Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The Lost Obama Comic

Resurrected from what could have been lost forever. Now preserved for the enjoyment of future generations!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Home Days for all the Male Elephants

So, in my usual browsing of kickstarter for innovative tabletop tiddlywinks games and celebrity gardening roguelike simulators for Sega Saturn, I came across Mr. Elephant: Home Days. You have all probably wanted to pretend to be an elephant living in a house with little purpose or furniture in your life and soon enough you might be able to do just that. While the graphics look like they were done in MS Paint and there is no real discernible purpose to the game (although the author does mention something about getting points and breaking furniture), it is supposed to be a sandbox game where you get to explore. The inside. Of one house. With an elephant. Yay! Or you could recreate this entire enterprise by just noting leaving your house for a few hours and just wandering around aimlessly.

Now I don't want to be to hard on this poor author as he does point out numerous times on his page that this is supposed to be humorous, but at the same time I am puzzled by what is funny about an elephant (and specifically Mr. Elephant) walking around a house. Was this just some final project that he turned in for a game design class? Did he not have any time to put more effort into fleshing out his game idea (or scrapping it) because he is actually a top secret pirate? Will we ever know Batman's true identity?

It's got just a few hours left at the time of posting and needs nearly $2000 to meet its goal (with only $56 raised so far). Tommy I know that you have a fancy job now and probably have $2000 to throw at a product that can only be described as elephant-related. Alternatively, you could just steal this idea, but make the game with a duck instead. Now, that would have endless replayability as opposed to getting tired of the elephant after 5 minutes.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Thursday, December 4, 2014

As I Run Would Like To Thank It's New Sponsor Fred's Beds!

Dear readers,

As you all may have heard on the news Fred's Beds (The best place on the block to buy a duvet) is now the official sponsor of AIR&RHCC!  Fred personally called me and said he appreciated all of our mattress related content over the years as well as our brilliant new banner!  He said our blog helps him sleep better during the cold Michigan winter nights where all you have to look forward to are squirrel jerky and the idea that one day, death will bring an end to all the snow!  Our new partnership with Fred means we get all that sweet mattress money to update the blog with better backgrounds and that Hip Hop theme music that is so popular among readers these days!  Going forward all blog posts and comments must mention Fred's Beds at least once but preferably twice or more!  If you don't talk about Fred's Beds, Fred will find you...

Follow Fred's Beds on Twitter! Leave a comment in the comment section! Follow Fred's Beds on Facebook! Give us your email address so we can send you spam daily mattress updates!  Watch Fred in bed on Youtube!  Friend Fred on MySpace!  Leave a comment in the comment selection to be entered into a contest for a new bed post!


As I Run

DISCLAIMER: Fred was not responsible for Hurricane Katrina or the BP oil spill.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Oregon Trail LARPING!

I haven't actually this article, but we totally need to do this!! Justin, as our resident LARPing expert, I will let you help us know who will be the first one to get dysentery and who will be the first one to waste all 500 of our bullets shooting at that buffalo that was only on the screen for just a fraction of a second on the first two days of our journey.

Monday, August 11, 2014

The Sausage Clock's Many Hours

It's 3:00am again.

I sit up in my bed and slap the clock a few times.

I misread the clock. It's actually 4:36 am.

Few people have stolen the sheer volume Beanine Weenie stock that I have. Every hour on the hour I must check the clock. Corporate HQ smelled no whiff of my plan. They had no idea. 37% isn't quite majority, but it rivals the CEO.

I think back to all of the secretaries I had to screw. The big wigs I had to bush. Some of my finest work. God damn it, it's actually 2:36 am.

Why am I writing this? Am I confessing my crimes? Am I bragging? I know the feds are on my back. I'm too smart to be caught by their shit, which why I am here.

Oh where is here, exactly? Whoever finds this will be too stupid to understand. I'll leave directions anyway. Go to Raleigh Durham Airport. Find the sewer grate at the intersection of Franklin and 8th. Go in it at precisely 5:25 am. Too late and you'll miss him. Too early and the guide won't show himself. Plunge into the water. Good, now you're covered in chemical shit. The guide will blindfold you. Take it off immediately. He will be gone and you will be have cab fare and a slip of paper with a city name on. Figure it out.

Next burn down the Smiling Suns Orphanage. Do it. It's vacant so no one gives a fuck. In the ashes will be a fireproof safe. Open it however you can.

It's 4:13 am. I think I've been up too long. I would look at my stock, but it's too dark. Maybe it's grown... I cannot fathom why anyone would want to own off brand hot dog product stock, so I steal it. Is it really stealing if no one wants it? Is it arson if no one misses the building? Is it really murder if no one sees?

Excuse me while I fence off my area of grass I never touch. I box it all in. 90% of the law is ownership. I see nothing in here about sharing the wealth. I own everything from here to the horizon. Too bad it's pitch black. And cold. Not wet though. That'd be trite. I'm not in a fucking dungeon. Yeah its dark. Yeah its underground. It's more like a cubicle of darkness. I think there's walls here, but I quit checking around 1:41 am.

If a tree falls in the woods, does it's family hold a funeral praising the tree's life and accomplishments, assuaging it's ego in death more than in life? No they're fucking trees. They take note and go on with their day.

Beanie Weenie Corp is a fucking forest.

Fuck Chicago, I'm the faux sausage king of America, no, Earth. 

I always used every part of the corporate buffalo. Hence, I went into hot dogs. Everyone else went into money. I went into leftover pig products. I thought it was poetic. I hate poetry.

Seriously, what the fuck? It's now 12:12 am.

