Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My Top Ten Favorite Magic Cards #1

I doubt anyone had any doubts that Kiki Jiki would top the list. When I first started playing Friday Night Magic, I built a kick ass standard deck around this guy based on a weird anti-affinity list that won a random tournament. I have such great memories play it, meeting Adam, Ken, dragon shirt guy, Calvin, JD, and Thad and cutting my teeth as a tournament player. I loved how the deck was powerful with it's comes into play creatures like eternal witness and also played such quirky cards like Rootrunner. After Kiki Jiki rotated out of standard, I had to keep a Kiki-Jiki deck together and it got even more sick with a greater card pool.

Even aside from the amazing synergy this card has with Eternal Witness, Kiki-Jiki is a steamroller of card advantage that left unchecked will overwhelm opponents quickly. Sure, it's triple red casting cost, small power and toughness, and legendary status are downsides, it's because this card would be bonkers if it were any better. With haste, it's already impossible to avoid getting knocked around by it even if you do have instant speed destruction. And then it has such incredible resilience with creatures that return cards from your graveyard to help ensure that Kiki-Jiki will stay on the board to outlast all of the destruction your opponent can throw at it. The only real way to stop it is eradicate. Damn you, Tommy!

Honorable Mentions

Ulamog, the Infinite Gyre - One of the most ridiculous multiplayer creatures ever printed. You have to love Rise of Eldrazi for shit like this.

Stalking Yeti - Another critical cog of the babykiller deck and another one of those cards that people always had to read. It may be the poor man's flametongue kavu, but it's also a freaking yeti that is always checking your Facebook page.

Flametongue Kavu - Or maybe Flametongue Kavu is the rich man's Stalking Yeti. Bling Bling. Stop reading this blog immediately and raise the roof for Flametongue Kavu. Thank you.

Sakura-Tribe Elder - So critical for almost any deck playing green. The most versatile and powerful modern ramp card.

Sacred Mesa - Pony Crater is such a great thing to do with all that mana that control and multiplayer decks accumulate and it's so good against mass removal. What's not to love.

Thousand-year Elixir - A tricky, but fun build around card. Really enhances creatures with right kind of abilities.

Ensnaring Bridge - I had to have at least a shout out to the discard deck and this may be the most hated card from that deck. Back in the day when all we played with were creatures and creature removal, this deck would completely shut down the game. If only Alex can draw his one disenchant . . .

Ink-eyes, Servant of Oni - Isn't it so much fun to ninjutsu this guy into play returning a white Myojin to reset its divinity counter and being able to pull a woodfall primus from the opponent's graveyard?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

My Top Ten Favorite Magic Cards #2

Zuberas, O, Zuberas! How my brain emits euphoria at the sight of your eyeless faces?
Zuberas, O, Zuberas! My lions do feel tender in your presence like a Christmas ham glistening in cherry glaze!
Zuberas, O, Zuberas! What majesty will you have in store for me in my next game?

Will you draw me many cards? Will you gain me much life? Will you destroy my opponents hands?
How I delight at the possibilities! How I love to collect you, to count you, to destroy you at my own hands!
You have been made to live and multiply for the sole purpose of my amusement and card advantage!

Countless pundits, talking heads hiding behind their sharpened Jittes and trusty Tarmogoyfs, have dismissed you, even mocked you as, "useless, boring, lame." Others have ignored you shoved away behind stacks of benalish heroes and chub toads, forgotten in an abyss of terrible cards.

O, Zuberas! How have such noble creatures be forced to such a cruel fate! You and I know you belong in between protective sleeves, you belong alongside Akroma and Ink-Eyes and Konda, you belong on the battlefield with your breathern, ready to head to you demise at a moment's notice! You belong in Zubera, a land of opportunity, prosperity and hope, a land where men are whiskers and women are compact discs, a land where you are beautiful in its multiple red suns and free to roam its cheese-covered groves, a land called Zuberica, the only land for me!

Monday, December 20, 2010

My Top Ten Favorite Magic Cards #3

Scrying Sheets is one of the best card advantage engines over the course of a long game. Of course you have to build your deck around snow permanents, which despite a few amazing ones likes ohran viper and stalking yeti and the support of skred and into the north, were rather underpowered. Scrying sheets was the one card that made playing all this snow worth it. It could outlast the card advantage of any control deck over a long game, especially causing havoc for mono-blue control players who would run out of counterspells. And the icing on the cake is that it does not even cost you a card since it is already a land that taps for colorless.

I played Joey's Babykiller deck in friday night magic tournaments for a longer time than I have ever played any other deck. It was no longer a dominant deck in standard at that time mostly because it had no possible way to beat dragonstorm or any kind of combo. Yet, I had a lot of success with it tearing apart all the lorwyn tribal decks of the time and all the people playing control decks too. One of the best things going for it was that people not only did not know the strategy behind the deck, but often had to read many of the cards since they were not always typical standard fare. Even though it is Joey's deck, I've always had a blast playing with it and probably know how to play it better than almost any other deck. Scrying Sheets was the glue that held the deck together and there are few magic moments more satisfying to me than hitting with it at a critical time.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

My Top Ten Favorite Magic Cards #4 or How to Cheat at Magic

The top three ways to make sure you always have multiple Shining Shoals in your hand:

1. Pray to the Japanese god of arcane. If you have led a noble life, you will draw it when you are in need. If you have led an evil life, a donkey-cart full of turnips will fall onto you head.

2. Eat your vegetables.

3. Play with 7 of them in your deck.

Few cards are such a mindfuck and make your opponents more timid quite like shining shoal, especially when you have multiples in your hand and your opponents run into it multiple times in a row. How else could I beat Tommy's mono-red deck in a match with a spiritcraft deck that prominently features Oyobi? What other time has such a fast red deck lost to such a slow deck featuring dovescape?

