Friday, December 16, 2011

Another Gift

So below you'll find a text that Veronica and I worked on together. It's a gift for my Mom, so ssshhhhhhhhh. It's part of a story about an Egyptian magician who creates a small crocodile out of wax and then turns it into a real crocodile that hunts down and eats an evil servant. Fun! In the center is Sobek, the crocodile god.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Happy Holidays from Rough Raleigh

Just in time for Xmas, I have made another small adventure game. It's only 6 screens and shouldn't take more than 5 minutes. It contains beer, gorillas, and plenty of commentary on the current theories of quantum physics and relativity. Suck it Einstein. If any of this interests you and you care to waste some time, I'd love some feedback. Download here.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

House-Warming Gifts

So a certain person's house-warming party is coming up this Christmas break. Veronica and I decided to do something creative (read: inexpensive but unique), so I found some interesting ancient Near Eastern texts that we could recreate. The first is taken from the tomb of Unas (2375-2345 BCE), the last king of the 5th Dynasty. He is the first to have elaborate prayers inscribed on the walls of his tomb, which would later be called the "Pyramid Texts." I found a suitable passage (i.e. one not referring to cannibalism or baboon penises). During this period of Egyptian history, after the Pharaoh died he was supposed to rise into the sky and join the gods, either becoming a star or merging with the sun itself. The passage I selected is a prayer/incantation/blessing to enable Unas to rise into the sky to take his rightful place. After selecting the text, I found how Alexander the Great had his name written in Egyptian after he conquered the area and replaced Unas' name with that. Then taught Veronica how to draw the signs, as she's more artistically inclined than myself. We consulted images of painted inscriptions to try to get the right colors. When information was not available, we made choices based on aesthetics. Here is the final product, which is about the size of a sheet of paper.
Here is the translation, taken from James Allen's The Ancient Egyptian Pyramid Texts:

Ascending Toward the Sky:
The sky has been bled and Sothis lives, for Alexander is the living one, Sothis’s son, for whom the Dual Ennead have cleaned the imperishable Striker. Alexander’s house for the sky will not perish, Alexander’s seat for the earth will not end.
People have hidden, the gods have flown away, for Sothis has flown Alexander to the sky amidst his brothers, the gods. Nut has bared her arms to Alexander; the two foremost bas of the bas of Heliopolis, who spent the night making the god’s bewailing, have knelt down at the Sun’s head.
Alexander’s seat is with you, Sun, and he will not give it to any other. So, Alexander will go up to the sky by you, Sun, the face of Alexander as that of falcons, Alexander’s wings as those of birds, his nails as the talons of Him of Atfet.
There is no case involving Alexander at the earth with people, there is no guilty verdict of his at the sky with the gods, for Alexander has removed the case involving him and Alexander has destroyed the one against his ascending to the sky.
Paths-Parter has flown Alexander to the sky among his brothers the gods. Alexander has acquired arms as a Nile goose, Alexander has beaten wings as a kite. A flier has flown, people: Alexander has flown away from you.

Next, I found an Ugaritic text which celebrates when Baalu, the storm god and king of the gods, finally got a home (temple) for himself. The Baal cycle dates to about 1400-1350 BCE. The passage describes the building of the house and the beginning of the house warming celebration he has afterwards. I got some sculpty clay and used a wooden wedge that I have to inscribe the passage. Here is the result:

Here is the translation, taken from Mark Smith and Wayne Pitard's The Ugaritic Baal Cycle, Volume II:

Quickly his house was built,
Quickly his palace was erected.
He went to Lebanon for its trees,
to Siryan for its choicest cedars.
Lebanon for its trees,
Siryan for its choicest cedars.
A fire was set in the house,
a flame in the palace.
There! For a day and a second,
a fire burned in the house,
a flame in the palace.
For a third and a fourth day,
a fire burned in the house,
a flame in the palace.
For a fifth and sixth day,
a fire burned in the house,
a flame amid the palace.
Then on the seventh day,
the fire went out in the house,
the flame, in the palace.
The silver had turned to plates,
the gold had turned to bricks.
Mightest Baalu rejoiced:
“My house I have built of silver,
my place of gold.”
Baalu made arrangements for his house,
Haddu made arrangements for his palace.
He slaughtered large stock (as well as) small:
He killed bulls (and) fatling rams,
year old calves.

Both passages mention homes, so I thought they would be appropriate. Let me know what you think.

