Tuesday, December 9, 2008

God Responds to Aldo

Dear Aldo,

For the longest time, I have been ignoring you and your civilization since you were one of my more unpolished earlier works. Yet something about your letter, Aldo, as compared to the thousands of letters and prayer requests I receive everyday, stood out to me. Usually I disregard most these requests for more important matters like listening to the new Stufjan Stevens record or creating new kinds of vegetables or helping my other creations celebrate their eternal peace and happiness, but your letter took me back to a simpler time in my life.

If you want to know the truth, I turned in your civilization as a last minute project for my world creation class in high school. I didn't even start creating you until the week before the assignment was due and didn't put forth my best effort as I'm sure you can tell based on your history of wars, poverty, pain and pop stars. Since then I have earned a degree in world creation and my work has moved passed you. At this point it is not worth my effort to fix the messes you have created for yourselves.

Think of it like this, Aldo, your dirty swirlies are completely insignificant in the grand scheme of all of the universes ever created. Nothing about you is important to me anymore. If I cared about you, wouldn't I come down and punish the young men who are shoving your head into the toilet everyday? Wouldn't I come to your universe and end all wars and suffering? Now, you might say I have to let your civilization learn from your mistakes and a few people in your universe are good at doing that but let's face it you have been making the same mistakes over and over for millions of years.

Here's is my advice to you: stop whining and start doing something to fix the problems in your universe. Stop consuming and co-habitating and start creating and connecting. And for the last time, please learn to turn the other cheek.

Don't expect to hear from me again, humanity.



  1. Way to be a dick, god. Also, someone needs to trim that beard of yours. You look like a pedophile.

  2. Dear God,
    I know you are busy and that you suck but why'd you let them plug that peephole into the girls' locker room at Leroy High?

    Yoakam Turdlington

  3. Hey man, God dude wtf is Jesus, he promised me we'd like hella hang but he's been stonewallin me brah. tell answer his phone if he's not too stuck on being all high and mighty. Bro, back in the dizzey Jesus and I would chill, get our purple drank on until one day he kept babble about saving peoples sins and like higher moral order.