Granted, there have been times I have been lucky with shining shoal in multiples to help me win (especially in the situation above). However, these situations stand out in your memory because they do end up being so incredible due to the way multiple surprise shining shoals can turn a game into a blow out for you. We don't remember the many games where I didn't draw shining shoal or only drew one. However, even in those cases part of brilliance of shining shoal is the fear it induces in your opponents, encouraging them to attack other people or stay home. Like the best combat tricks, it's a dirty mind game and makes me feel a little sleezy playing it. But only a little.

Alright, so this card was fairly obvious, but you all still have not guessed the next one.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

My Top Ten Favorite Magic Cards #5

The Ravnica/Time Spiral block version of solar flare (which is kinda weird because all of the Kamigawa dragons that gave the deck its name had rotated out and had totally abandoned any graveyard recursion that had made it famous) was the deck with which I've had the most tournament success. It was an awesome combination of the most powerful cards in standard, combined with a game plan that came naturally to me as a timmy and multiplayer enthusiast. One of my favorite moments in magic of magic is getting to play some badass big boy or girl that has a big impact on the board and that's what solar flare was all about, splashy cards like Angel of Despair, Persecute, Wrath of God and Akroma that had a big impact.

I have some great memories of intense matches playing with this deck at big tournaments in Asheville and just winning round after round. For some reason success came really easily to me with this deck. Part of it was that this deck was the most powerful deck in standard at that moment and many of the people at FNM tournaments were player tier-two decks. Part of it was I was religiously watching replays on magic online and they were helping improve my play and providing me an understanding of how matchups and sideboarding work like never before. There was one point where I had won three tournaments in a row with this deck. It was a great feeling, although I doubt I'm as good at magic as this streak would suggest. It was more being in the right places with the right deck, having done the right legwork.

At any rate, Angel of Despair was the backbone of this deck. She is a beating that is hard to overcome. Not only do you take out their best permanent, but also hung around as a threat that unchecked would end the game in a few turns. Sure the color requirements are tough, but with the Ravnica duals it was rarely a problem, and few other creatures in magic provide such versatility and value as this card.

Now, at this point, you might be thinking that this list is going to be all creatures, but, spoiler alert, the next two cards are non-creature cards. I wonder if you will be able to guess what they are.

Monday, December 13, 2010

My Top Ten Favorite Magic Cards #6

When I first looked at Meloku the Clouded Mirror, I thought it wasn't very good like the rest of the moonfolk. Returning a land to your hand to only make a 1/1 seemed like a big setback for small payoff. However, once I saw Meloku in Mono-blue control decklists and tried him out for myself, I was quite impressed. The ability to make so many flying tokens so quickly could end the game very quickly and allowed a lot of great strategic play. This is one of my favorite parts of Meloku: it requires skill to know how to use most effectively--when to play it out of your hand, how many lands to return to your hand, how many tokens to use offensively versus defensively. It's an easy card to push too far and mess yourself up when someone casts hurricane. While Meloku speaks to the Timmy in me with its ability to amass an army of fliers, Meloku sings to the spike in me who enjoys trying to figure out the optimal play and outsmart my opponent.

This doesn't even get into the cool synergies that Meloku has with hand-size matters cards, discard, anti-land destruction tech, and cards that allow you to play multiple lands in one turn. These uses would be the main way to use this in multiplayer, since messing with your manabase is generally not such a good idea in such long games. Accordingly, my fondest memories with this card are when I was using it as a finisher in my Mirridon/Champions standard mono-blue control deck. Winning a game with Meloku and an army of tokens would be such a satisfying end for a control deck, both in its speed and in the skill required. Also, Meloku can beat Mayank at chess.

I'm Not Sure What You Were Attempting To Do Here.

Well, the grade reports are in. My English professor forced the class to watch the Battlestar Gallactica miniseries to which I said poopoo to you too. Long story short he gave my essay review of it a zero when I deserved no less than a hundred, dammit. I poured my heart and soul into this essay. Anyway, here is my prof's response if you guys care to read it:

I'm not sure what you were attempting to do here, but you seem to almost intentionally avoid the critical and academic nature of this entire assignment. You directly went at this viewing with some sort of chip-on-the-shoulder slight that amounted to nothing short of an op-ed article in fox-news-style paper, the one thing I asked you all not to do. You did not bother with secondary sources and went in the complete opposite direction of any critical review. To insult your own intelligence in the most unfortunate manner, your "opinion" about the music and the actors had absolutely no critical support or back-up, nor do you have any real reason for the emotional angst you throw at SyFy or any other type of fiction that attempts to use allegory to discuss the human condition, something I was hoping you would have considered doing. It might have been better if you'd simply not committed the time to this review, then to have actually written the very thing for which you accuse the production.
Not only is it sad that you did not even bother to really analyze the human storyline and aspects that allow the production to speak to the human condition sub-texting, but you didn't even bother to find valid support for your negative interpretations. This assignment had far little to do with your negative approach to analyzing life, and more to do with the reasons why we use many different types of fiction to critically observe, scrutinize and understand our current human condition.
Going by what you've written on the paper, you did not bother to watch this film all-the-way through, or, perhaps, at all, much less take this assignment seriously. I think you knew this. I expected more and am somewhat shocked. Below is the prompt for this assignment, if you don't understand the grade.


So I guess the moral of the story is that you need to tell your crazy professors what they want to hear lest they give you a ZERO!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

My Top Ten Favorite Magic Cards #7

Like Pelakka Wurm, Artisan of Kozilek is a huge beatstick with built-in card advantage. While the colorless mana-cost is nice, Artisan does take a little longer to cast than other large threats, but with some mana acceleration, 9 mana is highly attainable in multiplayer. The ability to bring back another huge creature or another tempo-swinging creature in addition to Artisan's huge body can really seal the deal on a game you are already winning or help you come from behind in a game you aren't. Then if Artisan can start attacking, it can hammer away at your opponent's mana base with its annihilator ability.

In many ways, Artisan feels like a multiplayer, timmy-centric eternal witness. Being mono-colored and providing such a huge effect at uncommon (so you can get them for less than a quarter), he fits in so many multiplayer decks and is hard to play against. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this is probably the best uncommon creature for multiplayer ever printed. I'm also gonna go out on a 2nd limb and nickname this guy "Bob Ross." Because he is an Artisan, get it?!?