Youtube Post Rock Comments

  • This would be the most life changing experience if it was played to a nature video. Even thought it's already life changing.
  • Poppy flowers are beautiflul - just as beautiful as this composition.
  • The second that first note played of the song, My heart sunk, sunk with joy. but then it floated back up and is drifting in the ocean, humming the melody of this song. Because it's just so amazing.
  • Ambiance and beauty; loudness, the lack thereof, and space; continuity to your soul, led by an open road of emotions coated lightly with gentleness; the fading of forgetfulness and worldly clamor; the beginning of now.
  • This is the music I have come so far to conquer, to explore, and to find the deep, never-ending spiritual connection that is me to this world. Hammock has found a gateway to this, and for that I am thankful.
  • I was listening to this yesterday, and i accidentally opened the same song in another tab, it started about 20 seconds after the first one. The effect was so beautiful. This sond in itself is just amazing but that double effect kind of blew my mind in a completely different way. Try it. It's like teh differnce between a simple cup of sweet delicious tea and a rich cup of milk tea.
  • Ya know a song is music with words. This piece doesn't have any

New Blog Update

Muahahaha. I have finally figured out how to make the banner change each day using my skills in the dark arts. Check back tomorow and see if it has changed...

Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Zombie Horde

Here is my first draft of the zombie horde that I have put together in physical form for you evaluation.

2 Noxious Ghoul
1 Army of the Damned
1 Endless Ranks of the Dead
1 Unbreathing Horde
2 Dross Crocodile
1 Twilight's Call
1 Undead Warchief
1 Skulking Knight
2 Severed Legion
1 Death Baron
4 Cackling Fiend
1 Carrion Wurm
3 Maggot Carrier
1 Fleshbag Marauder
2 Vengeful Dead
2 Soulless One
2 Delirium Skeins
2 Infectious Horror
2 Nested Ghoul
1 Yixlid Jailer
1 Forsaken Wastes
2 Syphon Flesh
2 Bad Moon
1 Plague Wind
1 Call to the Grave
5 Zombie Giant Tokens
55 Zombie token card

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Multiplayer Cube

So, I have been working on a pauper cube that will be mostly for one-v-one drafting, which I have almost completed and will post here for comments once I have it done and entered in cockatrice. I have been enjoying making this cube and was thinking it would be great if we could make a cube to draft for our favorite format: Chaos Multiplayer. It seems to me that a well made multiplayer cube with all cards chosen specifically because they would work well in multiplayer could be a ton of fun, allow us to play with cards we wouldn't usually play with and shake up the way our games work a bit.

I don't want to overload us with alternate formats, especially if I am the only one who thinks this sounds like fun, but I am really looking forward to constructing this. Similar to the craft of the lumberjack, it is like creating a work of art.

So, here are my ideas for some different possible themes for a multiplayer cube:

1. Mono-green with lots of acceleration, big creatures and token generation
2. Big creatures+pump spells+auras and limited (possibly no?) creature removal
3. Tons of chaos cards (Goblin Game, Shared Fate, Coin Flip Cards, etc.)
4. A Mill-centric cube, where all the cards revolve around milling
5. A (more traditional and probably boring) power cube that takes all the most powerful multiplayer cards and throws them together

What do you guys think? Do you have any other ideas for cube themes?

Thursday, November 3, 2011

From Veronica's Dream Journal

Veronica found this old email she had sent me years ago about a strange dream. I thought it was pretty funny, so here it is for your enjoyment:

"In one dream, I think that your parents, the Waalkes' and my family were having a get together. It was outdoor, in some place like a park, and everybody was sitting in a circle talking about nothing important and drinking. The Waalkes (the boys), you, a friend of mine and I were sitting on a large couch, the others were sitting on chairs. I know it's weird, but Mr. Waalkes and Joey were wearing some kind of white men's afro. Some of us were drunk, and Mr. Waalkes was one of them. At one point, he left his chair, came close to the couch to make a joke about Phil and suddenly he punched Phil in his stomach. It became an awkward situation and I was already a little bit nervous, so I let out a loud laugh, but you and the boys seemed to be very offended by that and glared at me while Mr. Waalkes walked away like nothing had happened. Later, all of us were in another place but it was still the same park and there was a rock concert going on inside one building. I spent most time in this part of the dream walking around the park by myself while everybody was enjoying the concert (even our parents). Towards the end of the dream I decided to go inside the building to see what you were doing. The Waalkes and you were laughing loudly and making fun of the band and you were totally wasted. I couldn't understand what you were saying, so I asked you how much beer you had drunk and you said that you had had only nine glasses, but you were actually talking about those big German beer mugs (I don't know the name in English). There was a bench next to us and we sat there, I had my arm around you, suddenly you started to lay down on the bench and you past out in a few seconds. "

My favorite moment is when Mr. Waalkes punches Phil. Priceless moments.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Horde Magic

I don't know if you guys saw this already, but it looked like a cool alternative format to try out. I was thinking of creating a deck for it, if you all would be interested in playing it. Whaddayathink?

