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Showing posts from 2014

The Lost Obama Comic

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Resurrected from what could have been lost forever. Now preserved for the enjoyment of future generations!




Home Days for all the Male Elephants

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So, in my usual browsing of kickstarter for innovative tabletop tiddlywinks games and celebrity gardening roguelike simulators for Sega Saturn, I came across Mr. Elephant: Home Days. You have all probably wanted to pretend to be an elephant living in a house with little purpose or furniture in your life and soon enough you might be able to do just that. While the graphics look like they were done in MS Paint and there is no real discernible purpose to the game (although the author does mention something about getting points and breaking furniture), it is supposed to be a sandbox game where you get to explore. The inside. Of one house. With an elephant. Yay! Or you could recreate this entire enterprise by just noting leaving your house for a few hours and just wandering around aimlessly.

Now I don't want to be to hard on this poor author as he does point out numerous times on his page that this is supposed to be humorous, but at the same time I am puzzled by what is funny about an…

Microsoft Windows 95 Video Guide

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Task bar? Is that anything like a Snickers Bar? Does that have nougat?

As I Run Would Like To Thank It's New Sponsor Fred's Beds!

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Dear readers,


As you all may have heard on the news Fred's Beds (The best place on the block to buy a duvet) is now the official sponsor of AIR&RHCC!  Fred personally called me and said he appreciated all of our mattress related content over the years as well as our brilliant new banner!  He said our blog helps him sleep better during the cold Michigan winter nights where all you have to look forward to are squirrel jerky and the idea that one day, death will bring an end to all the snow!  Our new partnership with Fred means we get all that sweet mattress money to update the blog with better backgrounds and that Hip Hop theme music that is so popular among readers these days!  Going forward all blog posts and comments must mention Fred's Beds at least once but preferably twice or more!  If you don't talk about Fred's Beds, Fred will find you...

Follow Fred's Beds on Twitter! Leave a comment in the comment section! Follow Fred's Beds on Facebook! Give us yo…

Now That's Leadership!

HOLY BRJSH

Oregon Trail LARPING!

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http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2014/09/the-true-story-of-real-life-oregon-trail/380730/

I haven't actually this article, but we totally need to do this!! Justin, as our resident LARPing expert, I will let you help us know who will be the first one to get dysentery and who will be the first one to waste all 500 of our bullets shooting at that buffalo that was only on the screen for just a fraction of a second on the first two days of our journey.

Celebrity Cats In Suits Pt. 4

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Celebrity Cats In Suits Pt. 3

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Celebrity Cats In Suits Pt. 2

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Celebrity Cats In Suits Pt. 1

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Question: Should this be my new FB profile pic?

TMNT aka What I"ve been doing with my Savings

The Sausage Clock's Many Hours

It's 3:00am again.

I sit up in my bed and slap the clock a few times.

I misread the clock. It's actually 4:36 am.

Few people have stolen the sheer volume Beanine Weenie stock that I have. Every hour on the hour I must check the clock. Corporate HQ smelled no whiff of my plan. They had no idea. 37% isn't quite majority, but it rivals the CEO.

I think back to all of the secretaries I had to screw. The big wigs I had to bush. Some of my finest work. God damn it, it's actually 2:36 am.

Why am I writing this? Am I confessing my crimes? Am I bragging? I know the feds are on my back. I'm too smart to be caught by their shit, which why I am here.

Oh where is here, exactly? Whoever finds this will be too stupid to understand. I'll leave directions anyway. Go to Raleigh Durham Airport. Find the sewer grate at the intersection of Franklin and 8th. Go in it at precisely 5:25 am. Too late and you'll miss him. Too early and the guide won't show himself. Plunge into t…

WELCOME TO HELL, i HATE YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. pleasedonatetomykickstarter

Is That Tommy Passed Out on the Floor?

How To Seduce Women Through Hypnosis

Hunting Cows Or How I Spent My Summer Vacation

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These are some lovely cows I raised.  Here I am breaking walls down to finally let them out.  Just giving them a push in the right direction.  After a 5 minute head start, cow hunting!  Napalm. I needed some room to breathe. Why did the cow cross the road? Because he was fucking on fire.

Real Talk: Crabs

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This is the best ever recorded commentary on crabs evar!