Saturday, December 11, 2010

My Top Ten Favorite Magic Cards #8

Pelakka Wurn is cool on so many levels. It's like two Loxodon Hierarchics combined into one, gaining you 7 life along with such a big body is almost always a big set back to your opponents. Then if they do decide to kill it (and who doesn't want to kill a 7/7 trampler?) you get a card to replace it. Life gain and big creatures are especially good and multiplayer and this guy has both while also being helpful against mass destruction, one of the best strategies in multiplayer.

This card epitomizes many of the reasons that Rise of Eldrazi is one of my favorite sets ever. What other set would this kind of card be printed at uncommon? What other set would this be one of the best uncommons in draft? Any limited format where you can draft multiples of this guy and total dominate is awesome by me and was probably one of the reasons I did so well in ROE drafts over the summer: it was such a natural strategy for me as a timmy and multiplayer enthusiast. And the crazy thing is this guy is probably better than any eldrazi in draft too.

Overall, Pelakka Wurm is a home run, out of the park, over the fence and he has won my heart and we are getting married.

Friday, December 10, 2010

An Intelligent Expression of Complaint Concerning Disturbed Living Quarters

Fucking fuk work this biatch. I liek it whan ppl cum to orgy @ my house. fucking kids shitting everywhere with their cocks on the lawn, while fucking every god damn piece of shit they can fit their little pencil dicks into. Thur wuz skeet in mah lawn gnome. I wana make every1 cum and get the shit off mah lawn. Shity fag asswipe dickheds. I don’t give a fuck about grammar. Grammar is 4 phags. Halo sux, CoD 4eva. my dick is huge.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

My Top Ten Favorite Magic Cards #9

Heartless Hidetsugu in your deck rarely fails to make multiplayer games more interesting. Although he usually has a huge target on his head as soon as he hits play, if you activate him at least once, whether with haste or some sort of protection, you know the game is probably coming down to the wire in an intense wild west showdown. Now, maybe these moments are more fun for me but I think it is hard to deny the fact that this guy has an intensity that few other multiplayer cards have. It's by no means an immediate win card and is hard to do much with him without some support since he is so easy and desire to kill in addition to being generally unable to win the game on his own (damn you rounding down!), but, if your opponents answers have been exhausted or the right pieces of the puzzle fall together, winning with this guy is like being the good guy in a movie slowly walking away with a huge explosion behind you.

Although this card has a very experiential, splashy Timmy effect, this card is one of the most Johnny type cards I like to play with because it really needs to have support cards to make it work. As you all have witnessed, lifelink or haste are insane with this guy. Mother of Runes or some sort of protection is generally pretty essential too. Burn can be pretty essential too to finish off your opponents' last few life. I suppose it could be fun to throw this guy randomly into a multiplayer deck with little support, but by himself, while dealing a buttload of damage usually, Heartless Hidetsugu is a little too risky if you don't have a significant life advantage. Few other magic cards have such a powerful effect that speed up a multiplayer game but require such a maniacal master plan that takes into account all the ins and outs and counter-strategies. He is also my date to prom.

Yet Another Reason to Hate Sorrorities

For once, it's not Obama's fault. Srsly, though, we need to have a meeting where all wear matching Christmas Sweaters to discuss the gravity of this situation. If we do not meet our 100% quorum, I'm off the bowling team, and replacing all of you with stuffed animals and 4 year old with severe down syndrome.

This is how I feel this week

I've got a lot going on this week, it's crunch time for me so I thought I'd share how I feel with a visual medium.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

My Top Ten Favorite Magic Cards #10

Alright, Christmas is just around the corner and you know what that means: time for Tommy to run around in a bunny suit throw mayonnaise at ducks. Well that and another top ten list.

This time I am covering my top ten favorite magic cards. Most of these cards are the ones I both enjoy play with the most and have the fondest memories of. These are the cards I dream about topdecking at night, the cards that bring back gushy marshmallow nostalgia of nights in the attic drinking beer and playing multiplayer. You might even be able to guess some of the cards on the list.  So, without further poopoo:

It can't be bolted. It can't be terrored. Sure, it can be STPed, but who would waste an STP on Yotian Solider? It blocks anything smaller than an ernham djinn all day, while still getting in for one damage a turn. He's an awesome defensive early drop for multiplayer, because on no color requirements, the four toughness and the fact that it can still ping someone for one. Yotian has aged a little with the printing of more efficient three-drops like kitchen finks or dauntless escort, but I never forget the feeling of dropping a Yotian in a multiplayer game and know, at least for a few turns, that my life total was safe.

While, unfortunately, there are a few cards which we have more of than Yotian Soldier, the count is still well above 30 and ever growing (keep your fingers crossed that it will be reprinted in Scars block). So, here is to everyone who sheds a little tear when they look at the art for pit trap! Yotian Solider, you can be my point guard/dental hygenist any day!

How to Form a Semi-Sucessful Metal Band

1) Have a name that either invokes grotesque imagery or shows how little you give a fuck.

2) Have a band member do a lot of cocaine (applicable to most any 80's band).

3) Sing about epic topics such as dragon slaying, murder, dead gods, or war.

4) Sue Napster.

5) Do charity work, which is cool, but still kinda breaks the whole "we don't give a fuck," image.