You want a point to all this? A moral?

Here's some power point bulletpoints, professor:

1) Fuck Beanie Weenie Corp

2)  Use all of the buffalo always

3) Fucking bring lamps or flashlight with you. God Fucking Damn it.

4) NEVER forget to check your clock, every hour on the hour.

Now if you'll excuse me I have a sausage empire to seize, then run, then run into the ground. I am my job because the fuck am I supposed to do? Sell out? Selling out is for nice guys. No, I'm supposed to roll in the trash.


Monday, July 7, 2014

Hunting Cows Or How I Spent My Summer Vacation

 These are some lovely cows I raised.
 Here I am breaking walls down to finally let them out.
 Just giving them a push in the right direction.
 After a 5 minute head start, cow hunting!
 Napalm. I needed some room to breathe.
Why did the cow cross the road? Because he was fucking on fire.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Joey's Unreasonable Requests and Demands

 I thought I'd bring back Justin's Unreasonable Requests and Demands so today's unreasonable request/demand is this:

When I die someday, if one of you guys outlives me, I need you to chop my body in half then put my top half sticking out of the North Pole and my bottom half sticking out of the South Pole.  Make it happen.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Joey's Bold & Unfounded Claims

I thought I'd bring back Justin's Bold and Unfounded Claims.  Here's one:

The song Southern Accents by Tom Petty is better than any song Lynyrd Skynyrd ever made.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Grass: Pt. 2

When I returned, they were cordial enough and less well-armed.
"Do you have any pot?"
"I do.  I brought some with me."
We broke out my bubbler and my baggie.
"Is this Kind bud?"  They asked.  "And why has your pipe's color not filled in yet?"
"I'm not sure and I just got it."
"I told you we got another head." said Mitch to Jay.
I kept up this charade all summer.
I was by no means poor.  I drove a 2 year old Chevy Prism that I had gotten a really good deal on.  They said I should park behind the house instead of in the front with the neighbors and guests but I never did.  Maybe I liked the barefoot walk down the gravel driveway.  Or maybe I just knew better than to get too comfortable.
Its sad to think about when you're wrong.  At this time I always used to say nothing matters because we are only small bits of life and that ultimately what we said or did is not important considering how vast the universe's expanses of time and space are.  Now I can easily say everything matters.  These small bits of life are all we know and are.  The universe isn't so vast when you think about it.  I've never been anywhere but here.
I missed July 4th as I was home for the weekend.  Nonetheless, the illegal firework display was still impressive.  This is my most cherished.  This is why I'm alive.  To appreciate this beauty.
The lights, the chirping of innumerable unseen insects, the companionship of this moment.  If it doesn't matter then why is it still so vivid?
My housemates always talked strategies for playing the Virgina State Lottery.  One person they knew had won by picking the same number repeatedly.  But in reality, these people would never escape this place.  Mowing lawns, repairing pianos, getting high.  What else?
I never understood this.  I was enamored with the perfumed air and the mist rising from the field during the magic hours when it is all but dark.
To them I represented a youthful entertainment.  A kind of manic energy to break the monotony.  I write all this now, a decade older so as not to forget and try again to recapture that energy.
When the time comes, do any of the memories, forgotten or not, make any difference?  Does the sound of a banjo outside my open window at night still ring in my ears?  Yes.
The last night I was there, I asked them "Is this house haunted?"
"By who?"
"By the people that lived and died here before us."
I wonder if they still live there and why.  I saw Kate some months later in the Fall.  She had left too and wouldn't say why.  I could drive out, try to find this ghost house again.  Would it still be there?  Yes and no."
Its funny what the mind picks and chooses to keep.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

My Top 100 Favorite Songs

So in no particular order, here they are. I've thought about doing some separate posts about some of these songs individually and why I like them and the memories associated with them and maybe I will at some point. I'm not sure this list is set in stone and I think it will change over time, but overall I feel pretty happy with this and I love all of these songs.

