Saturday, February 14, 2009

Kitty Call for Wojohoski

Dear Alexander Wojohoski,
I fear that you have once again been trapped under the Jewish Community Center Pool by Manveer after losing to him in a calculator tetris match. If you are out there, please answer this kitty call. Otherwise, we will send out the search and rescue and the representatives from Elmer's Glue.
Mister T
P.S. We have taken a step forward in our quest to name a cat after you. Oink.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Dear Billy,

I'm soooooo over you. You dumped me, thinking I would come crawling right back to you, but you have another thing coming since you don't play me like that. Billy I've listened to shitloads of angry girl music and have come to this conclusion: YOU'RE SUCH A DICK.

You're most likely already aware of this issue, but let me extrapolate. First, you played me like a violin, then got pissed since I wouldn't give you a kidney. Second, I hate you. Third, no amount of heroine can wash away the jizz stains left on my couch and for the sake of metaphor, my heart. Fourth, you were such a cheap ass munch it was not even funny, you peed yourself every time there was a sale at J.C. Penny, sooo unmanly. Fifth, axe, bad choice man, girls don't like axe.

So in closing, though the sex was amazing exploratory and likely illegal in some way, we are totally and utterly DONE. No booty calls, and I'm taking Poodle's world mags you left here as asshole tax. Please don't talk to me again, and just come out of the closet already, you rather unsightly male.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

The Number One Issue Facing Americans Today

The above picture may appear to be an innocent looking tool for placing a weary buttocks, but it is also a symbol for the evils and sins of the modern American lifestyle.

Let's consider for a moment: how many times have you ever been to a conference or a presentation or a school dance or a talent show or a rock concert where there were not enough place for all in attendance to sit down? Maybe you were lucky enough to arrive early and procure a seat, but what about the countless other people who were forced to be uncomfortable while they stood making their magic show or dance recital that much more uncomfortable.

Considering our massive industrial capabilities, as a country America must surely have more chairs than people. If you consider all chairs in all the stores, storage rooms, attics, auditoriums, and movie theaters in America, I would imagine if every individual in America wanted to sit down at the same time, there would be space. Yet, why then at countless events is there a shortage of seating?

Americans are more interested in showing off their own talents on a stage than they are in planning for the needs of other people. While chairs maybe be the most obvious, the lack of caring takes place in many forms in American life, from people not offering lemonaide or coffee to their guests to the existence of poverty in our country.

This is why I, Mr. Manners, am yelling from the roof tops: bring on the manners revolution! If you see someone show bad manners throw your salad fork at them; if you see a gentleman not holding the door open for a lady take a poop on their car after they have gone inside; if you see an auditorium without enough seating set the place on fire (but not before warning your polite friends).

It is time that all of us well manner people stop putting up with the greed and corruption of the uncouth masses around us who refuse to politely accommodate others. Our revolution is underway and just like our forefathers, we are fighting for our very freedom, our very identities, and our very rights to have a seat at a Fleetwood Mac concert.