6) Gain a reputation as hypersensitive assholes.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

How to form a semi successful Post Rock band

1. Have a sentence for a band name. Extra points if it's about ghosts and or flying. EG, "This ghost hamburger can fly."

2. Release an album with only two 35 minute songs.

3. Have thought provoking song and album names. EG, "Little lumberjacks in a world full of trees."

4. Be either Icelandic or Texan.

5. Record your album in a shack in The Middle Of Nowhere.

6. In interviews, talk about swells, harmony, and crescendos like a pretentious dick.

7. Make sure your songs make the listener drowsy and then suddenly wake him or her up.

8. Don't have a bassist. Have a harpist.

Thank you very much.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Introducing Apache Chief's First Album: A Rock Opera

The year is 1267 and an advanced alien race has declared war on humanity to deplete the earth of its natural resources and leave it like a waded burger king bag on the side of the road. The aliens main weaponry consists of a mass distraction device called the serotonin thunderdome, a massive screen displaying images and playing sounds that stimulate the pleasure centers in the human brain, making all humans unwilling to do anything but sit and stare at the screen while they die of starvation. American Indians and Europeans, who are unaware of one another’s existence, all sit side by side in arm chairs, trapped in their own ecstasy inside the alien spaceships hovering around earth (Leaf Erikson was a myth made up by the sasquatch community). For some reason on the aboriginal Australians are the only ones immune to the serotonin thunderdome and therefore must fight the intelligent, but physically weak alien race on their own, until . . .

The Singing Postman arrives in his time machine possessing advanced human technology from the year 1974.Will the aliens be mesmerized by his amazing songs about world peace and express mail? Will the Singing Postman fall in love with the daughter of the leader of the alien race because the corporations backing the multi-million dollar movie production demanded the movie become more accessible?  Who will deliver Martha Filburn’s homemade cookies to her grandson at 305 Grandwood Lane while the Singing Postman is living in the past.

The course of human history changes this summer 2011.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Wedding Gift

You all probably know that I got married yesterday (woah, it's almost like I'm a grown-up or something). Everything went really well and I was pleased with the ceremony, the judge, etc. And if you want to see me looking a bit goofy in formal wear, I'm sure Veronica will be putting photos up on facebook eventually. EDIT: And here they are. If you don't have facebook, check them out here on Flickr. However, the point of this post is to share a gift I got from Veronica on our wedding day:

I thought this was a really cool gift! Maybe I'm biased, but I think she did a fantastic job with the art and formatting. Plus, I get delicious food and back rubs. It definitely reminded me of some of the classic homemade cards I've seen over the years (some featuring myself). I'm thinking of putting this in my equipment deck. Additionally, you might not be able to tell from the photo above, but she used glossy paper, so it has a foil look to it. Hopefully, this picture captures it better:

I should be home on the 14th or 15th of Dec. I'm looking forward to the post-marriage, post-wedding bachelor party.

Monday, November 1, 2010

PokeGrammar: Sandslash

I've decided to start a new series based around my time in the Japanese jungle. I live amongst the Pokemon as a weedle for several months. They accepted me as one of their own. I believe I have decoded some of the basics of Pokemon language. Enjoy the fruits of my labor:

SANDSLASH: why hello there kind sir/madaam. Fine morrow we are having.

Slash Sandslash: typically signifies the subjunctive or jussive use in a sentence of clause

SAAAAAAND Slash: A past participle, usually only used in vulgar modicums

slash slash: I fucked your mom

Slaaaaash sandslash slash slash slash slash slash: Sandslash has gone berserk and is slaughtering you or one of your loved ones, or he is asking the time. It depends on the context.

Slash slash slash slash slash sandslash sandslash: Sandslash is relying a diatribe on the struggle of modern man amidst a world decked in magpie friendly culture. He is contemplating the assertions set forth by modern philosophers and religions and begging the question as to whether society has culturally really made any progress in terms of human rights and the natural laws inherent to humanity. Or Sandslash is taking a massive shit.

Slash: Sandslash is doing a slash attack.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I Don't Want to Live in The Real World

It's strange to me how there are a ton of niche markets for video and computer games from interactive fiction to roguelike rpgs to baseball stat sims to modern adventure games that are expanding gradually. However, it feels like many of the mainstream game making companies are making the same game over and over again with slight tweaks. I think many gamers are thirsty for innovation and diversification, yet the gaming companies are too afraid to stray far from the norm because they are afraid it will hurt their bottom line. Gamers are more sophisticated that the companies are currently giving them credit for and this great article provides an example of one game that has bucked the system (at least graphically) and succeeded on a fairly large scale.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Call out

Dear Mr. Highway Melon/Inspector Gadget/FishWish4Bubblez/Goat596/Frog/MoonMilkPaladin79/LouisLouisForPresident/HighwaymeloN/Biblofroghermit/Terrorist A.K.A. Joey Waalkes,

Stop changing your name. It makes the homosexual, hippie, vegan, Mexican, minority, communist, socialist, democrat, Muslim, unwashed, Black terrorists win.

Sir Thomas Edward Cicero "Blufflo Wings" Waaflus Waalkes II Jr.

Ps. Billy shut the fuck up.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Moon Computing

This is an actual event, reconstructed professionally from eyewitness accounts using police technology and Photoshop. Please enjoy the truth for yourselves:

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Plans for the Big Bachelor Party

Joey and I have been hard at work planning the big bachelor party. Here are our plans for far:

1. Danny will pop out of a giant cake wearing nothing but a fanny pack.
2. We will travel deep into the suburban woods, where there will be a porn star pong tournament.
3. We will climb on top of a water tour and Justin will ride down on a unicorn.
4 .Chris will go on a three day drinking binge where he will say, "turn up the zeppelin" and pass out at least 4 times.
5. We will go put-put golfing.
6. We will gamble away Justin's family fortune in Vegas causing Justin to entering into a dramatic balloon race across the world to raise money to pay off his student loans.
7. Matt will bluff at magic.
8. Mayank will solve a complicated math problem for you on a chalk board.
9. Alex will be there (kidnapped in pajamas if necessary).
10. Martin will set the neighbors house on fire in a tragic juggling accident on the roof of our house.
11. Joey and Chris will finally have a nut boxing rematch. It will be televised on Nick Jr.
12. Everyone will puke on the floor at our house, so that Justin doesn't feel bad.
13. Tommy will show a slide show of his time studying abroad in Canada while we shoot spitballs at each other.
14. All of my relatives will be there with the expectation that Justin will once and for all have a verdict about the existence of God. Brewster, however, will not stop dancing like a fag.
15. Two words: Monkey Strippers!

