Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Cactus Obituary

Green Mister Prickly
You Are The Camel of Plants
I Name You Randall

I first remember when I first saw my dead cactus for the first time. It was alive then. This was May 2000. It was green. It was prickly. It wasn't beautiful but I loved it. My brother went off to college and left me with the profound responsibility of raising and taking care of it. I was to water it every now and then and put it inside or outside depending on the weather. I was the surrogate father of the plant. It was my honor and my duty to care for it. But now I have found out that it has been murdered. This time it wasn't set on fire. This time it was neglectfully left out without shelter, to brave the elements alone. And so, Cactus, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your mortal remains to the bosom of Boulder Creek which you loved so well. Goodnight sweet prince.

Memorial services will be held Sunday, May 8th at 1:00 PM. Donations can be sent to the Lisa Frank Sticker Fund.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Boo Boo Bo Yoo

"Welcome. Hi, This is Boo Boo Bo Yoo with the 11 o'clock news. A local high school pizza party turned ugly when a local student launched a pepperoni pizza piece into and severely scalding the face of local student, Debbie Fruit. She may never walk again. I guess what they say is correct. Never give a pizza to a high schooler unless they have a black belt and can dodge flying pizzas. Have a good Good Friday and God Bless the troops. This is Boo Boo Bo Yoo, signing out."

Hi! I am Boo Boo Bo Yoo, a local news anchor for WPPX WYZ GYXPZ. I have been working as a news anchor here in Anchorage Alaska ever since I crashed my hot air balloon here in '85. I was on a solo flight from Boumkess to San Fran when I was shot down by some punk with a surface to air Red Ryder. I guess you could say I was lost but I guess you could say a lot of things.

Hi! My name is Boo Boo Bo Yoo from Bumkiss, MI. I have been working for news station WNZ.JP, the very station that Governor Sarah Palin was sports caster for back in '89 before she accepted Satin's offering of black blood and human flesh in 2007. I was an Alpha Omega Beta back in high school. I also trained for the ROTC. This is why my clothes are well ironed and properly worn (not that the makeup/wardrobe lady doesn't play a part.)

Yubb Yubb, as the Ewoks say! This is Boo Boo Bo Yoo, local news anchor for WXYZ. I am an Ewok. I wear a skull on my head. The rest of the Ewoks were destoryed in the Endor Holocaust when the Death Star II fell to Endor and killed all of it's inhabitants. I am the sole survivng Ewok in the universe. (Except for Gary.)

Hola. Yo soy Boo Boo Bo Yoo. Yo quiero árboles norteamericanos! Somos fuera de Tic Tac.

Welcome. Hi, this is Boo Boo Bo Yoo. I am a local anchor for the news show. I send you the news. Don't get me confused. I will lash out and attack you.

Boo Boo Bo Yoo Grocery List:

One Banana
The American Dream
All Those Years I Spent Playing Bubble Baubble
Manifest Destiny
Ghosts of Future's Past
Zombie Feed

Friday, April 24, 2009

Billy Response to His Fangirls

Hey this is Billy,

uh yeah I mean its kinda weird that I breed lust only in prepubescent girls, yet anyone who is even halfway through puberty finds me to be a jackass. Am I like Hannah Montana, minus the toy line, music, TV, Nick Jonas love child, and boobs. I mean like one time I got like a bed sheet with my picture on it, but my friend spilled bleach on it.

So yeah, girls come the fuck down. I like being able to walk through the mall without being ambushed by a hoard of squealy midgets. It's like that one 80's song where the lock on my door had to be changed and shit. Like everyday after sundown, it is just like a zombie movie, but with crazed 12 year old preteens. I have to take a shotgun with me everywhere I go and sleep during the day. They rush into my house pillaging and looking for me and my stuff so they can E-bay it. You would think after one night they'd get bored but no. The more of an asshole I am to them the more they seem to crave me.

They even got my favorite rug and peed all over it. It tied the fucking room together. I mean you can destroy my couch and TV, and replace the water in my pool with disel fuel, but not destroy a classic chineese rug, made Albert Xian himself during his 70's period.

In closing, any rescuse team type marines that want to find me, my house is the one that is filled with hoards of preteens screaming at all hours (though they seem more aggressive at night.) At the very least air drop Jo bros merchandise so they're distracted long enough so I can slip out and find somewhere else to hide. I hear there's a survivor's colony in Vermont.

-Wish me luck,

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Tyler Brown Will Learn His Lesson!