Photoshop

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Joey's Unreasonable Requests and Demands

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I thought I'd bring back Justin's Unreasonable Requests and Demands so today's unreasonable request/demand is this:
When I die someday, if one of you guys outlives me, I need you to chop my body in half then put my top half sticking out of the North Pole and my bottom half sticking out of the South Pole.  Make it happen.

Joey's Bold & Unfounded Claims

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I thought I'd bring back Justin's Bold and Unfounded Claims.  Here's one:

The song Southern Accents by Tom Petty is better than any song Lynyrd Skynyrd ever made.

Grass: Pt. 2

When I returned, they were cordial enough and less well-armed.
"Do you have any pot?"
"I do.  I brought some with me."
We broke out my bubbler and my baggie.
"Is this Kind bud?"  They asked.  "And why has your pipe's color not filled in yet?"
"I'm not sure and I just got it."
"I told you we got another head." said Mitch to Jay.
I kept up this charade all summer.
I was by no means poor.  I drove a 2 year old Chevy Prism that I had gotten a really good deal on.  They said I should park behind the house instead of in the front with the neighbors and guests but I never did.  Maybe I liked the barefoot walk down the gravel driveway.  Or maybe I just knew better than to get too comfortable.
Its sad to think about when you're wrong.  At this time I always used to say nothing matters because we are only small bits of life and that ultimately what we said or did is not important considering how vast the universe's expa…

My Top 100 Favorite Songs

So in no particular order, here they are. I've thought about doing some separate posts about some of these songs individually and why I like them and the memories associated with them and maybe I will at some point. I'm not sure this list is set in stone and I think it will change over time, but overall I feel pretty happy with this and I love all of these songs.

The Barbarians - Moulty
The Only Ones - Another Girl, Another Planet
Army Navy - Saints
Saturday Looks Good to Me - Amublance
Saturday Looks Good to Me - Meet Me By the Water
Saturday Looks Good to Me - Alcohol
The Hold Steady - Stuck Between Stations
The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!
Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run
Camper Van Beethoven - All Her Favorite Fruit
The Magnetic Fields - The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side
The Magnetic Fields - I Think I Need A New Heart
The Magnetic Fields - Strange Powers
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Me & Mia
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Timorous Me
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Bi…

Grass: Pt 1

My father occasionally asks me what I remember of his mother, my grandmother, who died when I was only three.
"Nothing," I always lie.
The truth is I don't remember her but strawberry shortcake and the smell of cigarettes.  A picnic table under a tree and vast expanses of wet grass, made all the more vast by my small size.  Its funny what the mind holds onto.
 I can't remember my first crab feast or most of what I learned in school but I seem to recall a fallen tree.  It must have shaken the Earth when it went down in an ice storm some year.  I remember a piano repairman, a college girl, a landscaper, and a poor old house with no locks on the doors.
Its funny how what you do at once feels unimportant in the grand scheme, but somehow does matter when all is said and done.  Without these memories and experiences who would I be?
I know I left High Point for Rockingham County after a year.
"The grass is always greener" warned my French professor.  You see I was…

How to Find a Monkey's Secret Watering Hole

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I was cleaning out my desk the other day when I found a Spring 2004 copy of Apogee, the literary journal of High Point University.  On page 92, buried beneath a bunch of college poetry and short stories is my how-to on finding water in the desert.  As I recall this and the Bobber Story are the two things I turned in for creative writing assignments throughout high school and college English.  I think its based on one of those wildlife programs you see on Discovery or Nat Geo, so this is actually kind of legit.  Anyway I thought I'd type it up and share it because its weirdly awesome!

How to Find a Monkey's Secret Watering Hole

Ever been lost in the wilderness without any water?  Then pay close attention.  This may save your life.
First you must find a monkey, which pretty much goes without saying.
If no monkey is in sight, look in places where monkeys like to hang out, such as up in trees.  To gain it's trust, offer it something like a banana, but any food item will do, m…

Dr. Phil Found Poem

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This is a poem I wrote using entirely the words that came out of the man's mouth in one episode of Dr. Phil.


