Thursday, October 26, 2017

Cute Puppies & Arby's Guys

Also here's this:

This here's the newest member of the Waalkes house. He's pretty fucking awesome and wants to kick it with Skeezy. The doggie (currently named Nacho) has a charisma score of 19 so Skeezy needs to roll a 20 or he will be charmed.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

This Video Will Change Your Diaper

This is my new favorite video. I have watched it like 50 times now and, just like a fine wine, it just gets better with age. Screw that plastic bag floating in the breeze, this is now the most beautiful thing in the world. No big deal, just something to watch. Also, some potential for some good parenting tips to be gleaned from this video.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017


Image result for weedI am no cop man, I bring Kush Kush to you, please dial Bush-Did-9-11 and I will bring you freshest dankest weed. Hitler should have smoke that bomb ass skunk unk unk unk. I am squidman. We live world unity, but ARRRRGH no Hitler deny unity. Bad Hitler. Good day! Right of law! I've been married five times, but it is not my fault. Courts too favorable to my many wives. Child care is horseshit. I'm a deadbeat dad fuck with me and find out. Also please write on my webazone if you want me to send me pizza rolls.
This used to be a nice neighborhood.

Impulse Purchased Fallout 4 for $20 at a yard sale

Hippie scum don't know about this dick and how hard it works to provide west Michigan with the best services possible.

This used to be a nice neighborhood.Related image

Peeing in the Pool: the Science

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Self Cleaning House

I think this woman could have easily fit in recording with SPD. Whereas SPD asked the question: "Who cares if you don't know how to play instruments if you can just write songs and have fun anyway?" she asks the question: "Who cares if you get your entire house wet, as long as it is clean without you having to do it?"

There is something that fascinates me about someone who is a big outsider who might not be an expert in any area and comes up with a crazy idea from nowhere (Daniel Johnston, Wesley Willis, Mark Borchardt, Tommy Wiseau) and despite all the evidence against them, they continue to create or carry out their idea regardless. We are too often focused on training young people to be a knowledgeable expert who knows instead of creates.

Also, what do you guy think of the new jelly bean theme? I couldn't figure out how to center the header image though.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Baby Spoils

Veronica just got back from visiting her family in Brazil. While she was there, she had a baby shower with friends and family. One of her sisters got the baby these outfits and we thought you would appreciate them. We just hope the baby will live up to these clothes. My goals are for someone to see that baby randomly and reply, "That's one chill baby;" and for the baby/child to pass out right after saying "Turn up the Zeplin."

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Jello Bulletin

Thanks to the contributions of Team Waalkes, my Jello collection (including one expired box) has doubled in size.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

How To Live With A Man Baby: WTF is Going on With My Roommate?

As you know, I've lived with an immature space alien for a year and a half now. This is a character study of a Waalkes gone awry.

1. Lets begin with the digital clocks and silverware in the apartment. We have 3 clocks on kitchen appliances. They are always set to the correct time. If they power goes out, if one gets unplugged, or if Daylight Savings time happens. They are corrected to the right time. The same goes for our silverware. When I unload the dish washer, I don't bother organizing them. Whenever he sees them in this state he immediately corrects them. And yet we always have grease and goo covering all the important surfaces, dishes constantly piled in the sink, and a nausea inducing aroma that scares people. Cleanliness is not a priority but obsessing over minutia is.

2. We have peeping Toms and robbers in the neighborhood. Hey! Maybe lets leave all the blinds open at all times and the door unlocked at night. We've got thousands of dollars in electronics there. Oh hey, your roommate, who owns more than half of the aforementioned electronics, tells you this all the time. Its not that hard. Its free security. Oh ok lets not do that anyway. Hmmm. Why?!

Most of my other gripes are about him being an unaware, inconsiderate, childlike hypochondriac who's in denial about being mentally ill. Examples: Never leaving. Watching Frasier at high volume. Wiping his greasy hands on my couch. (Crossing a line!) Also the unsettling, creepiness factor.

What I'm asking y'all now is what the Hell is going on with this dude? He was valedictorian at VMI but apparently that don't mean shit. He's got an extremely skewed world view. He can hardly function like a normal human being. My guess is he's used to being spoon fed everything in his life. Whether by his mom or the military college. Now he's 26 and living on his own and still is expecting it all to magically be done. Um, dude this is Joey Waalkes here. I'm only in it for Skeezy and Big Macs.

