Monday, January 26, 2009

Sandslash Anouncement

I have decided to drop out of high school, isolate myself in my room with sufficient supplies I.E. 10 cases of dick cream and avocado Doritos, and train for the first official pokelympics. I want to compete in the med-light category (lvls 40-50), and take gold the medal. I will only use a crack team of 6 lvl 99 sandslashes. The pokelympics take place in May, and this is more than ample time for the adverse side affects of pokemon playing to kick in: Japaneese puberty (where I start to think I'm a pokemon, most likely in this case a sandslash), gimp thumb sydrome, eye strain, internet addiction (by ostention porn addiction), and the most deadly: stinkfoot.
This is an atempt to try and ween myself off of my WoW addiction. My six day WoW sessions which were generally followed by many hours of weeping, masturbating, and sleeping, have begun to worry my family, though I see no problem with my lifestyle. I will continue to make blog posts but they will become more and more incoherant as I unlearn the English language, for the only characters I will be reading are the Pokemon menus. Maybe I'll uncover the secret evolution of Sandslash, but I will definately learn a valuable lesson about friendship. If I don't return or I'm too far gone at the end of the next four months, I ask you all find my secret bastard son and have him finish what I started. Hopefully I'll retain most of my sanity if I go into montage mood, which seriously cuts down the time, but requires me to listen an 80's exercise song while I film it. (should take about a week to put it together if im doing it right). So it's either 7 days of listening the finial countdown non-stop or a third of the year playing pokemon blue.

Quest For Glory II

I'm going to take some time off from working on my man gum opus, tentatively called "Man Strutting With Log 2" to talk some about Quest For Glory II.

Quest For Glory II is a lot of peoples' favorite Quest For Glory game. Many say this because they like the text based game play since QGII was never officially made into a VGA version like every other QG. Just recently in 08, QGII was made into a VGA game by a 3rd party company since this is pretty much abandonware now. I feel that the new VGA version is superior. The newer version is so good looking and simpler to operate. I was a little upset that they carried over some of the same icons and item pictures from I and III instead of just making new pictures which would have made the game more flavorful and unique in my opinion. Anyway, with a few execptions, such as a more flexible sleeping system and easier to navigate streets (more on the fucking streets later), the original and the remake are pretty much the same thing game wise. The blacksmith guy is still a dick and Shema still somehow floats in the air when she's dancing.

Blondie is even more blond and fashionable in QGII.

People like this one the best for many reason, I feel. First off is the flavor. A bustling Arabian desert city is a rather unusual setting for an RPG. Unlike in QGI, this city actually seems populated, with lots of vendors and people walking around in the street. The city feels large, as does the endless desert. The desert only has four locations to visit, which makes it more rewarding when you actually find one since the desert is litterally infinite. You have a dinosaur/horse to ride make things easier and faster in the desert but he is a pussy and is always running off. You also have to keep track of water while in the desert which adds another facet of realism to desert travel. Then there's the streets of the city.

Welcome to the living Hell that is the streets in the old QGII.

First off, travelling through the city is impossible in the original since the streets all look the same and all have really similar foreign sounding street names. You can't get the map without first navigating through the streets blindly to the moneychanger based on some vague directions some guy gives you in the beginning. Once you do get back to the first plaza to buy the map, you still have to find all the places before you can teleport on the map screen. There's never any indication where some of the smaller locations are so you pretty much have to walk around until you find them. The original box came with a paper map of the city but good luck finding that now. The streets are where the VGA version has been vastly improved. If you choose the option, it will block out all the random BS streets for your conveinience.

This game has a structure. Three days before the first major quest, the fire elemental. Three days to beat the elemental. Three more days to chill. This goes on for all four elements. There is plenty of down time. Some may get frustrated with this and just sleep the entire time but I find this to be one of the coolest aspects of the game. You get all this free time to explore and grind up your skills before, like clockwork, the next elemental comes by and you have to be a badass again. It's like a really laid back Baghdad without all the what have you. After saving the city four times, like clockwork you go to the sister city of Rasier and then shit starts to really go down and it's crunch time.

