelled as a crazy person. Getting treatment helps you from thinking/acting so crazy. People aren't fucking telepathic. They won't know you're getting help. (Even if they did, this is not middle school any more.) They will however know you are crazy if you are outwardly acting as such. Maybe he wouldn't be so frustrating if what he was doing at least made some sense.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Monday, June 26, 2017

The Weiner That Started It All

This is the name of my new erotic fan fiction book about Adam. Also, the hot dog car is back, bitches!!!!!!#~!

Saturday, June 24, 2017

No Rubbing, No Bumping


Also, this is the title of my new Christian abstinence-promoting rock album. The first single will be "Jesus is Watching You Dry Hump."

Friday, June 23, 2017


Mayank Never Gave a Speech Like This Because He got one A-.


This might be the most epic class president speech since Tommy's famous vending machine speech of '98. It also makes me think something like this could be a really funny Tommy and friends episode where Tommy wins his class election by giving everyone scratch and sniff stickers. Then the principal cuts his mic when he gives a speech promising vending machines. Then Tommy sneaks into the principal's office with hippo to leave a little surprise.