Sunday, October 23, 2011

T Wizzle's Obamacomic

Oh hi Mark. Tommy made these on my compy a few months ago during the summer. I figured I'd post them here so I can finally delete them off my desktop. Enjoy.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Damn those evil Pokemon!

So this is what you've been up to, Tommy? I'm going to go kill some birds and put them in your tree so you learn about the power of God.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Hard Core Kitty Story of the Day

So, I saw one of the many hardcore kittys that lives next door to me do something totally awesome yesterday. This kitty was playing with a baby mouse, watching it run around and then pouncing on it. I was driving by, but I had to stop and stare when I see a kitty doing something this hardcore. This kitty took the baby mouse in his jowls, threw it up a good six inches above his head and then swatted it to the ground with his paw. To top it off, the kitty then walked away slowly without even looking at the baby mouse again, as if to say, "you have provided me with ample amusement. I am done with you now."

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Petition For Tommy Waalkeres Not to Eat Deorderant

I Tommy Waalkes Don't want to eat Deorderant. It's toxic and filled with the obama (you know the black man who's been eye fucking your daughter. I do not have mandingo fantasies so back off. I'm a middle aged female with 2 Children who speaks her mind. Banjo Kazooie is one the best games ever printed. Jace approves of my not eating deodorant. If there are 20 million comments here I will not eat deodorant. You're all patriots Right? Watch the glen Beck show ever day @ 3 o clock. Georege Wasinmoton loved America and my famous curly fries you should too. Joey is pedophile who ate beenie weenies and FUCKED a little girl who was actually legal so its all goood. Fucking Japan. I love Japan. They make video games and school girls look more apealling. Ichi Bawls Teiasu will neva neva die. I have played AOE till 4 in the morning sevberal times. Waka waka. The circus is in town. going down down. Living in this sweet soul town. Going down down down. Sarah Palin has licked my nuts a lot.l

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Online Petition

Hi all,

I would like you all to sign this petition requesting that Tommy eat a stick of deodorant. If we can get at least 100 comments, Tommy says he'll do it. He needs to know for sure that America wants him to. Let me begin:

I, Joey Waalkes, hereby request that Tommy eat a whole stick of deodorant. It's been too long. It doesn't have to be a used stick of deodorant. It just has to be delicious. I also request that Tommy listen to Knights In White Satin by The Moody Blues while doing this. Thankyouverymuch!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Jace Has Risen

20,000 years ago Mark Rosewater gave birth to baby Jace. Mark Rosewater presented him to the sky and it was good. Mark Rosewater presented him to the Earth and it was good. Mark Rosewater presented him to humanity and humanity was saved! Upon baby Jace's birth, the three wise men, Kird Ape, Bottle Gnomes, and Uktabi Orangutang, came bearing three gifts. To baby Jace was given a Wayfarer's Bauble, a Loxodon Warhammer, and a Monkey Cage. And as Jace grew older and wiser he did perform miracles. When humanity was out of ideas, Jace brainstormed. When humanity was weary from fighting the Balduvian Horde, Jace bounced them back to whence they came. When humanity was in need, Jace fatesealed. After 33 years, Jace was taken back when he rotated out of standard but not before prophesying his return in 2012.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

My Judgement is Passed

After about two years of non-stop deliberation, debate, and Cheetos, I have finally decided beyond a shadow of reasonable doubt that above all Mortal Combat is the best game ever.

Monday, April 18, 2011

New Banner

Any critiques on the Banner/Color Scheme/Background? Lets take a vote. Do I include the dogs or keep it like this?

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


I'm thinking of giving up the whole belt thing and wearing only suspenders from now on. Here are the perceived advantages:

1. Suspenders are more fashionable. (see picture above.)
2. Suspenders make people take you seriously, but still show you have a fun side.
3. Belts are trying to choke your waist, suspenders are using the natural positioning of your shoulders to your advantage.
4. Suspenders are fashionable in many different colors and can be used to support various interesting lapel pins that express my personality.

The only down side is that it might be easier for a Kindergartener to pull on my suspenders and make my pants fall down and I could lose my job.