Finally, QGII is an equal oportunity employer in terms of classes. The thief doesn't have a guild in this one but the sexy moneychanger lady will buy yo shit. There are two thief areas to make some sweet moolla. For the magic user, there is an academy of wizards where you can visit and become one yourself. There is also a fighter specific area where you can join the guild. This is also the first one to deal with the fighter evolving into the paladin giving you the flaming sword. There are places to practice for all three classes. You can lock pick random doors in the street. You can go to the adventurer's guild and fight. You can play games with the magic salesman.

There are three ways to kill Ad Avis but somehow he keeps coming back in III and IV which is kind of lame.

In conclusion, for me QGII is probably second ranked of the four behind the first. It's the most chill and unique QG game.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Thou Shall Eat Combo Meals

Far more people in America have seen a Taco Bell commercial like this one than have ever read the Bible or watched Mr. Rogers or heard one of Aesop's Fables or read a place mat. It's time that America accepts that it's commercials are main way that most Americans learn their moral lessons. This is wonderful because now hard working business owners, like those that work tirelessly to decide how to mix up the twelve different ingredients available at Taco Bell, can not only teach us important lessons but also profit off these lessons.

After watching countless fast food commercials to research this, here is a list of morals, or commandments if you will, that all modern Americans should live by:

1. If you have to choose between eating food that is unhealthy for you and saving a friend from danger, the food takes first priority.
2. At any given opportunity, you should try to steal unhealthy food from your friends.
3. Protect your unhealthy food from your friends at all costs. Frequently announce that you are not sharing and that your friends need to buy their own unhealthy food.
4. Even though all you ever do is banter and sling insults at each other, you should never be separated from your posse of friends. Spending time with family is uncool.
5. Be attractive and skinny.
6. Have no interest in politics, religion, ideas, having career and life aspirations, or compassion for other people. Focus the vast majority of your time on the acquisition, protection, and consumption of unhealthy food.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

WTF?! They stole my idea!

Is that love in the air? No, it's grade D beef and refried beans. My chawawa seems to agree.

Words of Wisdom from the Children

"You never escape the presidency. It travels with you everywhere you go. And there's not a moment where you don't think about being President -- unless you're riding mountain bikes as hard as you possibly can, trying to forget for the moment."

Words from an Alabama fifth grader or the president of the United States? You decide.

Monday, January 12, 2009


Here's a short witticism that just came to me:
There once was a charity,
that for a five dollar donations,
would give out little bracelets,
It was America's most popular charity,
It was called the Killing Fund,
and the bracelets said apathy is fashionable!

Tommy Fesses up to the Nation

Hey I'd like to take this opportunity to fess up to the nation. I apologize if interacting with me does not lead you to witnessing either tits or explosions and I am taking steps to remedy this situation. I am reoutfitting my wardrobe with clothing courtesy of Strictly from Commercial and buffing up to increase my sex apeal. Please pay attention to me and claim to love me now. Thank You and God Bless America (which reminds me I haven't been to church since 1989, Hope my pastor's not pissed.) TEW out!

(this message is dedicated to the loving memory of Frank Zappa. Don't eat that yellow snow kids!)

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Fire Emblem loves SATAN

I was ambling through the message board at Gamefaqs on Fire Emblem: the Sacred Stones and found this nice little rant by a user named jklkj or something. Before I show this guy's rant lemme start by saying this game has an E rating a pretty standard fantasy plot (you're fighting against an evil demon whose corrupted a nation.). It's a very light and addicting strategy game with a suprising amount of depth. Now here's this pysco's rant (he put it in a block form no paragraphs):