It may be a shock to many of our loyal readers (yes, I'm talking about you Sandy), but occasionally I may take a comical, less-than-genuine tone on my posts on this blog. However, what I have to talk about in this post is utterly seriously and of great importance to everyone who has ever lost something important to them. Of course, I'm talking about Tyler Brown and this 1990 Topps Baseball card commemorating Nolan Ryan's 5,000 strikeout:

Back in 1992, when I was in fourth grade, I had a friend from cub scouts named Tyler Brown. Tyler and I enjoyed playing Questron II, trading baseball cards and playing on his slip n' slide. However, one tragic day our relationship turned from fun and games to unlawful theft. You see, Tyler noticed my previously mentioned Nolan Ryan card on top of a stack of baseball cards I had recently traded my Delino DeShields and Randy "Moose" Mulligan rookie cards for. That day, Tyler mention how much he liked this commerative Nolan Ryan card and when I mentioned that I would not trade it, he seemed disappointed. So, he asked me to describe a model I had built and painted of a Veloca Raptor while he slipped the card into his shirt pocket.

Mintues later, I noticed the card in his shirt pocket and was overwhelmed with rage. I decided to confont him about it when his mother came to pick him up from our play date, since mothers never stand for this kind of thing. So, hours later, in front of Tyler's mom, I asked what was in his pocket and he denied the card was there despite the fact it was obviously hanging out like a used condom.

I never did recieve that precious Noland Ryan card back and I never hung out with Tyler again. However, I still belive Tyler should take responsibility for his actions. This is where I'm asking for your help, my faithful readers. I want you to secure as many copies of the above card and mail them each in separate envelopes to Tyler Brown at this address:

Tyler Brown
43 Whooping Crane Lane
Houston, Texas 77058

Tyler will be so inindated with guilt at see the card he stole haunt his mailbox everyday that he will have no choice but to return my card. With your help we can make a difference and show the Tyler Browns of the world that they are not free to bully those people possessing cool baseball cards.

Yeeass, I Have Treassahold

6x Mountain
4x Forest
2x Plains
4x Jungle Shrine
4x Terramorphic Expanse
1x Riftstone Portal
2x Nantuko Monastery

4x Fledgling Dragon
4x Wild Mongrel
4x Anger
4x Mystic Enforcer
4x Werebear
4x Golgari Grave-Troll
4x Llanowar Mentor
1x Gigapede

4x Song of Blood
3x Grizzly Fate

Comments? Suggestions? Custard Pies?

Sunday, April 12, 2009

You Might Want to Consider Filling Your Stock Room with Something Other Than Toliet Paper

Dear Charmin,

A few weeks ago, a bear was sniffing around outside my outhouse while I was using your toilet paper. I thought the bear would be soft, so I tried to hug it. With my pants around my ankles, my neighbors video taped the horrific mauling that ensued. You may have been one of the two million youtube viewers of this video.

I'm a sporting fellow. So I'm writing to let you know I am capturing 58 bears (one for each of the 58 days I was comatose) and I will soon be freeing them into your corporate headquarters. My advice: do not try to hug them. Maybe chasing them with a broom and dust ban will work like in your commercial. At any rate, feel free to check my new website for coverage after the event. See you soon!


Saturday, April 11, 2009

The Robots have gone Berzerk!!! (Janitor Joe DOS Game Review)

For some unexplained reason, the robots have gone Berzerk!!! on your space station and, you a lowly janitor named Joe, are the only Human they know of. Not only are you responsible for cleaning the entire automated space station by yourself without health insurance or overtime pay but now you are on your own against an army of pissed off robots. Sounds like time to start updating your resume and looking for another job!!!

Your keys, your only salvation to the escape of spending the rest of your life floating in outer space, are scattered all across the automated space station. Overlooking the fact that every good janitor has their keys attached to a massive keyring on their belt loop, Joe is a crafty fellow, capable of moving in four different directions and jumping; indeed, with your help, Joe is able to perform duties well in excess of his job description.

All this has me thinking that this whole situation, this whole game really, could have been avoided if Joe had spent a little more time with his guidance counselor in high school. Joe is an man of unparalleled skill and intelligence, and aside from lacking organization skills, could have a star athlete, a CEO of a grape juice company, a therapist specializing in mechanized anger, or even President of Space.

In the end, Janitor Joe stands as a grim distopian view of the future where people are forced into occupations unsuitable for them with dangerous work environments and where robots become angry. This game should stand as a warning to us all that we need to take a proactive stance now by being nice to robots so that their first experience with emotion will be happiness.

The Circle of Life

For every baby that is made you must kill another baby.
It is the circle of life.
Babies are like the river of life,
there must be a constant flow of baby life and death.
The universe will fall into chaos.
The baby won't give a fuck,
he just gets shitty fingers all over things
then like barfs everywhere.
To baby, the order of things makes no difference.
He just pees on what he wants,
then watches cartoons.
Babies are like adorable but priks at the same time,
like the lovable guy you know from high school,
mad unreliable, but so damn charismatic (okay sexy sometimes)
that you can't hate him.

Poop or Chocolate?