What do you guys think?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Dear Tommy

Dear Tommy,

Oh sorry, it's Linda now. That's going to take some getting used to! Anyway, congratulations on your sex change operation. I hear that everything went off without a hitch! Now you can finally be the woman that you've always been inside. Of course now you'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe but I know you've got a good fashion sense! You've always looked good in Fuchsia! Now that you're a woman you'll have to get a new boyfriend. Don't worry that lucky man will come around sometime soon! Just be wary. Some men will only want you for your feminine looks so use your discretion. Also now that you have to shave three times a day you may need to get a good aftershave. I recommend Aqua Velva! Finally, Don't tell Mom and Dad. We should surprise them this summer! I think they'll understand!



Saturday, March 26, 2011

Spoils of War

After eating three plates of indian food for lunch, provided for by the law school. Veronica and I took home this for later:

In addition to that we also got some seafood, which was what the law school provided for dinner:

Law School

What do most people (non-law students) use the Law School for on weekends? A bathroom. The End.


For my presentation, I choose to write about my trip to Chicago. While in Chicago I got a chance to visit the famous Chicago Oriental Institute Museum. It was really cool and I saw some mummies on racks. However, the thing that stood out most in my mind was all the ancient Duck artifacts. I have included them below for your enjoyment.

It seems the ancients enjoyed ducks as much as we do today. I think we have a lot to learn from ducks, as they are more interested in sex and food than war and evil. If everyone was more interested in food and sex the world would be a better place. I learned a lot on my trip and I hope you learned a lot too. I hope you enjoyed my short presentation and that Mrs. McGuffy gives me an A so I don't fail because of my "lack of focus." Thank you!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Friday, March 4, 2011

Spell Checkin'

I have decided to run these names through the spell checker to see how they're correctly spelled.

Joey Waalkes = Joey Walkovers
Randy Bhueler = Randy Bhutanese
Jose Canseco = Jose Cankerous
Barrack Obama = Barrack Alabama
Hideki Matsui = Hideous Catsuit
Gerrard Despardieu = Gerrard desperadoes
Yuthapong Varanukrohchoke = Southhampton (No Spelling Suggestions)
Mogwai = Hogwash

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Disturbing Email

I have found out something more disturbing than the email where Obama says the hardest thing about his presidency is not being able to go out to a local store or restaurant and have a calm and quiet time of it(WRONG he's supposed to say what Reagan and Bush Sr. said and say the hardest thing was for him to send our boys to defend America from that camel fucker in Iraq. How DARE he express what he sincerely thinks. Selfish ASSHOLE.)

I have hacked into the president's email and found this:

Evil Monkeyman Dictatorship -BBBRRR
Enchantment -American
When this card comes into play,
destroy all players FREEDOM and LIBERTY and
put a 3/8 Black Red Evil Monkey President token into play
that says this creature doesn't give a shit about the rules.
Players may only continue to play with you if they feed you
arugula or LIES.
Sacrifice if a REAL man is in your presence.
"Mr. President, Grow some BALLS!"
-Joe Six-Pack, a REAL American man

This means only one thing: I HAVEN'T PRAYED

On an unrelated note, anyone down for Bingo at SOME point. I REALLY want to play. It HAS been ages since my LAST game of Bingo.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Super Spoiler

Hey guys,
I've hacked into Mark Rosewater's computer and found the script for the lost super-robo shark episode of Rosanie. But more importantly, I've found what's perhaps the most broken magic card ever to the see the day of light:

Donkey Sorcery

Affinity for everything
Cannot be countered.
Target player must lock their deck, battlefield, and hand in a 4' by 4' by 4' cubic box with 5 live cats and at least 1 pound of pure Columbian cat nip for a duration of 10 minutes. Any cards scratched by the cats are removed from the game and replaced with Mountain Goats. If any cards named mountain goat are scratched the owner must be forced to listen to a Creed cover band or watch Glen Beck for an amount of time equal to 3 minutes per Mountain Goat defaced.

All Creatures gain bands with walls and are undead wombats in addition to their normal creature types.

Kicker-G: target creature lose banding, rampage, or cycling until end of turn.

Elder EnderHaagen cycling (2)
Whenever you cycle Meow Mixer, target President named Barrack Obama makes abortions legal and mandatory. Then, he eats some arugula and makes snarky comments about the lower classes.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Edit: What should this RV say?

Apparently my deleted Facebook account has been hacked or hijacked somehow. Have those of you still on Facebook received any suspicious emails from me?

Also, here are a couple more screenies from our upcoming adventure game based on my old Theo Therman short story.