"To start, this game’s plot revolves around an evil entity, known as the Demon King (obviously a euphemism for SATAN), and the efforts by a group of followers to resurrect him. I don’t even know where to begin. To start, even IMPLYING that the DEVIL can be brought back to earth is ridiculous and will NOT BE TOLERATED. To make matters even more sacrilegious, one of the DK’s (I refuse to give him the power by using his real name) main followers is a BISHOP who uses LIGHT MAGIC. First of all, outright stating that a BISHOP, a devout follower of God could betray Him is HERESY, plain and simple! This is an obvious attempt by the foul game developers to try to CORRUPT people into thinking that the Church is an evil entity. I saw through that one! Also, the use magic of any kind is forbidden by our Lord, and insinuating that there is such a thing as LIGHT MAGIC is just hogwash. Getting back to my original point, this DK POSSESSES one of the characters in the book, and he is unable to be exorcised. All true believers should know that DEMONS can always be EXORCISED, and that the developers are once again trying to DESTROY the power of the Church. This is UNACCEPTABLE and will NOT BE TOLERATED! Another one of this foul game’s many moral low points is that two playable characters and countless other characters can STEAL things from other, unsuspecting, innocent civilians. This is a direct violation of the 7th Commandment, and anyone who wishes to escape an ETERNITY IN HELL should reflect on this “skill” and the poor values the creators who made this game have. The females in this game wear horrible clothing that accentuates their sexuality, so any true believer in God should cover their eyes or look away when one of these scantily clad women appears on the screen. There is absolutely no reason for these women to wear such revealing clothing. The creators of this game are trying to POISON the minds of our children by exposing them to such provocative images. To make matters even worse, this game also contains sexually implicit scenes. That’s right, this game contains implied pre-marital SEX! The work of the DEVIL himself. It is unbelievable that any game company would put such TRASH in a video game! At one point, one of the female characters is the victim of a sexual predator, a male who bares his shoulder to her. Who KNOWS what else he meant to show her as well? This is sick, disgusting, appalling, and disgusting. If you happen to come across this scene, I suggest skip it as quickly as possible so that your soul isn’t corrupted FOR ALL OF ETERNITY. I also suggest that you not think anymore about that topic, unless you want your soul to be TORTURED forever. I genuflected and said the rosary three times after writing that, just to cleanse my soul from this work of SATAN. That’s how horrible it is. Like my topic says, this game is morally outrageous, and I recommend that you seriously think and pray before buying it for yourself, or God forbid, your children."

See after beating (well first I illegally downloaded so that was strike one) this game I started noticing strange things happening to me. My sheep started dying, my plants started wilting, and I noticed my wife started looking much more ugly. I think God is trying to tell me something. I've been having dreams where Jesus sits there and shakes his finger at me while a Reinlief (an enchanted spear) against Grado's demon legions. Maybe I'm not supposed to fight evil and just totally ignore it. I guess I give Satan strength by acknowledging it. Maybe I ought to cut back on the puddingsciles before bed, I just don't know...

Quest For Glory I

Maybe it's because I'm listening to Fields of Gold on repeat but I'm feeling sentimental. What's the use in playing updated, visually stimulating, and still shitty games when you could be playing the Quest for Glory Series? (I-IV only. V can suck it. Don't make it IIID!!) '96's Quest for Glory IV was the last great game from the greatest game creators of all time. Sierra, also famous for King's Quest, was known for superb adventure game creation but what people too busy playing their Halo 5's don't remember is that Sierra was also one of the purveyors of the electronic RPG genre. No, not Sierra's '04 game "The Hobbit," but Sierra's '89 game: "Quest for Glory I."

So you want to be a hero?

Note: The above Screenshot is from the 92 VGA remake, the only one I've ever played which would piss off a lot of the purists who prefer the more text based version. Ok. I guess I am advocating for a flashier, newer game in this case but c'mon. 1992. Old stuff.

Quest for Glory is the only game series I know of that integrates adventure and RPG elements like it does. QGI set all of this in motion with the first defining quest: retrieving a ring out of a bird's nest in a tree. Why would you do this? Because you're a fucking hero, of course. How would you do this? Well, there are 3 defining choices. One for each of the classes.

Fighter, Magic User, and Thief are the classes, pretty much your archetypal fantasy heroes. Who really needs druids or bards? KISS The fighter is by far the lamest char. He throws rocks at the tree. He spends life slaughtering little goblins and vampire bunnies. The Magic User is pretty interesting. He shoots the fetch spell into the tree. QG has a number of unconventional magic spells like "fetch" and "open." (which never seems to work as much as it should.) The thief is my boy. He takes matters into his own hands and just climbs the tree. Save for QGIII, there are a number of thief specific areas and items.

