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Showing posts from January, 2009

Sandslash Anouncement

I have decided to drop out of high school, isolate myself in my room with sufficient supplies I.E. 10 cases of dick cream and avocado Doritos, and train for the first official pokelympics. I want to compete in the med-light category (lvls 40-50), and take gold the medal. I will only use a crack team of 6 lvl 99 sandslashes. The pokelympics take place in May, and this is more than ample time for the adverse side affects of pokemon playing to kick in: Japaneese puberty (where I start to think I'm a pokemon, most likely in this case a sandslash), gimp thumb sydrome, eye strain, internet addiction (by ostention porn addiction), and the most deadly: stinkfoot.
This is an atempt to try and ween myself off of my WoW addiction. My six day WoW sessions which were generally followed by many hours of weeping, masturbating, and sleeping, have begun to worry my family, though I see no problem with my lifestyle. I will continue to make blog posts but they will become more and more inco…

Quest For Glory II

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I'm going to take some time off from working on my man gum opus, tentatively called "Man Strutting With Log 2" to talk some about Quest For Glory II.

Quest For Glory II is a lot of peoples' favorite Quest For Glory game. Many say this because they like the text based game play since QGII was never officially made into a VGA version like every other QG. Just recently in 08, QGII was made into a VGA game by a 3rd party company since this is pretty much abandonware now. I feel that the new VGA version is superior. The newer version is so good looking and simpler to operate. I was a little upset that they carried over some of the same icons and item pictures from I and III instead of just making new pictures which would have made the game more flavorful and unique in my opinion. Anyway, with a few execptions, such as a more flexible sleeping system and easier to navigate streets (more on the fucking streets later), the original and the remake are pretty much the sam…

Thou Shall Eat Combo Meals

Far more people in America have seen a Taco Bell commercial like this one than have ever read the Bible or watched Mr. Rogers or heard one of Aesop's Fables or read a place mat. It's time that America accepts that it's commercials are main way that most Americans learn their moral lessons. This is wonderful because now hard working business owners, like those that work tirelessly to decide how to mix up the twelve different ingredients available at Taco Bell, can not only teach us important lessons but also profit off these lessons.

After watching countless fast food commercials to research this, here is a list of morals, or commandments if you will, that all modern Americans should live by:

1. If you have to choose between eating food that is unhealthy for you and saving a friend from danger, the food takes first priority.
2. At any given opportunity, you should try to steal unhealthy food from your friends.
3. Protect your unhealthy food from your friends at all costs. Frequ…

WTF?! They stole my idea!

Is that love in the air? No, it's grade D beef and refried beans. My chawawa seems to agree.

Words of Wisdom from the Children

"You never escape the presidency. It travels with you everywhere you go. And there's not a moment where you don't think about being President -- unless you're riding mountain bikes as hard as you possibly can, trying to forget for the moment."

Words from an Alabama fifth grader or the president of the United States? You decide.

Charity

Here's a short witticism that just came to me:
There once was a charity,
that for a five dollar donations,
would give out little bracelets,
It was America's most popular charity,
It was called the Killing Fund,
and the bracelets said apathy is fashionable!

Tommy Fesses up to the Nation

Hey I'd like to take this opportunity to fess up to the nation. I apologize if interacting with me does not lead you to witnessing either tits or explosions and I am taking steps to remedy this situation. I am reoutfitting my wardrobe with clothing courtesy of Strictly from Commercial and buffing up to increase my sex apeal. Please pay attention to me and claim to love me now. Thank You and God Bless America (which reminds me I haven't been to church since 1989, Hope my pastor's not pissed.) TEW out!

(this message is dedicated to the loving memory of Frank Zappa. Don't eat that yellow snow kids!)

Fire Emblem loves SATAN

I was ambling through the message board at Gamefaqs on Fire Emblem: the Sacred Stones and found this nice little rant by a user named jklkj or something. Before I show this guy's rant lemme start by saying this game has an E rating a pretty standard fantasy plot (you're fighting against an evil demon whose corrupted a nation.). It's a very light and addicting strategy game with a suprising amount of depth. Now here's this pysco's rant (he put it in a block form no paragraphs):

"To start, this game’s plot revolves around an evil entity, known as the Demon King (obviously a euphemism for SATAN), and the efforts by a group of followers to resurrect him. I don’t even know where to begin. To start, even IMPLYING that the DEVIL can be brought back to earth is ridiculous and will NOT BE TOLERATED. To make matters even more sacrilegious, one of the DK’s (I refuse to give him the power by using his real name) main followers is a BISHOP who uses LIGHT MAGIC. Fir…

Quest For Glory I

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Maybe it's because I'm listening to Fields of Gold on repeat but I'm feeling sentimental. What's the use in playing updated, visually stimulating, and still shitty games when you could be playing the Quest for Glory Series? (I-IV only. V can suck it. Don't make it IIID!!) '96's Quest for Glory IV was the last great game from the greatest game creators of all time. Sierra, also famous for King's Quest, was known for superb adventure game creation but what people too busy playing their Halo 5's don't remember is that Sierra was also one of the purveyors of the electronic RPG genre. No, not Sierra's '04 game "The Hobbit," but Sierra's '89 game: "Quest for Glory I."


So you want to be a hero?

Note: The above Screenshot is from the 92 VGA remake, the only one I've ever played which would piss off a lot of the purists who prefer the more text based version. Ok. I guess I am advocating for a flashier, newer ga…

The First Part of Frog's Journey to Fighting the Octopus with 7 Pairs of Scissors

I was in the market to buy a new dinette set for my family and you were reclining on one of the couches across the showroom. My youngest was the first to discover your large green head and guy-on-the-subway-holding-an-empty-suitcase smile. Little did I know you would follow us home that October evening, begging for me to use my hummer to protect you from that guy with the clippers, the creepy statues, and Marc.

Now at first, my wife was a little weary having you sleep in our basement, but how could I deny a frog who was down on his luck. I have always been one to offer my loins of my hard work for those who need a hand, because I know I have been there myself during that month and a half in college. However, after your behavior the past three nights, I must ask you to vacate my home within the next twenty-four hours for the protection of my family.

At first, we could brush off the constant phone calls from Marc demanding your return or he would make all the cheese in Cleveland evaporate…

Mecha Moses

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Mecha Moses commands you to obey the 10 mechanical commandments:
Always read the instruction booklet. It is your friend and contains many secrets.Goats are lovely and should be used in every stage of the food production process.Every Thursday at 4:00 PM you must do the Robot for 5 hours as a reminder of what your mechanical LORD did for you when you were stuck in Egypt that one time.When going wee with/next to someone, never ever under any circumstances cross the streams.You must honor your hard drive and your monitor with all your heart, or it will not go well with you at all.Always dress and decorate yourself and your devices in the steam-punk fashion. Everything is cooler when it looks like it was made in 1860.Covet your neighbor's iPhone and then go buy one (or more) for yourself.Techno is the heartbeat of God. Listen to it at least 3 times a day.Drive everywhere, even if you could easily walk or bike the same distance. For automobiles are the feet of God and by driving we…