The Barbarians - Moulty
The Only Ones - Another Girl, Another Planet
Army Navy - Saints
Saturday Looks Good to Me - Amublance
Saturday Looks Good to Me - Meet Me By the Water
Saturday Looks Good to Me - Alcohol
The Hold Steady - Stuck Between Stations
The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!
Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run
Camper Van Beethoven - All Her Favorite Fruit
The Magnetic Fields - The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side
The Magnetic Fields - I Think I Need A New Heart
The Magnetic Fields - Strange Powers
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Me & Mia
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Timorous Me
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Biomusicology
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Bottle of Buckie
The New Pornographers - Ballad of a Comeback Kid
The New Pornographers - Letter from an Occupant
The New Pornographers - The Bleeding Heart Show
The Cars - Just What I Needed
Sleater-Kinney - I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone
The Get Up Kids - Mass Pike
Tom Petty - American Girl
Sun Kil Moon - Carry Me Ohio
Sun Kil Moon - Glenn Tipton
Sun Kil Moon - Sunshine in Chicago
Appleseed Cast - Forever Longing The Golden Sunsets
Appleseed Cast - Steps and Numbers
Appleseed Cast - Santa Maria
Youth Group - Start Tomorrow Today
Sufjan Stevens - Chicago
Sufjan Stevens - The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts
We Were Promised Jetpacks - Quiet Little Voices
Band of Horses - The Funeral
The Goodnight Loving - Dead Fish on the Banks
Beat Happening - In Between
Beat Happening - Our Secret
Beachfield - Coles to Newcastle
The Helio Sequence - Can't Say No
Sebadoh - Ocean
Frightened Rabbit - Modern Leper
Outkast - Hey Ya
TV on the Radio - Wolf Like Me
Peter Bjorn and John - Object of My Affection
Pure Prarie League - Amie
Pure Prarie League - Call Me, Tell Me
The Nashville Ramblers - Trains
The Replacements - Unsatisfied
The Wedding Present - I'm Further North from You
Old Canes - Little Bird Courage
Japandroids - Younger Us
Our Anatomy - Zombie Love Song
The National - Mr. November
The Dodos - Fools
The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robot
The Flaming Lips - Waiting for Superman
Tommy James - I Think We're Alone Now
Holy Fuck - Lovely Allen
The War on Drugs - Taking the Farm
The Mountain Goats - Next Year
Kittens Ablaze - Gloom Doom Buttercup
Great Lake Myth Society - Heydays
Aesop Rock - None Shall Pass
Mouth's Cradle - Summertime
Question Mark and the Mysterians - 96 Tears
The Apples in Stereo - Winter Must Be Cold
Beach Boys - Good Vibrations
Spoon - I Summon You
Blink-182 - Feeling This
Baby Dayliner - Hoodlums in the Hit Parade
Brandston - Summer in St. Claire
Alias - Well Water Black
The Kingsbury Manx - 10008
Cloud Nothings - I'm Not Part of Me
The Pixies - U-Mass
My Morning Jacket - One Big Holiday
The Octopus Project - Porno Diaster
Raymond & Maria - No One Notices Your Brand New T-Shirt
America - Sister Golden Hair
Rod Stewart - You Wear It Well
The Hoodoo Gurus - I Want You Back
Soul Asylum - Endless Farewell
Yo La Tengo - Autumn Sweater
The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps
Broken Social Scene - Anthems for a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl
Weezer - Only in Dreams
Titus Andronicus - A More Perfect Union
Throw Me The Statue - About To Walk
Dexy's Midnight Runners - Come on Eileen
The Shout Out Louds - Very Loud
The New Amsterdams - From California
Minus the Bear - Monkey!!!Knife!!!Fight!!!
Minus the Bear - Absinthe Party At The Fly Honey Warehouse
Modest Mouse - Third Planet
Pavement - Cut Your Hair
Chumbawamba - Tubthumping
The Weakerthans - Tournament of Hearts
The Len Price 3 - Keep Your Eyes On Me
The Most Serene Republic - (Oh) God

Grass: Pt 1

My father occasionally asks me what I remember of his mother, my grandmother, who died when I was only three.
"Nothing," I always lie.
The truth is I don't remember her but strawberry shortcake and the smell of cigarettes.  A picnic table under a tree and vast expanses of wet grass, made all the more vast by my small size.  Its funny what the mind holds onto.
 I can't remember my first crab feast or most of what I learned in school but I seem to recall a fallen tree.  It must have shaken the Earth when it went down in an ice storm some year.  I remember a piano repairman, a college girl, a landscaper, and a poor old house with no locks on the doors.
Its funny how what you do at once feels unimportant in the grand scheme, but somehow does matter when all is said and done.  Without these memories and experiences who would I be?
I know I left High Point for Rockingham County after a year.
"The grass is always greener" warned my French professor.  You see I was the best French student High Point had seen and I would be missed.
"Yeah right" were my final words to him.
2004.  I enrolled at Guilford College that summer and studied Spanish and World Politics.  On the way back from the mountains with Martin and Alex and my brother Phil, we stopped at Guilford and threw the frisbee around a dusky athletic field encircled by asphalt.  I was there then to find housing for the summer. I found a bulletin board with help wanted signs and apartment advertisements.
"100 year old farmhouse" the weathered ad read.  This appealed to my sensibilities.
When I first arrived to meet them, Mitch, the landscaper, asked "why would you want to live here?"  After all there would be no AC and nothing but heat all summer.
"I like this place.  I like nature and that sort of shit..."
Mitch only laughed.  He had me pegged as a rich tourist immediately.
Its funny what you treasure.  I seem to recall a southern glow from Greensboro and the most giant bugs flying around exterior lights as though they were still craving sunlight.
At day I was alone.  Everyone else was at work, at school.  I appreciated the solitude.  I would play with the cats, smoke cigarettes, watch the grass grow.  Sometimes I would make the half-hour drive down the 220 to attend class but when Jay, Kate, and Mitch came back the afternoon went up in smoke.
"I don't do drugs.  Just pot."  I would always say, but that seems like a rationalization.  Its hard to reason with that which you cannot understand, with that which you cannot grasp.
I am by no means an old man.  For 29 years I have prided myself with musical pursuits.  Played mostly by memorization of patterns, not by feeling.
My first night there I was timid, as is my way.  Jay, a piano repairman, brought out his shotgun to gauge my reaction.
I went to Walmart to buy an extension cord.

How to Find a Monkey's Secret Watering Hole

I was cleaning out my desk the other day when I found a Spring 2004 copy of Apogee, the literary journal of High Point University.  On page 92, buried beneath a bunch of college poetry and short stories is my how-to on finding water in the desert.  As I recall this and the Bobber Story are the two things I turned in for creative writing assignments throughout high school and college English.  I think its based on one of those wildlife programs you see on Discovery or Nat Geo, so this is actually kind of legit.  Anyway I thought I'd type it up and share it because its weirdly awesome!