Let’s just be honest here. I’ve got some friends that are real mouth-breathers. Do you consider yourself a smart guy? The University of Budapest doesn’t exist. You deserve some help.
She found numerous pictures of your private parts on your phone as well. Are those for distribution? There are some things you need to acknowledge. You’ve got to think about somebody besides yourself and wonder what kind of chaos is going on in her head and here you come in and it’s just urr urr urr urr urr. Do you know what misogynistic means? Do you know what chauvinistic means? Do you know what jerk means?
We’re talking about this and you look like you’re sitting here ready to order lunch. Why is this okay? It’s just wrong. It’s just absolutely wrong. You need to fix it here now.
Women, do y’all wanna see that? I don’t care what they tell you. They don’t want to see that. They don’t want to…

Freur: Doot Doot

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Skeezy has spoken!  I wrote all the songs on little pieces of paper and threw them all up in the air in front of El Gato Loco and he went for Doot Doot.  I threw them again just to make sure and he chose the same piece of paper.  From now on this is how I make all of my important decisions.

Skeezy's Theme Song

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What do you guys think Skeezy's theme song should be?  I say we each submit 1 to 3 songs via Youtube and then after that we all vote on the songs.  Participation is mandatory.  Kapeesh?  Kapeesh.

My submissions:

Tech N9ne - Strange:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCcKkIEFYBA


Led Zeppelin (Sloppy): Dazed & Confused:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tdYMWng9lM


Freur: Doot Doot:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCvbLVAIY8w

Great Moments in Facebook History

So here's some context before this quote. I am a fan of Mara Wilson on Facebook AKA Matilda. She's got a blog that's pretty cool. I've sent her a few marriage proposals and she's sent me several strongly worded letters from her lawyer. So here's a gem from one of her profile pictures:

"You know... the world is a strange place... you happen to look remarkably like a faceless old woman who happens to secretly live in my home... only... you know... you have a face... and you are not an old woman. But except for that... you look EXACTLY like her. Spooky."

Penguin Meat

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Politics the Card Game

Hatebeak!

So, this gives me the idea that the next SPD album should have a different animal guest sing on each track. I think Bogie's baritone meowing would make a fine addition to a song about hot dogs.
Also, I am not a Parrot.

My Grand Prix Richmond Tournament Report

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First off, this is the deck list I ran that Anthony had pretty much shown me a few days before. I had played a version of the deck once last fall when he came to visit me and wanted to test some modern and enjoyed playing it’s all in on a bunch of silly auras on silly creatures strategy, but I had little experience with it and little knowledge of the modern format beyond this limited playtesting.
Originally, I was thinking I wasn’t going to go to this tournament because I had a lot of assignments due after break, because I had so little experience in the modern format, because I wanted to save money and because whenever I hang around Anthony it means not eating until late for every meal and getting to sleep late so I knew it would wear me out. However, he talked me into going since it would be an experience being such a big tournament and he offered to pay for gas and hotel money. So it wasn’t until the Friday morning when the tournament actually started that I decided to go.
Anthony…

Magic Personality Quiz

I found this magic player personality quiz, which at first I almost dismissed because the questions are often silly and dated, but in the end the result and write up were quite interesting. I would be curious to see what you all get.

Here are my results, which felt like the resonated well with my strengths and weaknesses as a player who does best with an intense level of focus. I haven't read the other 15 results, but this does seem like an interesting way to think about what kind of magic player you are that goes beyond the Spike, Timmy, and Johnny distinction.


Phil, you are a...

Supercomputer (CDFG)Competitive Defensive Flexible Game-playerYou're a serious player who's out there to win. You handle a lot of complex strategic ideas, gradually number-crunching and thinking your way to victory. 'That's the just the way it is' is the attitude of lesser beings than you. You're always analysing your game while it's happening and if things don't work out …

How Oreos are Harvested for Their Natural Resources

So I know that you are all huge fans of the show Unwrapped on BET. It has this sort of cosmic, trance-like, sleep inducing tone, music and voice overs that served as my only source of recreation between the years of 2003-2007. However, as technology has come full circle in our modern society, so has the show Unwrapped! Now we to have get natural resources from everywhere we can. Where else do you think, cocaine, gunpowder, and sugar come from, you dingus? Get your smoke buckets! Here we go!

)

Fuck yeah! Slam that shit!

Heroes 3 vs. Heroes 2

So I want to examine two of my favorite games of all time (and possibly my favorite Strategy series). I have played the shit out of both Heroes 2 and 3 so much I can't honestly decide which one I like better (or which one I've played more). Both games have their merits. Heroes 2 has an awesome look and feel, with a killer soundtrack. All the towns (while unbalance as shit) feel unique and have their own unique style of play that goes along with them. And most importantly each one is fun to play with.

