Cactus Care Emergency

Tonight the kitties bit the top off of my cactus and peed in it. I am trying to save it's life, but I don't know what to do. With the annual cactus care conference in Montreal months away, I am in desperate need of advice from a cacti enthusiast.

My Judgement is Passed

After about two years of non-stop deliberation, debate, and Cheetos, I have finally decided beyond a shadow of reasonable doubt that above all Mortal Combat is the best game ever.

Super Spoiler

Hey guys,
I've hacked into Mark Rosewater's computer and found the script for the lost super-robo shark episode of Rosanie. But more importantly, I've found what's perhaps the most broken magic card ever to the see the day of light:

Meow Mixer - RRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Donkey Sorcery

Affinity for everything
Cannot be countered.
Target player must lock their deck, battlefield, and hand in a 4' by 4' by 4' cubic box with 5 live cats and at least 1 pound of pure Columbian cat nip for a duration of 10 minutes. Any cards scratched by the cats are removed from the game and replaced with Mountain Goats. If any cards named mountain goat are scratched the owner must be forced to listen to a Creed cover band or watch Glen Beck for an amount of time equal to 3 minutes per Mountain Goat defaced.

All Creatures gain bands with walls and are undead wombats in addition to their normal creature types.

Kicker-G: target creature lose banding, rampage, or cycling until end of turn.

Elder EnderHaagen cycling (2)
Whenever you cycle Meow Mixer, target President named Barrack Obama makes abortions legal and mandatory. Then, he eats some arugula and makes snarky comments about the lower classes.

Call out

Dear Mr. Highway Melon/Inspector Gadget/FishWish4Bubblez/Goat596/Frog/MoonMilkPaladin79/LouisLouisForPresident/HighwaymeloN/Biblofroghermit/Terrorist A.K.A. Joey Waalkes,

Stop changing your name. It makes the homosexual, hippie, vegan, Mexican, minority, communist, socialist, democrat, Muslim, unwashed, Black terrorists win.

Sincerely,
Sir Thomas Edward Cicero "Blufflo Wings" Waaflus Waalkes II Jr.

Ps. Billy shut the fuck up.

Hot Bath Question of the Week

 I just ate a bowl of carrots while taking a hot bath. What do you think is the most appropriate food to consume with partaking in a refreshing hot bath? I say grapes.

Ghost Story from Afghanistan: The Phantom Flush

After we arrived in Egypt, we were driven to our Hotel in Giza, the Mena House Oberoi Hotel. The history of the hotel dates back to the 1800's when it was built as a hunting lodge for the ruler of Egypt, Khedive Ismail. In 1869 Princess Eugenie of France stayed there for the opening of the Suez Canal. In the 1880's it was bought by two Englishmen and then turned into a hotel in the 1890's. During WWI the hotel was used as a military hospital. The hotel is located at the foot of the Great Pyramid of Cheops and to say that the view was astounding, would not do it justice.

The hotel is rich with history and places with this much history are known to pick up a quirk or two. After getting settled in, we heard a flush come from our bathroom. We went in to check and saw a little water swirling at the bottom of the toilet. We thought this was odd, but did not think much on it. A little later, the same thing happened again only this time the shower was dribbling water as well. I tried to turn the knob to shut the water off, but it was already in the off position, and turned as tightly as it would go. However, once I touched the handle the water stopped dripping.

This happened on at least half a dozen occasions during our two days at the hotel. It is entirely possible that this was merely a plumbing problem, i.e. when someone else flushed or showered, our pipes might also begin running water. However, the hotel has been renovated on several occasions and this seems like the kind of thing one might want to correct.

Rational explanations aside, I am not one to let an opportunity pass him by. So on our last night at the hotel, I marched into the bathroom with the intent of confronting the phantom flusher. I thought the most sensible course of action would be to call the ghost names and antagonize him. (I mean, if I was a ghost this is how I would like other people to interact with me). I called the ghost a "limp-dick camel flushing son of a bitch" and then dared him to do something about it. Nothing. Then I tried peeing around the toilet, but not in it, boldly declaring "Oooooo, look at me, I can't pee in the toilet correctly, I bet that really bothers you. Come on! Man up, do something about it." No reaction. I was not going to let him get off so easily. Then I took a shit in toilet and refused to flush. I told him that shit was his mother. Then I was pretty sure I saw a little water swirl and whisper "shut the fuck up, dickhead." Although in retrospect, that could have been the people in the room adjacent to ours.

I leave it you, dear readers, to decide for yourself. But all I know is that I sure as shit showed that ghost whose boss and no one will ever accuse me of having a tiny penis again.

Kitty Call for Wojohoski

Dear Alexander Wojohoski,
I fear that you have once again been trapped under the Jewish Community Center Pool by Manveer after losing to him in a calculator tetris match. If you are out there, please answer this kitty call. Otherwise, we will send out the search and rescue and the representatives from Elmer's Glue.
Love,
Mister T
P.S. We have taken a step forward in our quest to name a cat after you. Oink.