How to Find a Monkey's Secret Watering Hole

Ever been lost in the wilderness without any water?  Then pay close attention.  This may save your life.
First you must find a monkey, which pretty much goes without saying.
If no monkey is in sight, look in places where monkeys like to hang out, such as up in trees.  To gain it's trust, offer it something like a banana, but any food item will do, maybe a burrito or some Chef Boyardee.
If no food is available, try to be one with the monkey.  Swallow your pride, get on all fours, and speak to him; show that you understand him as much as he understands you.  These steps should easily make the monkey warm up to you.  That's when you grab him.  Don't abuse the monkey's new found trust, though.  Be gentle.  Be smooth, suave and sophisticated.
As you as you have the monkey in your arms, tie him to the nearest tree where he can relax.  Again, be firm, but not rough.  If he gets sassy, tell him you need his help.  Give your primate pal a bit to eat.  Offer a monkey's favorite treat, a salt rock.  He will find it irresistible, and will munch it all, regardless of how hungry he is.  Make sure to give him the largest salt rock you have-you want to make him very thirsty.  He must eat all the rock before you untie him.  He must be parched and ready for a big drink!
By the time the monkey has consumed the rock, you will both no doubt be eager to pay a visit to his secret watering hole.  Don't make the little guy suffer any more than necessary.  Untie him, but be ready to run because, take it from me, once he is free, he will go straight for his watering hole traveling at full speed.
Being a monkey, he will surely have a secret cave or secluded spring which he frequents, the kind of cave or spring that only Boy Scouts or Navy Seals would have the survival skills to find on their own.
When you arrive at the water source, don't be too hasty to drink.  While its understandable that you may have run miles to get there, you mustn't get in the  monkey's way when he's drinking.  After all, it is the monkey's secret watering hole.  Be courteous and wait your turn.  When the monkey is finished, its your turn.
Drink deep from the refreshing spring.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Dr. Phil Found Poem

This is a poem I wrote using entirely the words that came out of the man's mouth in one episode of Dr. Phil.

Let’s just be honest here.
I’ve got some friends that are real mouth-breathers.
Do you consider yourself a smart guy?
The University of Budapest doesn’t exist.
You deserve some help.

She found numerous pictures of your private parts on your phone as well. Are those for distribution?
There are some things you need to acknowledge.
You’ve got to think about somebody besides yourself and wonder what kind of chaos is going on in her head and here you come in and it’s just urr urr urr urr urr.
Do you know what misogynistic means? Do you know what chauvinistic means? Do you know what jerk means?

We’re talking about this and you look like you’re sitting here ready to order lunch.
Why is this okay?
It’s just wrong. It’s just absolutely wrong.
You need to fix it here now.

Women, do y’all wanna see that?
I don’t care what they tell you. They don’t want to see that. They don’t want to see that.

She’s no princess here.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Freur: Doot Doot

Skeezy has spoken!  I wrote all the songs on little pieces of paper and threw them all up in the air in front of El Gato Loco and he went for Doot Doot.  I threw them again just to make sure and he chose the same piece of paper.  From now on this is how I make all of my important decisions.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Skeezy's Theme Song

What do you guys think Skeezy's theme song should be?  I say we each submit 1 to 3 songs via Youtube and then after that we all vote on the songs.  Participation is mandatory.  Kapeesh?  Kapeesh.

My submissions:

Tech N9ne - Strange:

Led Zeppelin (Sloppy): Dazed & Confused:

Freur: Doot Doot:

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Great Moments in Facebook History

So here's some context before this quote. I am a fan of Mara Wilson on Facebook AKA Matilda. She's got a blog that's pretty cool. I've sent her a few marriage proposals and she's sent me several strongly worded letters from her lawyer. So here's a gem from one of her profile pictures:

"You know... the world is a strange place... you happen to look remarkably like a faceless old woman who happens to secretly live in my home... only... you know... you have a face... and you are not an old woman. But except for that... you look EXACTLY like her. Spooky."

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Politics the Card Game

Politics: The Bludgeoning
Politics boils down complex social and political issues into their pragmatic utility just like real live politicians. The idea is that you win by out-sleezing your opponent. You win when your opponents approval rating goes to zero or you control enough political offices. Money buys you everything from people to offices to corporate "endorsements" and you manipulate the laws to your advantage. 

The first set of the game would focus on spoofing modern American politics. The humor of the game would center upon mocking tropes found within the political scene without being overly topical (I.E. making Anthony Weiner jokes or mocking Bush directly, when the collective unconscious has forgotten about both of these individuals). Later sets could spoof other eras of history, such as antiquity.
The mechanics are thus: 

You and your opponent draw 7 cards at the start of each game and start with 50% approval rating. Political offices exist as part of a player’s deck. You may play an office for free, but any player can have a person they control run for an office if they pay the necessary costs. The other player may counter by having one of their people run for office. You win an office by outtalking your opponent, making your opponent’s person leave his cause in shame upon losing an election. People have stats called charisma (power) and dedication (toughness).

Offices are worth a certain amount of points and it takes ten office points to win (arbitrary I might change it). Low offices (E.G. sheriff or mayor) are worth one point. Middle offices (governors and congress people) are worth 2 points. High offices (President or Senator) are worth 3 points. Offices come with additional effects and benefits per the office.

Turn order follows roughly the same rhythm as Magic: Draw, main phase, elections/propaganda, main phase clean up. During the propaganda phase the people you own can attack your opponents approval rating directly through the use of media outlets which you purchase from your hand. You also have to pay to put someone in control of a media source. Media sources have audience factors which boost the charisma of the people who control them. Your opponents can choose to spin and block your propaganda with the people they have in their own media sources.

Also, you have laws both local and global that you can purchase. Local laws function just like auras in magic. They only attach to particular permanents.