With Knights and Barbarians, you want to play aggressively and pick off your opponents before they build up. Wizard and Warlock, you want to sit back and snatch up resources so you can get your tier 6 units (You've basically won the game once you get a stack of about 15 black dragon, unless of course someone else has dragons), and the sorceress is all about having a quick strike force of shooters and fliers backed up by dwarfs and unicorns. The Necromancer's units are unre…

Matt Damon

Maaaatt Damon Damon Damon Matt Damon! Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaatt DAAAAAMON!

Matt Damon used thundershock. He got a critical miss and poked his eye out.

Great Moments in eBay Item Description History

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It is also very important that I share this eBay item description that I discovered back in 2004 and have kept as a file on my computer ever since. As I recall the auction was going for over $30 at the time I saw it.


This is a crazy story that I wouldn't have believed had it not happened to me. I am not prone or drawn to the supernatural, and in fact I have a strong Christian support system, but what I experienced has no other explanation than the unexplained. This is a true story about a Rubber Ducky. I don't feel that in good conscience I can keep this thing in my house, it wouldn't be fair to my family and frankly I've lost enough sleep over it as it is. I spoke at length with my Pastor and together we came up with the idea to sell it with full disclosure, any other method and we would risk the Duck falling into unsuspecting hands. We knew that the only way to get rid of him without personal condemnation was to be open, honest and forthright. We knew the person gett…

Great Moments in YouTube Comment History

In this edition of Great Moments in YouTube Comment History, I take you back to a mere few hours ago, when a glorious YouTuber made this post on a CNN news story about the death of Harold Ramis. Finally, the world will know the true story!

Harold Ramis' legacy also included ripping off my idea for a comedy about a man who gets himself cloned. In 1994, I sent Ramis a 20 page outline for a proposed screenplay I offered to write for him for a small fee. My story was called CLONED but Ramis had his secretary from Greenlight Productions phone me to say he was not interested in directing a film about a man who gets cloned. But in 1996, less than two years later, Ramis released Multiplicity with Michael Keaton, a comedy about a man who gets cloned. It was a stupid, idiotic film with no laughs in it. There was nothing funny about it at all. It bombed at the box office and Ramis looked like a gerk for making it. Had he dealt fairly with me and paid me a salary and given me story credit, I w…

A Video I Put Up on the Youtubes!

Sliver Queen vs. Cranial Extraction

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So, Ima gonna be a total asshole in this post to someone who was but a little boy and I am fully aware of that, but it is the one day of the year where I am allowed to be an asshole!

So, back in the golden year of 2004, when men were men and donkeys were chickens and all of the girls smelled like cream cheese, young Tommy opened a cranial extraction, the hot chase rare of the current set valued at at $20 (how quaint!). A few weeks later, I wanted to trade this cranial extraction to a weird guy who drank too much caffeine and lived in a trailer in Hillsborough with magic cards covering the floor of every room (He would later go on to film himself comboing off with dragon storm on some little kid and throwing the card in his face). Tommy, however, refused to let me make this trade because he wanted to hold on to his cranial extraction even though I new cranial extraction was a card that would drop once it rotated out of standard, while Sliver Queen would continue to rise as slivers wou…

Drunken Mutant Boar Hunting

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Join the fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I was looking at help wanted ads and found this one for a dishwasher at Dave and Busters.  I thought it was too good not to post.  Keep in mind this job probably pays minimum wage and these guys are actually trying to recruit new dishwashers.

YOU WILL BE GREAT AT D&B IF:
The kitchen is a way of life and you can rock the Hobart! You can rock a Friday night and not break a single dish! You are willing to do whatever it takes and there’s no job you will not do! Sanitation is the name of the game. You have a friendly engaging style that our coworkers enjoy! You love working for a growing company. You live, love and embrace a fun, upbeat culture.DAY IN THE LIFE...When you wake up, going to work actually sounds like it could be cool! Dress the part - Chef pants and coat, it does not get better than that! Come in, clock in and join the fun!Quality adherence and sanitation are just a given! We work hard and we play hard, so when you need it - take a break.Back to the floor, showing endles…