Violence in Video games

Violent video games don't always make us aggressive

Since violent video games were responsible for Columbine and 9/11, our culture has rightfully persecuted them with the spiteful vigor they deserve. Seriously, I know while some of you enjoy scalping screaming, innocent civilians in video games, but I do believe that too many video games use of violence is lazy, sensationalist, and devoid of a discussion of the way violence functions in our society. Too many video games copy the way violence has been used in other games without regard to the way it effects human life to the point where a game that does not use killing, such as Pokemon, seem refreshing. Violence can be an incredible way of bring tension and drama to a story when it is portrayed with the gravity or satire it deserves (I'm thinking Shakespeare).
This article I believe hits the nail right on the head and is required reading for all of you. Please turn in a one page response paper to me by next Monday.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Great Designer Search Challenges, Round 2

Some of these were pretty challenging and I'm not sure that the flavorful ideas come across well, but hopefully there are some innovative cards. The design search starts next Monday, so be sure to send forth your last minute design challenges/tips/plates of food.

Make an Adam and Steve card.
Adam and Steve – 1G
Creature – Human Druid - Uncommon
Tap: Target player gains 2 life and put an apple token onto Adam and Steve.
When Adam and Steve have three or more apple tokens on them, sacrifice Adam and Steve and put a 1/1 snake token into play.

Go to India, ride an elephant, design a card.
Gorilla Elephant Riders – 3GG
Trample, haste
If Gorilla Elephant Riders is blocked by any creature with power one or less, sacrifice it.

Listen to Tangerine by Led Zeppelin, design a card based on the lyrics.
Epic, Inspirational Sunset – 2WU
Instant - Rare
Until end of turn, creatures you control gain vigilance and tap: draw a card.

Design a card around the concept of awkward social situations.
Goblin Slob
Creature – Goblin Warrior - Common
If you control a non-goblin creature during your upkeep, Goblin Slob gets -1/-0 until end of turn.

Design a card that dies and comes back like Kenny from South Park. Also give it snow walk.
Chrome Cockroach - 3
Artifact Creature – Insect - Rare
Deathtouch, Snow-covered Swampwalk
During your upkeep if Chrome Cockroach is in your graveyard, you may pay 2B to return it to your hand.

This is a really tall order, but figure out how to make banding make sense and be more useful.
Stir the Melting Pot – 4BBB
Sacrifice all creatures you control and put an X/X token into play with trample and B:regenerate where X is equal to the power of all creatures in your graveyard.

Work on your fastball. Design a card afterwards.
Flameburst Dragon – 3RR
Creature-Dragon-Mythic Rare
When Flameburst Dragon is put into a graveyard from play, each player sacrifices two non-mountain lands.
RR, sacrifice Flameburst Dragon: Deals 4 damage to each creature and each player.

Escape from Russia by bribing guards with sexual favors and Vadca. Design a card around you harrowing experience.
Seduce – 2W
Instant – Common
Remove target creature you control and target creature you don’t control from the game until end of turn. Those creatures return to play with a +1/+1 counter.

Make a card akin to the great wall of China.
Great Wall of Ahnk – 6WW
Creature – Wall – Rare
Great Wall of Ahnk may block any number of creatures.

Design a planeswalker based around the persona or likeness of a modern famous political leader.
The Decider – 3BR
Planeswalker-mythic rare
+1: Target creature gains haste until end of turn.
-3: Destroy all creatures.
-8: Sacrifice any number of creatures you control to put that many 4/4 dragons with haste into play.

Make a card around the idea of a hyberbolic time chamber, that places either level up counters on a creature or +1/+1 counters on a creature for every turn its removed from the game.
Hyberbolic Time Chamber - 2
Artifact – Uncommon
2, Tap: Remove target creature you control from the game.
During your upkeep, put a charge counter on Hyberbolic Time Chamber.
2, Sacrifice Hyberbolic Time Chamber: return target creature removed with Hyberbolic Time Chamber to play with a +1/+1 counters for each charge counter on Hyberbolic Time Chamber.

Design a card (preferably a planeswalker) based around Jesus H.W. Christ who died on the cross so that you can eat beanie weenies from Mc'Donald's at low cost. Also, bonus points if make a mechanic around Jesus wagging his finger at you.
Jesus H.W. Christ – 1WW
Planeswalker-mythic rare
+1: put a +1/+1 counter on target creature.
-1: Target creature cannot attack during its controllers next turn.
-4: You get an emblem that says, “Each non-token permanent you control gains Tap: put a 1/1 townsfolk token into play.”

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Billy Quest

I finally finished a game. It's should only take like 5 minutes unless you are dumb and even then it will take 4 minutes. Let me know what you think.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Great Designer Search Challenges, Round 1

Alright, here are my cards for your challenges thus far (most of them anyway). Some of them might be too unnecessarily complicated, but I'm ready for the next round.

Design a card while in 0 Gravity. The Vomit Comet will work but you'll get extra points for actually sneaking onto the space shuttle before it launches.
Fire Spew – 1R
Instant - Uncommon
Fire Spew deals 2 damage to target creature or player. Remove Fire Spew from the game with three vomit counters. During your upkeep, remove a vomit counter and deal one damage to target player. When the last vomit counter is removed, put Fire Spew into your graveyard.

Have a monkey, cat, or elephant paint you a picture and design your card around it.
Peanut Heaven
Land – Rare
Tap: Add one colorless mana to your mana pool.
W, Tap: Target player gains one life.
2G, Tap: Target creature gets +1/+1 until end of turn.

Write down a card design while driving a car. (No cruise control)
Tailgating Sports Car – 3WR
Creature-Hot Rod-Uncommon
Haste, When Tailgating Sports Car comes into play tap target creature. That creature does not uptap during its controllers next untap phase.

Come up with a card design immediately after waking up.
Endless Freefall – 3B
Remove target non-artifact from the game.

Go Super Sayian and fight and beat Freiza thus saving the planet Namek from imminent destruction. Then design a card.
Cute Bunny Rabbit-1W
During your upkeep, gain 5 life.
When you attack, block or play a creature spell, sacrifice Cute Bunny Rabbit.