My assessment: Your family's neglect and bullying fucked you up in the head. Get therapy. Acting like a crazy person will get you labelled as a crazy person. Getting treatment helps you from thinking/acting so crazy. People aren't fucking telepathic. They won't know you're getting help. (Even if they did, this is not middle school any more.) They will however know you are crazy if you are outwardly acting as such. Maybe he wouldn't be so frustrating if what he was doing at least made some sense.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Monday, June 26, 2017

The Weiner That Started It All

This is the name of my new erotic fan fiction book about Adam. Also, the hot dog car is back, bitches!!!!!!#~!

Saturday, June 24, 2017

No Rubbing, No Bumping

Also, this is the title of my new Christian abstinence-promoting rock album. The first single will be "Jesus is Watching You Dry Hump."

Monday, May 1, 2017

Blog Petition III

Its spring and babies are in the air!

Hi all,

I would like you all to sign this petition requesting that Justin and Veronica Tommy eat a stick of deodorant update the blog with a better layout and cooler graphics name their baby Joseph/Josephine. Other than Pyknite, Joey is clearly the best possible name for a baby. Its worked pretty well for me and I, like all people, am a gigantic baby. I'd even be willing to go by Joe or Sunny to avoid confusion. Below I have listed several more reasons why this is a good idea:

1. Baby kangaroos are Joeys.
2. Joey was on Friends. Chicks will use that to flirt all the time when he or she grows up.
3. In future times, the name Joey will be slang for space pirate.
4. I can play the bass fast and loose like some sort of Greek God. Its not genetics or talent. Its the name.
5.I invented fire, the wheel, and cheese pudding.
6. Back in the stone age, Joey was synonymous with "Oh shit! Here comes a Cheetah!"
7. If your baby is indeed The Chosen One as the prophecies have foretold, the intergalactic civil war will end after 9000 years and finally there will be peace in the universe.
8. I have black friends.
9. Lastly, this blog needs more readers and word of mouth isn't really working any more.

So if we can get 100 comments on here I really think you guys should consider it! Again spam counts so have at it Abo-Bder.

I also request that Tommy listen to Knights In White Satin by The Moody Blues while doing this. Thankyouverymuch!

Saturday, April 22, 2017


Saturday, March 25, 2017

More Over Zach Baggins . . .

Finn C. has just one upped you at the ghost hunting game. Now if he could only work on his ghost taunting, he should have his own TV show.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Doran, the Siege Tower

Veronica and I finished Tommy's late Christmas gift this past weekend. We did Doran as a Neo-Assyrian siege engine and so I translated it into Akkadian in Neo-Assyrian script/ductus. If I do say so myself, I think she did a great job with the art. We'll bring it with us next time we come to visit. Hope you like it!

For inspiration, we mostly copied from Ashurnasirpal II's palace reliefs of siege engines at work. See below:

Monday, March 13, 2017

Back by Popular Demand

Image result for alex jones no shirt

The bots who sometimes post comments on our blog and are trying to become self aware have demanded another Alex Jones video so they can better understand what it means to be human. Maybe they will have mercy on me during the robot apocalypse now that I have posted this . . .

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Cactus Care Emergency

Tonight the kitties bit the top off of my cactus and peed in it. I am trying to save it's life, but I don't know what to do. With the annual cactus care conference in Montreal months away, I am in desperate need of advice from a cacti enthusiast.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

The Devil is in the Pudding

Since I know that you all needed more grown men giggling like Meth-addicted school girls who have a crush on the forgotten, wolf-raised Jonas brother, I present you with . . .

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Multiplayer Cube

So, I have been reading a lot about cube recently because I want to update the multiplayer cube. There aren't a lot of resources about multiplayer cubes on the internet, but I am going to apply a lot of lessons from articles about regular cubes and from observations of what makes a good draft format based on sets that Wizards points out. One of the biggest changes that I think will make it more fun and strategic to play is to change the variability in power level so that it isn't just all the best cards in multiplayer magic. This would lead to more flexibility in what cards could be good enough to be played in the cube allowing for more interesting cards and more synergies.

Additionally, I am looking to move more towards making the cube have flexible themes that you can build your deck around. Like in regular draft sets, I want these to have some overlap so some cards are good in multiple themes or good enough on their own, so there won't be many cards that only fit in one archetype. So, based on all this, my question for you guys is what mechanics or keywords do you think are the most fun to play with in the multiplayer magic and might warrant being an archetype in the cube?

I'd also be interested in hearing any other ideas you might have about how to go about reworking the cube.