Tuesday, December 9, 2008

God Responds to Aldo

Dear Aldo,

For the longest time, I have been ignoring you and your civilization since you were one of my more unpolished earlier works. Yet something about your letter, Aldo, as compared to the thousands of letters and prayer requests I receive everyday, stood out to me. Usually I disregard most these requests for more important matters like listening to the new Stufjan Stevens record or creating new kinds of vegetables or helping my other creations celebrate their eternal peace and happiness, but your letter took me back to a simpler time in my life.

If you want to know the truth, I turned in your civilization as a last minute project for my world creation class in high school. I didn't even start creating you until the week before the assignment was due and didn't put forth my best effort as I'm sure you can tell based on your history of wars, poverty, pain and pop stars. Since then I have earned a degree in world creation and my work has moved passed you. At this point it is not worth my effort to fix the messes you have created for yourselves.

Think of it like this, Aldo, your dirty swirlies are completely insignificant in the grand scheme of all of the universes ever created. Nothing about you is important to me anymore. If I cared about you, wouldn't I come down and punish the young men who are shoving your head into the toilet everyday? Wouldn't I come to your universe and end all wars and suffering? Now, you might say I have to let your civilization learn from your mistakes and a few people in your universe are good at doing that but let's face it you have been making the same mistakes over and over for millions of years.

Here's is my advice to you: stop whining and start doing something to fix the problems in your universe. Stop consuming and co-habitating and start creating and connecting. And for the last time, please learn to turn the other cheek.

Don't expect to hear from me again, humanity.


Tommy Timeline Pt 1

1991: Tommy is the spawn of immortal progency
1991 part 2: The God Balnu rests after the long labourous job of creation
1992: Tommy's wings and fangs finally sprout as do his pubes
1993: Tommy's wings are chopped off and his fangs filed down after local livestock go missing
1994: Tommy, under the moniker "Fred Donkeybark" founds the legendary Camel Crew
1994 part 2: Tommy leaves the Camel Crew citing creative differences with Joe Camel and Paul Mcartney
1994 part 3: Paul forms the legendary comedy troup The Beetles leaving Tommy as the 6th Beetle that nobody but me knows about
1996: Tommy commands his parents and family to move to NC, Tommy is growing in power
1997: Tommy's mind has to be erased so the NASA secrets will never be shared with the pubic
1998: Tommy goes on hiatus and demands that everyone call him the letter "W"
1999: Tommy is the first male ever to lactate. This is the origin of parmesan cheese
2000: Tommy marks the millenium by dropping a duece in the Scotland Yard
2001: Tommy goes to the super market
2003: Tommy gives his rib up to create the Frankenstien Monster (The Modern Prometheus)
2004: After Frankenstein destroys Balnu with his car Tommy vows to hunt and kill the monster
2006: After a 25 hour labor period, Tommy gives birth to Thomas Edward Waalkes 2000 but once it hatches TEW2000 tries to devour Tommy so Tommy has to kill and eat the offspring with Hoisin Sauce
2007: Upset over TEW2000, Tommy takes fertility drugs
2008: Tommy holds the world for ransom for a sum of 8$ at a local bookstore, a sum which as of yet has not been paid
2009: Tommy invents the cure for the common cold
2009 part 2: Tommy decides not to share the cure with anyone but his talking robodog Paco because they cancelled Hangin' With Mr. Cooper
2012: Tommy Kills SATIN!!
2013: Tommy gives birth to 9,000 babies named TEW1-9,000
2013 part 2: Tommy destroys the lost city of Atlantis and doesn't even give a fuck about it
2014: Tommy invents the disposable car
2015 part 2: Tommy boards the Titanic2.0 and ends up steering it into a hippopatamus on his way to work. Tommy dies... Or does he?

Monday, December 8, 2008

Free Write

Alright I need to do a free write.
If I babble long enough I will come up with something prolific.
Maybe I shall about a topic in specific.
Greed, Pride, and Sloth plague us:
When in doubt get some more.
I'm never wrong.
I'll never ask what for?
Drain their blood till it's all gone.
They're all ants to me.
I'd rather die burning, than live running.
I'll skim from them
Oh naturally, it's all without sin
If they keep sitting, and not seeing

Dip into your wallet,
I need some more polish
to dazzle more magpies
for my gullet.
I'll giggle and smile all the while,
Funding my debonair style.