Here’s some examples of cards:
Rainbow Coalition- 3 mil
Corporation- non-profit  activism
Donates 1 mil to your cause each turn.
If you ever control one race people discard Rainbow Coalition.

Stoned Slacker- 1 Mil
White deadbeat
1 Charisma/ 1 dedication

The Dead vote – 2 mil
Political Maneuver
Gain 2% approval rating for each person in your discard pile

Billionaire Billy - 20 Mil
Donates 10 mil per turn to your cause
Draw 3 cards at the beginning of each turn 
10 Char/10 Dedication

Free Billy -4 Mil
Political Maneuver-Knee Jerk (instant (does magic have this copy-righted?))
Prevent all damage dealt to target unique person. Remove all laws attached to that person.
That person gains Political Immunity (Shroud) permanently.

Friday, March 14, 2014


So, this gives me the idea that the next SPD album should have a different animal guest sing on each track. I think Bogie's baritone meowing would make a fine addition to a song about hot dogs.
Also, I am not a Parrot.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

My Grand Prix Richmond Tournament Report

First off, this is the deck list I ran that Anthony had pretty much shown me a few days before. I had played a version of the deck once last fall when he came to visit me and wanted to test some modern and enjoyed playing it’s all in on a bunch of silly auras on silly creatures strategy, but I had little experience with it and little knowledge of the modern format beyond this limited playtesting.

Originally, I was thinking I wasn’t going to go to this tournament because I had a lot of assignments due after break, because I had so little experience in the modern format, because I wanted to save money and because whenever I hang around Anthony it means not eating until late for every meal and getting to sleep late so I knew it would wear me out. However, he talked me into going since it would be an experience being such a big tournament and he offered to pay for gas and hotel money. So it wasn’t until the Friday morning when the tournament actually started that I decided to go.

Anthony came and picked me up in Greensboro at my apartment on the way to Richmond during a fairly terrible ice storm where there was a powerline/tree limb down that was completely blocking one side of my road and most of the streetlights in the city were out because few places had power. As soon as he got out of the car with Delanio, who owns the shop we used to play at and sponsors the “team” from there, the idea was suggested that I could play under Austin’s name who did not think to get a ride to the shop so that he could carpool to Richmond. Delanio had already paid the $40 for Austin, so I agreed because I thought I wouldn’t do well since I didn’t know the format and this would save me the $40 entry fee.

Along with the two other Native guys who drove in a separate vehicle, we got to the tournament and watched a lecture by Patrick Chapin which was tremendously helpful in me understanding what the modern format was all about, including some of the best cards and an overview of many of the decks. Then we ate pizza and went back to the hotel to prepare our decks and get some sleep for the next morning’s tournament. I asked a bunch of questions about how the deck worked and how I should sideboard and felt like I started understanding the format and many of the dominant strategies better. I also watched some videos of it online that taught me some of the little tricks of the deck including the importance of being aggressive with mulliganing (going down to even 4 or 3 cards sometimes which I did multiple times during the tournament). Then I tried to get some sleep, but couldn’t sleep at all because Delanio did not bring his CPAP machine for sleep apnea and even lied to Anthony that he did and he made so much noise gasping for air the whole night that I don’t think I got more than a few hours of sleep.

The next morning, I got registered and saw GAC in my pod and talked to him for a long time which mostly involved listening to him talk about magic formats I didn’t know much about and about how he was going to be a financial auditor. The crazy thing was that since I was not knowledge about the format and not expecting to do well, I was not the least bit nervous that morning and in fact other than one small moment, did not feel nervous the entire time I played that day. The guy I was playing for had a first round bye, so I played against Anthony during the first round and got to understand the deck a little better. Then I won the first two rounds I played against some people who were competent, but not extremely strong players. The second guy I played tried to combo out two games against me with grapeshot and seemed to miscalculate how to do it right and fizzled out both times.

Then in the 4th round, I was paired up with Craig Wescoe. When he first shook my hand and introduced himself as Craig, my first instinct was to say, “Oh Shit” in my head. However, right after that, I decided that I was not going to acknowledge that he was a pro so that I would not psych myself out and instead just treated it like another day at the office. I mulliganed down to 5 the first game and made a pretty critical mistake where I attacked with my auraed up boggle into an active knight of the reliquary not thinking about his ability to search up a fetch land and play abrupt decay on one of my auras to kill my guy. The attack essentially blew me out of this game, a game that I actually seemed to be winning up until that point. The second game I had a solid 7 card hand and despite his best efforts put solid pressure on him the entire game and ended up winning when he made a mistake not realizing that the kor spiritdance got +2/+2 for having keen sense on it as I attacked for the win. The third game I had to mulligan down to 4 and he had a couple of thoughtseizes making it almost impossible for me to come back. Even though I lost, I was happy to be able to go toe to toe with somebody who is one of the best magic players of all time and not get my ass beat into the ground.

At this point, I was expecting my second loss to come fairly soon and then a third so I could go do some side drafts, which I was looking forward to. However, the crazy thing was I never lost another match, even though there were some close calls. I ended up going 8-1 and making day 2. Most people I played were really nice. Many of them made some misplays that swung the matches in my favor, something I wasn’t entirely expecting in people who were winning that much. However, there was one guy I play in the middle rounds that got really angry at me for beating him in a couple of games that were not really close. He talked about how lucky I was to always draw what I needed and started cussing. I wished him good luck and all he said was pffft and rolled his eyes. I beat one deck which I only later learned was a meleria pod deck with two amazing hands without even having any idea what the deck did. All I saw was him play a kitchen finks and a spike feeder and I had no idea what he might be trying to do. I thumped a couple of scapeshift decks which I seemed to have a good matchup against and outplayed a tough zoo opponent by using daybreak coronet which they could do almost nothing about. Every time I won I was shocked and not expecting it to continue.

