Monday, December 1, 2008

If God Loves Me, Why Can't I Get My Locker Open?

Dear God,
How many dirty swirlies is a reasonable amount to receive in one day? The kids in my gym class have told me that I deserve 2 dirty swirilies everyday while everyone watches. These events are quite unpleasant and hard to explain to my math teacher 4th period, but I do not want to break the social customs of American school systems. There are no such events as dirty swirilies in Poland and I would prefer not to offend my new American school comrades by refusing to participate in their important daily customs.

I have tried writing to various pop stars, including the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus, for guidance, but all I received were autographed photos, lists of tour dates, and, in the case of Michael Jackson, directions to his wonderland ranch with a note attached saying I should give it to someone at an airport or a bus station. Although it seems that most American young people treat these pop stars as the ultimate authority, I have found their advice thus far a bit lacking. So, I am writing to You, Almighty God, as suggested in this informative brochure, based on the recommendation of my host parents who told me that you have all of life's answers. I hope they are right because I would very much like to know the answer to this difficult dilemma of the dirty swirilies.

In my searches of Wikipedia, Encyclopedia Britannica, and the Webster's dictionary, they have provided me with little advice on this custom of America's young people. You, God, are really my last chance. After You, I'm out of ideas or up the creek of poop as the young people here call it. I have even spoken some prayer and accepted Your eternal salvation based on the advice of my host parents. They even said that with your grace, I can find inner piece by turning my cheeks as I watch the feces whipping around my head while the toilet flushes. God, any information or extra cheeks that you can send my way would be accepted with open palms, but I'm beginning to worry about brain damage caused or infection that might be caused by these seemingly innocent customs.

Your friend from Poland,


  1. I hate to break it to you little Timmy, but I don't think God loves you. Nothing personal, he doesn't love anyone...except maybe himself. Welcome to America! Don't take it too hard though. Just remember life's a hockey game, so quack it up!

  2. Dear Dr. God,

    Why don't you ask your slut girlfriend to help you with this loser. I saw you slobbering all over my now X slut girlfriend at Billy's party. I bet you can't even get past 4th base with her like I have. 3 times! Excuse me while I take a shit on you head while you sleep. Ninja Style!

    Post Script:
    You know, she has ants in the pants don't you

  3. Listen Billy, I'm gonna keep flushing your head in the toilet. God tells me to every single day and who am I to argue with the divinity? He tells me I must show certain people where they belong, down the sewer. I'm sorry Billy but Jesus wants you to live the ninja turtles.

  4. also I made that pic my wallpaper so fast