Design a card that encapsulates the feel of a nuclear apocalypse (ya know the one Barrack Obama is planning).
Secret Muslim Arugula Coup – 5BR
Sorcery – Rare
Each player sacrifices 5 lands, discards 5 cards and sacrifices 5 creatures.

Design a drawback mechanic based off of the idea of addiction or drunkenness. The card's abilities don't necessarily have to worsen as the creature get more wasted.
Drunken Stupor - 1R
Enchantment- Aura - Uncommon
Creature aura
At the beginning of your upkeep, put an alcohol counter on target creature. That creature gets +2/+2 for each alcohol counter on it. Sacrifice that creature if it has 5 or more alcohol counters.

 Design some sort fixed card from the power nine (or anything broken from the early days of magic, I'm thinking type 1 shit).
Tolarian School for the Blind
Land – Mythic Rare
Tolarian School for the Blind comes into play tapped.
Tap: Add U to your mana pool for each artifact you control. Play this ability only if you control an equipment.

Come up with a new way to prevent card disadvantage inherent in creature enchantments.
Creature Aura
Target creature gets +3/+3 and has flying.
If Eternalize is in your graveyard, you may pay 3WW to return it to your hand. Use this ability only during your upkeep.
2: Plainscycling

 Eat 6 burritos before bed. Wake up and design a Spanish flavored set.
Too Many Tacos - R
Target attacking creature an opponent controls gets +3/+0, haste, and trample until end of your. Destroy that creature at the end of combat.

 Design the next blue planeswalker so that it is not overshadowed by Jace the Mindsculpter AND not completely broken. & Create a new "Solemn Simulacrum" based on Randy Buehler's sexy attributes.
Randy Buehler, God of All the Land - 1UUG
Planeswalker – Mythic Rare
+1: Target creature gets -4/-0 until your next upkeep.
-2: Draw two cards.
-7: Search your library for up to three creatures and/or artifacts and put them into play.
Get Joey drunk with Rum and sit him in front of MS Paint for 3 hours. Design cards based on artwork from this session.
Alien/Yeti Spaceship – 5UU
Creature – Beast-Mythic Rare
When Alien/Yeti Spaceship comes into play, target opponent must search your library for one creature card. Put the chosen creature card into your hand and shuffle your library.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Our Blog's Greatest Hits: Some Remembries!

This blog has been around for quite some time, and we've had some nice laughs. I wanted to compose a top ten greatest one hit wonders and have be hosted by the Cutting Crew. They didn't really return my calls, so I guess I have to host the top ten:

10) The time where Chad had his way with that girl in the back of that Humvee. That was fucking awesome. It was so funny. Man Chad can have his way with me mmmmhmmmm.

9) The time during the Bush years where Dick Cheney bad mouthed us on Rush Limbaugh. That was super epic! Man Dick Cheney is Darth Vader. He's probably sitting on the Deathstar right now watching fail blog videos.

8) That one time where Christ Kitty did my taxes. So awesome!

7)When Joey made that really controversial statement about flan that got this blog banned in Mongolia and lower Mollasia. That was ballsy! My contract says I can't really say anything of substance so let's move on!

6) That time Freiza went berserk and committed genocide several times. So cool!!!

5) Remember the time when SPD was good? Neither do I!

4) The time when due to our blog, the fertile and young Billy received that kidney transplant he needed! Sweet!

3) The time where Randy Buehler guest blogged, and I peed, pooed, and jizzed myself at the same time. Bangin'! Needless to say I had to do some laundry after that!

2) The time where I used the blog to call out Cataline in the senate, thus saving the republic from an incredibly dangerous and lengthy civil war. Cataline was such a little bitch! Woah, tubular!

1) That one time where we all banded together and went on a decade long quest to retrieve the Copulus Bible from the deepest depths of Vladimir the Impaler's castle in order to prevent Iblis from escaping his bottled prison, and conjoining with Rongar the destroyer in order to sew the chaos that would ferment the Rangorok where water would into a mix of blood and semen and cattle would whiter and die and the soil would turn grey and fruitless slowly yet swiftly choking the life from our planet, eradicating everything we know love and hold dear. Kick A$$!

Monday, August 30, 2010

My Training for the Next Three Weeks

What's cooler than an indie text-based rpg about composing haikus with voice acting by Christopher Walken?

 That's right: I'm getting a second chance to take my rightful place in Washington so I can play checkers and discuss fatties all day with Mark Rosewater and stare longingly at Randy Buehler's desk, wishing he still worked at Wizards so I could cuddle with him.

Anyway, if I am going to be able to beat the throngs of magic dorks who have backpacks full of cards that they bring with them everywhere they go, I'm thinking I need to do some serious training. How serious? I'm talking Martin beating the Chinese kid at Smash Brothers serious. That's why I need your help to come up with a list a 50 challenges I have to complete in the next three weeks before the contest actually begins. These challenges need to be increasing in difficulty, doable in the 3 week time frame, and difficult enough to prepare me to slay the dragon that is the inevitable magic design test that weeds out most of the people from the start.

I'll start you off with challenge #1: Design a card that is better than anything Matt Bell could design

And here is my answer:

My Donkey Friend - 1W
Creature - Beast Comrade - Common
When Donkey Friend enters the battlefield, you may search your library for an enchant creature card, reveal it, and put it into your hand.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

You Are the Next Contestant!

Ok, since choose your own adventure blogging is the future of the internet, here we go . . .

You have worked so hard and studied your ass off on obscure Russian composers and capitals of Eastern European countries and inventors of medical equipment and now you big moment is finally here. You are on Jeopardy!!!  Your two opponents look like pushovers with whiteout sniffing habits and you have your thumb ready on the buzzer as Alex Trebek (or is it Justin with a mustache?) reads of the first answer: Jesus is the answer.

You buzz in and think, OMG! If Jesus is the answer, what is the question? There could be so many correct questions, but how will you find the right one so you can win enough money to fund you llama theme park and night club. So, dear blog readers, what is your question?