Now at the end of the first day standing at 8-1, we all start to talk about what I am going to do since I am not playing under my own name. What if I get matched up against a pro during day two and they put our match online as the feature match? What if I do well enough to get prizes and have to fill out the tax forms with the incorrect information? What if I even made top 8 and was found out as a fraud? Could both of us get banned? Would I even be able to get any prizes? Given all of these potential consequences, it pains me to say that I decided not to participate in day two and slept in a little later instead. One of the guys I was with even said he overheard someone who was overjoyed at the fact that their opponent did not show up to day 2. While I will always wonder how I might have done if I had continued playing and if I could have won the whole thing or at least made some money in prizes, I think it was best to not get both of us banned or in trouble.

The second day, I bombed in a side draft where I rare draft 10 rares most of them out of color, but at least made my money back. Then Anthony and I went undefeated in a two-headed giant sealed event that was a blast to play in. It was an exciting time and I am still a bit in shock that I ended up doing so well. And now I learned an important lesson that I will always play in tournaments under my own name. The entire saving money angle was silly had I stopped to think about it since the batterskull and playmat that you get for entering were worth more than $40. If I have time, I might try to go to some more big tournaments like this soon, since I was a blast seeing so many magic players all having fun at the same time. And that is what I did during my summer vacation.

Magic Personality Quiz

I found this magic player personality quiz, which at first I almost dismissed because the questions are often silly and dated, but in the end the result and write up were quite interesting. I would be curious to see what you all get.

Here are my results, which felt like the resonated well with my strengths and weaknesses as a player who does best with an intense level of focus. I haven't read the other 15 results, but this does seem like an interesting way to think about what kind of magic player you are that goes beyond the Spike, Timmy, and Johnny distinction.

Phil, you are a...

Supercomputer (CDFG)

Competitive Defensive Flexible Game-player
You're a serious player who's out there to win. You handle a lot of complex strategic ideas, gradually number-crunching and thinking your way to victory. 'That's the just the way it is' is the attitude of lesser beings than you. You're always analysing your game while it's happening and if things don't work out the way you want them to, you'll assess them frankly. If you didn't play as well as you could have done then you'll admit the mistake. You know that it's only by acknowledging your weaknesses that you become stronger.

You think a lot about how you play. Great ideas for your strategy hit you when you're in the shower or driving along the road. You know the value of preparation but you also know that it's never possible to predict exactly what's going to happen in a game. If things aren't working out quite how you expect them to, you think on your feet, changing your calculations until it all adds up.

You're by nature a defensive player. You believe in taking measured and carefully reasoned out moves rather than piling everything in for a big attack as soon as the game begins. You're not a big risk-taker. As far as you're concerned laying everything on the line to take a chance is a sign of weakness. There's no need to risk jeopardising everything when you have everything under control.

We say: When it comes to thinking things out before a game and thinking on your feet during it, nobody does it better. It's impressive how you spend your time working on improving your game, studying strategy articles and thinking things through. Developing your person-watching skills will make you even better. You'll get advance warning about what your opponent's going to do by noticing his reactions to what he draws. Some people will pull some pretty smart tricks - chatting to you before the game to lull you into a false sense of security, talking to you during the game to get you where they want you. People like you who focus purely on the game are being genuine when they do this, but others may not be... Be ready for when you play against people like this - nobody can read you like a book, but Supercomputers run the risk of getting hacked.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

How Oreos are Harvested for Their Natural Resources

So I know that you are all huge fans of the show Unwrapped on BET. It has this sort of cosmic, trance-like, sleep inducing tone, music and voice overs that served as my only source of recreation between the years of 2003-2007. However, as technology has come full circle in our modern society, so has the show Unwrapped! Now we to have get natural resources from everywhere we can. Where else do you think, cocaine, gunpowder, and sugar come from, you dingus? Get your smoke buckets! Here we go!


Fuck yeah! Slam that shit!

Friday, March 7, 2014

Heroes 3 vs. Heroes 2

So I want to examine two of my favorite games of all time (and possibly my favorite Strategy series). I have played the shit out of both Heroes 2 and 3 so much I can't honestly decide which one I like better (or which one I've played more). Both games have their merits. Heroes 2 has an awesome look and feel, with a killer soundtrack. All the towns (while unbalance as shit) feel unique and have their own unique style of play that goes along with them. And most importantly each one is fun to play with.

With Knights and Barbarians, you want to play aggressively and pick off your opponents before they build up. Wizard and Warlock, you want to sit back and snatch up resources so you can get your tier 6 units (You've basically won the game once you get a stack of about 15 black dragon, unless of course someone else has dragons), and the sorceress is all about having a quick strike force of shooters and fliers backed up by dwarfs and unicorns. The Necromancer's units are unremarkable save for two of them: Skeletons and Vampire lords. While Skeletons have no special abilities stat-wise they are are the best level one units and due to the necromancy skill you get a fuckload of them. Vampire lords are able to drain the life off of an enemy stack and replenish themselves.

In Heroes 3 the towns are lot more consistent in power at the cost of the uniqueness of the towns . The general strategy for each town feels very much the same. Each town didn't lend itself to any particular style of play due to the fact that towns were given access . Every non-neutral unit has an upgraded version of itself. The upgraded units definitely balance out the game creature-wise and resource-wise, but at the same time the upgrades feel very arbitrary. On the other hand, the upgrades in Heroes 2 were more logical, but alsomore flavorful. How do you upgrade a wolf or a dumbass peasant? Upgrading an ogre with better gear or giving elves better bows makes more sense. Ima end this here since I don't remember what else I was gonna say.