Sunday, December 7, 2008


Fuck homework he's some poetry:

Tommy Waalkes

I guess I’m supposed to be a worker bee
and work only for the colony.
Looks like I have to put a pen and let words flow freely.
I’m supposed to be a cog in the machine
and turn in the same place daily.
Forcing out creativity and saying this is me!
I guess im suppose to be happy
and manufacture my own faith, love, and loyalty.
Create my image, paint myself as divinity.
Is that the only way I will go down in history?
I’m supposed to lie about my identity,
have it change endlessly to please anybody.
Living and thinking outside the stream of notoriety,
to be remembered I must please the historians, Society.

On the sweatshop’s floor,
in the barroom’s roar,
behind the bedroom’s door,
I am supposed to prove I am a man
to some whore.
Be a manly or be a faggot.
This life
the dreamer’s nightmare.
No heaven nor hell
just mediocrity.
Just bland society.
Just generic gender monogamy.
Just shallow substitutions for reality.
Just a band-aid for malady.

Practice gluttony.
Surround yourself with new toys.
Get a pool, a garden, a TV, a Wii, a computer, a golden knee.
Build a wall with the toys.
Keep everyone out, hide behind techno1ogy.
Like Tylenol for a cancer,
numb the pain until death
living to die tragically,
not to live happily.

Monday, December 1, 2008

If God Loves Me, Why Can't I Get My Locker Open?

Dear God,
How many dirty swirlies is a reasonable amount to receive in one day? The kids in my gym class have told me that I deserve 2 dirty swirilies everyday while everyone watches. These events are quite unpleasant and hard to explain to my math teacher 4th period, but I do not want to break the social customs of American school systems. There are no such events as dirty swirilies in Poland and I would prefer not to offend my new American school comrades by refusing to participate in their important daily customs.

I have tried writing to various pop stars, including the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus, for guidance, but all I received were autographed photos, lists of tour dates, and, in the case of Michael Jackson, directions to his wonderland ranch with a note attached saying I should give it to someone at an airport or a bus station. Although it seems that most American young people treat these pop stars as the ultimate authority, I have found their advice thus far a bit lacking. So, I am writing to You, Almighty God, as suggested in this informative brochure, based on the recommendation of my host parents who told me that you have all of life's answers. I hope they are right because I would very much like to know the answer to this difficult dilemma of the dirty swirilies.

In my searches of Wikipedia, Encyclopedia Britannica, and the Webster's dictionary, they have provided me with little advice on this custom of America's young people. You, God, are really my last chance. After You, I'm out of ideas or up the creek of poop as the young people here call it. I have even spoken some prayer and accepted Your eternal salvation based on the advice of my host parents. They even said that with your grace, I can find inner piece by turning my cheeks as I watch the feces whipping around my head while the toilet flushes. God, any information or extra cheeks that you can send my way would be accepted with open palms, but I'm beginning to worry about brain damage caused or infection that might be caused by these seemingly innocent customs.

Your friend from Poland,

Education School Class

1. When you fry balogna it tastes like a hot dog.
2. Eat Yogurt with a spoon only, Jerk.
3. Just because your conditioner smells like fruit doesn't mean it tastes that way.
4. No ice cubes in beer or milk. You should know this.
7. No high fructose corn syrup.
9. Loch Ness, Orang Pendak, Big Foot, and The Mongolian Sand Worm are all real. They laughed at Jules Verne.
10. Caffiene is a drug.
16. Open bar is pretty much the best thing.
17. Listening to 3 different songs at the same time while high with make your head explode.
18. Don't laugh. Head explosions aren't funny.
19. Once I tried astral projection. I woke up exactly an hour later with a splitting headache. Horsehit.
21. The only survivng member of the Frankenstien family at the end of the eponymous novel is Ernest Frankenstien.
22. Depending on the strength of your stove top, it takes about 8 minutes to hard boil an egg.
23. The f word appears 182 times in the movie Scarface. This is where Blink 182 got their name.