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Memorable Magic Moment #2

Fogtastic: (Warning: some details had to be filled in and are probably not totally correct.)

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away known as the Raleigh Nebula, me Phil and Martin we're in the middle of an Epic Wrathless Big Nasty game. This must have been in the days when 4th was still legal either that or Martin was playing outdated cards. I believe Martin had at least 2 Shivan Dragons, a Serra Angel, and a lot of other random weinies, probably Mountain Goat knowing Martin. Anyway, Phil had a ton of big Baddies as well. We think it was his dragon deck. So lets say Dragon Tyrant and a few other huge baddies. I don't think I had anything of any consequence and I was not at all involved in the combat.

So Martin alpha strikes Phil. After much deliberation, as this was important combat, Phil assigns all his blockers. Lot's of math was involved because life totals were low. After Phil assigns blockers, Martin starts doing some more math, adding up firebreathing and trample damage. This all took about 5 minutes to figure out. And then just to be a funny asshole: Fog. I fogged the shit out of that shit. I was not a threat and I still remained to be not a threat since I was playing cards like fog. I'm pretty sure I didn't win that game but it was awesome to totally waste everyone's time. Martin and Phil were like "WTF?"Then we went to the Indian Restaurant.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Why are some people so critical of WOTC?

Scroll down to the bottom of this article and read where it says in other news. The end of this article is one of the most intelligent and sensible pieces of writing on magic I have seen recently. Wizards has been pushing lot of tournament staples at common and uncommon recently and since the creation of mythic rares, if they were as money-grubbing as people assume they are, they would have put all the tournament staples at mythic and rubbed their hands together Mr. Burns style.

Yet, this brings up a bigger question about a porition of the magic playing population. Of course, with every set and every change in magic there are those on message boards and forums that assume this is terrible for magic and will ruin the game forever. I'm not entirely talking about them, because there are many more sensible and rational voices in the magic community, including prominent pro players, that seem to be critical of WOTC more often than giving them credit for what they do right. In general, many people in the magic community seem to be critical of WOTC far more often than they are appreciative of what they do. I understand that magic is a game that to be skilled at requires attention to detail and a critical eye, and I'm not saying that WOTC is above criticism, since only Justin Beiber is.

What I am saying is that I want to appreciate the wonderful decisions and the amazing card game that has brought me hours of comradeship and enjoyment. WOTC overwhemly communicates with their audience and listens to them and are tirelylessly working to improve their game for all of their different audiences; how many other big corporations or games go as far as magic does to do these things? I don't agree with everything WOTC has done, but when you look at the big picture of the number of awesome sets they have made and the number of good decisions they have made, it seems overwhelmingly in their favor.

Finally, there is definitely a place for criticizing and analyzing other people in life, but I don't really want that to be a part of a card game that I play for fun. It requires a lot of energy to criticize and when I play magic I want to appreciate it and have fun. Life is better when we appreciate the good moments and brush off the details.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Memorable Magic Moments #1

1. Hanabi Blast Nastiness:

Hanabi Blast is by no means a good card. 2 damage for 1RR is makes me sneeze like a panda. (Old Chinese Proverb.) This card has the potential to go off over and over if you're lucky. Once I did get it to work to devastating affect though. We were playing multiplayer and some one had knocked out Phil and it was me V. Justin. I had to burn out Justin before he killed me with Meloku and it was almost dinner time. Over the course of 2 turns, I dealt Justin 10 damage through 5 iterations of Hanabi Blast. My Dad was up in the attic talking to us about something and nobody was paying full attention to him because we were all watching the epic awesomeness. Justin was at exactly 10 life. The 1st turn I had 5 cards in hand and 9 mountains in play. 1 Hanabi Blast and the other 4, let's say Wall of Rocks, Wall of Stone, Wall of Lava and Wall of Razors. I cast Hanabi Blast, discard Wall of Stone. 2 damage. Cast Blast again, discard Wall of Razors. 4 damage. Cast again. Discard Wall of Lava. 6 damage. Out of mana. Justin's turn. Meloku gets me down to 1 life. My turn. Play Hanabi Blast discarding Wall of Rocks. 8 Damage. Followed up by the last Hanabi Blast. 10 damage! All of us we're like "Holy Shit" only we couldn't say that because it would be rude to my Dad who was still talking. It worked like a monkey on steroids. This will forever be my coolest magic moment ever.

What are your most Memorable Magic Moments/Achievements?

Friday, April 23, 2010

My Fearless Magic Predictions

 1. Swords to Plowshares will be reprinted in the next three years.
From reciprocate to condemn to Path to Exile to Oust, Wizards has slowly been making better and better one mana white creature removal. A similar pattern preceded lightning bolt being reprinted (lava spike, volcanic hammer, char, incinerate, rift bolt) and with the way small creatures have been made more and more efficient it seems that STP is approaching an appropriate power level for white removal. Also, Wizards always has to thrown in some wow reprint cards in every core set and few cards seem to be as reprintable and have such a high-wow factor as this one.

2. Control Magic will be reprinted in the next three years.

Does control magic really seem that overpowered anymore? And once again Wizards seems to slow be printing better and better control magic-ish cards leading up to its reprinting.

Stone Rain will not be reprinted within the next three years.
Magic is just selling too well right now, partially because of the removal of more efficient land destruction and counter magic. Second turn land destruction god hands are not fun and three mana land destruction will be reserved for niche or sideboard cards like cryoclasm.

4. Scars of Mirrodin will have little in common with Mirrodin Block.
With colored artifacts as the new fad and the mistake of affinity and artifact lands, I doubt Wizards wants to revist Mirrodin without significant changes. My long shot guess is that an extended deck (if extended will even still exist anymore) will feature Mishra and some new hot artifact cards.