Matt Damon

Maaaatt Damon Damon Damon Matt Damon! Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaatt DAAAAAMON!

Matt Damon used thundershock. He got a critical miss and poked his eye out.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Great Moments in eBay Item Description History

It is also very important that I share this eBay item description that I discovered back in 2004 and have kept as a file on my computer ever since. As I recall the auction was going for over $30 at the time I saw it.

This is a crazy story that I wouldn't have believed had it not happened to me. I am not prone or drawn to the supernatural, and in fact I have a strong Christian support system, but what I experienced has no other explanation than the unexplained. This is a true story about a Rubber Ducky. I don't feel that in good conscience I can keep this thing in my house, it wouldn't be fair to my family and frankly I've lost enough sleep over it as it is. I spoke at length with my Pastor and together we came up with the idea to sell it with full disclosure, any other method and we would risk the Duck falling into unsuspecting hands. We knew that the only way to get rid of him without personal condemnation was to be open, honest and forthright. We knew the person getting the duck would have to know the whole story and accept the consequences freely. We felt the only way to do this was to be sure the story would be read, understood and accepted.

So here it is. My son, now 2, received this rubber ducky as a gift from an Aunt when he was approximately 10 or 11 months old. He was very enthusiastic about his bath time and loved the new addition to the tub. He named the duck "Yella", his personal pronunciation of Yellow and of course the color of the duck. Now as with most kids their tastes change and can be at times fickle, in fact suggesting that all kids have some level of ADD would not be a stretch. Soon Yella had lost some of his appeal in the eyes of my son, he requested the ducks company less and less as time wore on, until such a time where Yella was all but forgotten. We originally thought nothing of it, then as time went on my son began to speak more and was able to articulate his thoughts he started referring more and more to his old friend Yella. The problem was that it wasn’t in a positive or childish manner. In fact it was really quite disturbing, he repeatedly made reference to fights he and Yella had, and a subsequent scar inflicted on the left side of the ducks head. At first we just figured he had an active imagination and that eventually he would forget about Yella, but he never did. In fact each time he told the story he did it with more detail and more emotion until his Mother and I finally forbid him from telling the story at all. In fact my wife was so distressed she searched out the duck and vowed to dispose of it. At this point our son had an unnerving attachment to Yella, he would never let the duck out of his sight. He was never affectionate towards the duck, he just insisted that the toy always be around no matter what. He was about a year and half by now and there was certainly no bargaining with him, every time we tried to take the toy our son would lose it, literally crying bloody murder. Needless to say there was no way of coaxing the duck away and despite our best efforts the stories continued. We hoped and prayed that his obsession with Yella would pass with time, we even found ourselves spoiling him in an effort to replace the duck. It was useless.

One night our Son and Yella were having a bath together with several of the other bath toys collected over the course of the previous year, there was a boat, a whale, a starfish, a small action figure and some miscellaneous plastic tools. Our Son's overall interest in Yella had dwindled to the point of sheer indifference. In fact if he had his way the duck wouldn't have even been in the tub, instead it was because of his Mother's lapse in judgement that Yella was included at all. He went about playing and splashing with his other toys, all the while ignoring the duck, intentionally or not. It was at this point our son noticed the other toys in the tub changing shape, distorting and losing their color into the water. He didn't understand what was happening but he knew something wasn't right, he also noticed that Yella was eerily positioned at the end of the tub, dead center and facing him directly. He also noticed the ducks shape hadn’t changed and his color appeared to be as bright as ever. It seemed as though the toys were melting before him. It was at this point that he reached out to grab the duck, almost mesmerized by his yellow body. As he grabbed the duck he felt a piercing pain in the palm of his hand and immediately threw the toy back into the water, he was sure he had been bitten. Anger flooded our son and again he grabbed at Yella and this time he wasted no time in throwing the duck across the room. The duck crashed against the raised corner of the toilet paper holder, bounced off the wall and came to rest at my feet as I now stood in the doorway of the bathroom. By now my wife was aware of our son's rage and the events taking place, she threw down her magazine, jumped off her stool and lunged across the washroom toward our son. She scooped him up into her arms. My wife and I looked at each other as we tried desperately to process the evidence before us, all the while our little one cried and shouted at the Rubber Ducky on the floor.

As I mentioned before, if it had not happened to us I would've never given it a second thought and I certainly would have dismissed the author as a quack and the story as a farce. We immediately checked the temperature of the water, it was luke warm. We searched the bathroom high and low for chemicals or agents which may have caused this reaction in the toys, nothing was found. Our son was not burned and with the exception of a small cut on the palm of his hand, there was no sign of injury. Being cautious we packed our son in the car and headed for the emergency room, as expected nothing was found to be abnormal. We then rushed to the home of our Pastor, We've never been fanatical with respect to our religious beliefs, but we felt like there was something unholy and unexplainable hear that needed to be addressed. Our Pastor assured us there had to be an earthly explanation, but at the same time he had an unsettled look that left us feeling doubtful. We left and headed home, exhausted and anxious to put this night behind us. At home we rushed upstairs to our sons room, got him into his pajammas and said our good night prayers. Our son seemed distant and agitated but soon relented to his own exhaustion. My wife and I returned downstairs to the main floor bathroom and the scene of this evenings event. Everything was as we left it, with one exception, Yella was back in the tub, dead center and facing us directly. We looked at each other in the hope the other would appear calm and composed, it didn't happen, instead we starred at each other waiting for an acknowledgement of who had put the duck back in the tub. That didn't happen either. I immediately grabbed up the duck and without hesitation placed him in the closest container I could find, a Tupperware style container on the counter in the kitchen. I then stormed out the garage and tossed the container on the workbench while I headed back in the house to try and comprehend what had just happened. It was at this point I picked up the phone and called our Pastor and how we find ourselves in the position we are in today.
I can't explain what happened, and the sooner I can put the events of that night and this duck behind me, the better off I'll be.

