Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Tommy Timeline Pt 1

1991: Tommy is the spawn of immortal progency
1991 part 2: The God Balnu rests after the long labourous job of creation
1992: Tommy's wings and fangs finally sprout as do his pubes
1993: Tommy's wings are chopped off and his fangs filed down after local livestock go missing
1994: Tommy, under the moniker "Fred Donkeybark" founds the legendary Camel Crew
1994 part 2: Tommy leaves the Camel Crew citing creative differences with Joe Camel and Paul Mcartney
1994 part 3: Paul forms the legendary comedy troup The Beetles leaving Tommy as the 6th Beetle that nobody but me knows about
1996: Tommy commands his parents and family to move to NC, Tommy is growing in power
1997: Tommy's mind has to be erased so the NASA secrets will never be shared with the pubic
1998: Tommy goes on hiatus and demands that everyone call him the letter "W"
1999: Tommy is the first male ever to lactate. This is the origin of parmesan cheese
2000: Tommy marks the millenium by dropping a duece in the Scotland Yard
2001: Tommy goes to the super market
2003: Tommy gives his rib up to create the Frankenstien Monster (The Modern Prometheus)
2004: After Frankenstein destroys Balnu with his car Tommy vows to hunt and kill the monster
2006: After a 25 hour labor period, Tommy gives birth to Thomas Edward Waalkes 2000 but once it hatches TEW2000 tries to devour Tommy so Tommy has to kill and eat the offspring with Hoisin Sauce
2007: Upset over TEW2000, Tommy takes fertility drugs
2008: Tommy holds the world for ransom for a sum of 8$ at a local bookstore, a sum which as of yet has not been paid
2009: Tommy invents the cure for the common cold
2009 part 2: Tommy decides not to share the cure with anyone but his talking robodog Paco because they cancelled Hangin' With Mr. Cooper
2012: Tommy Kills SATIN!!
2013: Tommy gives birth to 9,000 babies named TEW1-9,000
2013 part 2: Tommy destroys the lost city of Atlantis and doesn't even give a fuck about it
2014: Tommy invents the disposable car
2015 part 2: Tommy boards the Titanic2.0 and ends up steering it into a hippopatamus on his way to work. Tommy dies... Or does he?


  1. Tommy, I feel your pain about the cancellation of Hangin' With Mr. Cooper. Paco and I talked last night that future generations might never get to see the show despite our awareness campaign. Is it true what they say about the women of Atlantis?

  2. Why are you gonna kill satin? It's really a nice fabric and has never done anything to hurt anyone? Sure it's been in a bunch of cheesy hair metal videos from the 80s, but who hasn't? Give satin a chance.

  3. fwhahhaha you silly mortal, your historians got it wrong. I gave birth to OVER 9000 babies, and then subsequently, Goku killed my friend Nappa and then handed my ass to me. But I escaped so I could later become the fan favorite anti-hero.