“In conclusion this is why the scarcity of nation-wide church parking makes it hard for me to understand how to use today’s new microwaves” said 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney. “Thank you and have a good night.
Andy Rooney satisfied with another adequate 60 Minutes commentary got up and left his office to go to the break room for his post-show yogurt.
“It’s not easy complaining on national TV every week but someone needs to explain how they don’t make shower nozzles like they used to” thought Andy. “Jerry Seinfeld hit the nail on the head when he said that today’s showers lack the water pressure that older ones had.”
When Andy rounded the corner and entered the break room to his surprise there was no one there. The break room, usually full of distinguished journalists, was only inhabited by an Edible Arrangements fruit bouquet with a note. Andy opened the note. The note read:
“Mr. Rooney, I have collected the 60 Minutes news team in my underground bunker. They are watching video of the 1970 Carter election telecast. My finest telecast of all time before CBS unjustly fired me for ruining 60 Minutes II, or 60 Minutes Jr. as the public jokingly referred to it. Anyway, if you want your precious news team back, then have CBS send me a written apology with a job offer. If you do not meet my demands, I will go on Fox News and tell them that you hate America. Your former colleague, Dan Rather.”
“Rather! More like I'd rather not!” exclaimed Andy. “I must stop him and save TV’s most distinguished news team!”
Andy, with a renewed sense of purpose and running as fast as possible left the CBS broadcasting building and got on the crosstown bus. He then promptly fell asleep.
TO BE CONTINUED…