I will not be responsible for the duck after shipping, I will not field questions or help to explain its unusual mystique. I want nothing to do with it. The winning bidder must understand this. I don't want someone to find this thing in a Dumpster or buy it at a garage sale, I want the person who gets it to understand what they have and not to take it lightly, and for Gods sake I don't want it near children. I'd be just as happy if you buried it in the Tupperware container it's still in.
I hope you can respect my wishes.
Thank you.

This is the story from the original listing. I myself, a headstrong idiot, bought it from a third party. This duck is truly inhabited by the devil himself. I cannot live with it. The OUjia board that was in my house kept setting itself up at night. I threw it outside went to bed, and woke up the nest morning. The board was sitting on the table, set and on the word YES. The next morning, after i had decided not to touch the board, i was skipping through channels. As i skipped quickly words from ramdom tv shows begain to form a word. The word i could of swore i heard was Lucifer. This story is true to what i have told you. I do not know about the outer-world, but what i have seen and experienced is true. The picture i have listed was a picture i took with  my child. I did not know this was the duck until my wife told me. The next morning there was a burn mark on my childs hand. I cannot, aloow this to be in my house any longer.

Great Moments in YouTube Comment History

In this edition of Great Moments in YouTube Comment History, I take you back to a mere few hours ago, when a glorious YouTuber made this post on a CNN news story about the death of Harold Ramis. Finally, the world will know the true story!

Harold Ramis' legacy also included ripping off my idea for a comedy about a man who gets himself cloned. In 1994, I sent Ramis a 20 page outline for a proposed screenplay I offered to write for him for a small fee. My story was called CLONED but Ramis had his secretary from Greenlight Productions phone me to say he was not interested in directing a film about a man who gets cloned. But in 1996, less than two years later, Ramis released Multiplicity with Michael Keaton, a comedy about a man who gets cloned. It was a stupid, idiotic film with no laughs in it. There was nothing funny about it at all. It bombed at the box office and Ramis looked like a gerk for making it. Had he dealt fairly with me and paid me a salary and given me story credit, I would've written a clever and funny script for him but instead, Harold Ramis elected to rip me off by rejecting my 20 page outline and then going ahead and making the movie anyway. He's dead and off the earth now? I won't miss him. I wonder how many other writers he ripped off besides me. I despise what he did to me.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Sliver Queen vs. Cranial Extraction

Sliver QueenCranial Extraction

So, Ima gonna be a total asshole in this post to someone who was but a little boy and I am fully aware of that, but it is the one day of the year where I am allowed to be an asshole!

So, back in the golden year of 2004, when men were men and donkeys were chickens and all of the girls smelled like cream cheese, young Tommy opened a cranial extraction, the hot chase rare of the current set valued at at $20 (how quaint!). A few weeks later, I wanted to trade this cranial extraction to a weird guy who drank too much caffeine and lived in a trailer in Hillsborough with magic cards covering the floor of every room (He would later go on to film himself comboing off with dragon storm on some little kid and throwing the card in his face). Tommy, however, refused to let me make this trade because he wanted to hold on to his cranial extraction even though I new cranial extraction was a card that would drop once it rotated out of standard, while Sliver Queen would continue to rise as slivers would always be popular until the end of time or the length of John Stamos's career, whichever comes first. I pleaded with him and he would not do it. If I remember correctly, I believe Tommy ended up trading the Cranial Extraction to Skippy for half of a root beer, a Mogg Flunkie and a dirty sock. I just want to point out that Cranial Extraction is currently valued at about $1 and Sliver Queen is currently valued at $42.

Sorry, Tomy. I'm done being self righteous and I'm sure Emperor Cladius has a special place in purgatory for people like me. You are now allowed to rub jam in my shoes and put bananas under my pillow at some time when I am not paying attention. Also, Philville will offer you political asylum if you ever are force to flee from your home country because your government decrees that you are legally obligated to eat a stick of deodorant.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Join the fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was looking at help wanted ads and found this one for a dishwasher at Dave and Busters.  I thought it was too good not to post.  Keep in mind this job probably pays minimum wage and these guys are actually trying to recruit new dishwashers.

  • The kitchen is a way of life and you can rock the Hobart!
  • You can rock a Friday night and not break a single dish!
  • You are willing to do whatever it takes and there’s no job you will not do!
  • Sanitation is the name of the game.
  • You have a friendly engaging style that our coworkers enjoy!
  • You love working for a growing company.
  • You live, love and embrace a fun, upbeat culture.
  • When you wake up, going to work actually sounds like it could be cool!
  • Dress the part - Chef pants and coat, it does not get better than that!
  • Come in, clock in and join the fun!
  • Quality adherence and sanitation are just a given!
  • We work hard and we play hard, so when you need it - take a break.
  • Back to the floor, showing endless fun!
  • The shift is over – Everything is clean and put away, clock out and call it a day!
  • Days, nights and weekends, we can find a time.
  • First job or second job, it does not matter! Enjoy schedule flexibility!