5. Dan will start playing magic again in the next three years.
Time is about due for him to bust out his tooth and nails and Sanka to duel once again.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Magic Questions: The Reserved List

Today WotC has announced a change to their Reprint policy. Go here to read the announcement. If you are unfamiliar with the Reserved List, go here to read a great article on the subject written by Ben Bleiweiss of Starcitygames. A great deal of discussion has been generated since the announcement of Duel Decks: Phyrexia vs. The Coalition, which will contain a foil Phyrexian Negator (a card found on the Reserved List). According to the old rules of the Reprint policy, WotC was allowed to print premium (i.e. foil) versions of cards on the Reserved list. However, this usually only took place as Judge Reward foils, and thus did not greatly increase the amount of Reserve List cards in circulation. In fact Phyrexian Negator has already been reprinted as a judge foil. Of course the printing of Phyrexia vs. The Coalition changes things.

You may or may not have been aware of all the discussion going on about this subject. A great many people have been flipping their shit about Phyrexian Negator being reprinted. Not because of Phyrexian Negator or even most the cards on the Reserved list (Stephen Menendian calculated that the median value of all the cards on the Reserved list is 99 cents...thanks a lot Homelands!), but because of the dual lands. The prices for dual lands have been increasing by a significant amount in the last few years. This is usually attributed to the growing popularity of Legacy. For example, I can remember 4-5 years ago buying 4 Tropical Islands on eBay for $70.00. I just checked completed listings on eBay for 4 Tropical Islands and I found the average price to be about $184. Of course inflation is a factor too, but the price has more than doubled. I think the people freaking out most are those who have "invested" in dual lands thinking their prices would continue to increase rapidly and are afraid that WotC will start reprinting foil dual lands (even though WotC has never even suggested that might do something like this).

Some people are concerned that once prices reach a certain point (like comparable to the Power 9), people will stop trying to get into Legacy and it's numbers will drop to be similar to that of Vintage. As someone with many dual lands I am concerned, but I think I'd rather have a vibrant Legacy format than expensive dual lands. Plus, I bought them to play with not to resell for a profit and if they reprinted them I could pick up the few that I lack at a cheaper price. But I wanted to know what you thought about this. Is the Reserved list a good idea or not? Is the recent announcement that WotC will no longer be printing premium versions of cards on the Reserved list good or bad? Would it be good for WotC to reprint the dual lands in some fashion (thus getting rid of the Reserve list)? Or would it totally ruin Magic forever and start World War III?

PS: What does everyone think about the fact that the next big fall set will take place in Mirrodin?

PPS: My current plan is to come back to Raleigh in late July and stay through mid-late September. I hope you guys are around for some good times!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Hot Bath Question of the Week

 I just ate a bowl of carrots while taking a hot bath. What do you think is the most appropriate food to consume with partaking in a refreshing hot bath? I say grapes.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

How to Plan A Picnic

The number one question people ask me in elevators is, "why is your mustache on fire?" or "how are you going to get all those Muppets passed airport security?" However, on escalators, it's "how can I plan an amazing picnic?" Here are my tips ordered by the amount of butter required.

1. If you see a line of ants approaching your blanket and singing gleefully, do not pee on them. They will try to carry away your picnic baskets or watermelons and urine is like a cocktail of cocaine, steroids, and Gatorade to them. Instead, set up a number of decoy picnics around the park with plastic watermelons. The ants will never know the difference! If the ants are giant or speaking French, run away.

2. If the security guard won't let you into the park without a pass, offer him with a tasty snack. Peanuts, popcorn, candy bars or pizza will all distract that lard ass into the euphoric pleasure of a tiny moment of the broken monotony from a long day of standing in the hot sun for just long enough for you to slip passed unnoticed.

3. Dental floss can serve as a makeshift tripwire if terrorists attack your picnic.

4. The best grassy spots in high profile parks are very competitive. Mark your territory with your feces all around your blanket and people will not disturb you.

5. Most importantly, nature will kill you if you fuck with it. Hurricanes, floods, bear attacks, earthquakes, and photosynthesis kill thousands of foolhardy, sex-obsessed teenagers every year.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Musings and Observations

1) This Friday while walking from one class to another I heard someone use the phrase "intellectual masturbation."
2) Immediately following this, I walked past a girl jumping up and down yelling "Fuck poetry!" over and over again. This is my life.
3) It's super fun to watch DBZ while drunk and eating bologna sandwiches.
4) I'm currently wearing a mustache I made out of a index card and a black permanent marker, I feel cool.

1) What's so great about pants?
2) How am I like a bear?
3) Where did all the ghosts go in the Law Library?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

When I close my eyes I see pixels.

Here's a new game I've been working on. It's going to be a prequel to the Big Lebowski. Now, I realize that writing a prequel to The Big Lebowski is kind of like writing a prequel to the Bible. I'm going to give it a try though. I'm trying to think of a plot if you guys have any ideas. (Maybe something involving a cactus) Also any constructive criticism on the apartment art would be welcome. You too spammers!
The picture should get bigger if you click it...

Friday, January 15, 2010

Parking Ticket

I just got an email today that my '96 Hot pink Honda Civic has a parking ticket that hasn't been paid and is overdue roughly 13 years. There are multiple problems with this:

1) The police officer I'm just going to assume wasn't Christian and therefore has no morals. If he has no morals how am I supposed to respect him as an officer of the law? No morals means no Jesus, and Jesus is the only true law. Fuck this pagan speed limit nonsense.

2) I am famous in some circles and therefore should not be receiving parking tickets. Since I am the shit and am popular in various circles and demographic charts (no seriously one of my best friends is a demographic pie chart.) I should be above any sort of commoner law since I am essentially closer to God and work in ways that the average person cannot fathom.

3) I was attempting to something moral while I broke said laws. I can't remember, but I know for sure involved kittens. You don't want the kittens going without my aid do you? That's going to happen if I lose my license.

4) That was back during the glory years of SPD, so I was on all kinds hallucinogenics and industrial products. I can recall something about running down this parking gnome then stopping the car in the middle of highway 70, but I always chalked that time up to the acid since I woke up the next day with a raging headache in the heart of Texas.

So instead of these immoral judicial government types I want the people to decide my fate since America is a democracy, and some aloof judge fails to do his job by ignoring my pristine logic and threatening the swat team on my ass. I'm sure justice will done when placed in the hands of the people.