QGI is truly the thief's main game. You can break into Grandma's house and steal the change out of her couch cushions. You can break into the sheriff's house and bust open his safe. Then there is the thieve's guild where you sell all yo shit. In QGI, the theif gets 3 thief specific areas and the lock pick tools. The fighter can only kill. The mage can only cast spells. The thief can climb in and out of time at night, can sneak past enemies, can steal yo shit, and go Super Sayan at will.

In what other game can you pick flowers and eat fruit?

The setting is pretty classic sort of germanic fairy tale place with lots of giants, fairies, and trolls, though QG always mixes it up a little. Take the centaurs and Abdulla Doo with his flying carpet (more on him later.) The locale is a valley surrounded by snowy mountains. The road out of the valley has been cut off by snow, so you're pretty much stuck in the valley, which is very different from your Fallout 3s or your Oblivions. It's a very compact, orderly, little space. The town only has 4 outdoor screens and 15 inhabitants. (I've counted.)

Here's you, as some blond guy, falling out of a tree outside of the healers house. Other than Guybrush Threepwood, name a blond protagonist.

One criticism of QGI and all of QGI-IV is that it's kind of a "step and fetch it." It is weird how in all the QG games there's some healer character that makes you their bitch. In QG1 you are constantly picking flowers to make 5 silvers from the healer. I enjoy this aspect of the game however. It's like having the mythical, fun job that you actually enjoy. I tell you what. Who doesn't want to pick flowers and walk around in the woods all day?

In relation to the other 3, especially IV, QGI is the most innocent and unassuming. That's it's charm. It's not too heavy but still engrossing and totally badass. I played this back around 92 or so when the VGA version came out and have probably beaten it atleast 10 times since. It's like your favorite song or movie that you listen to over and over. I have this game memorized. I know the map by heart and I never have to check an FAQ to beat it. It's truly one form escapism when you're so familiar with your environment and the people in it that you know everything around.


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The First Part of Frog's Journey to Fighting the Octopus with 7 Pairs of Scissors

I was in the market to buy a new dinette set for my family and you were reclining on one of the couches across the showroom. My youngest was the first to discover your large green head and guy-on-the-subway-holding-an-empty-suitcase smile. Little did I know you would follow us home that October evening, begging for me to use my hummer to protect you from that guy with the clippers, the creepy statues, and Marc.

Now at first, my wife was a little weary having you sleep in our basement, but how could I deny a frog who was down on his luck. I have always been one to offer my loins of my hard work for those who need a hand, because I know I have been there myself during that month and a half in college. However, after your behavior the past three nights, I must ask you to vacate my home within the next twenty-four hours for the protection of my family.

At first, we could brush off the constant phone calls from Marc demanding your return or he would make all the cheese in Cleveland evaporate but after the 6th call in 2 hours, Marc's voice began to hypnotize my wife and she has been convinced that she is a Sandslash ever since. She is clawing through the floorboards of our closet as I write this letter. Then, you peed in my son's apple juice and held his head underwater in the bathtub until he drank it. He used to be a champion swimmer for his school's team, but now he won't even drink water.

Then you began stealing furniture from Marc and storing it in our basement while you posted it on Ebay, even though I told you specifically that selling stolen goods on Ebay was against their terms and services agreement. And last night when you revealed yourself to my oldest daughter and then ran around the house proposing marriage to her, well it I could have probably dealt with that if it wasn't for the fact that she agreed to marry you!

Mister Frog, you have left me with a mentally unstable family and strange stains all over the living room, I will be happy to let you borrow the phone book to find appropriate hotel accommodations until you can get back on your webbed feet, but you are no longer welcome in my household. May I never smell your fly-breath again, especially not on a hockey rink.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Mecha Moses

Mecha Moses commands you to obey the 10 mechanical commandments:
  1. Always read the instruction booklet. It is your friend and contains many secrets.
  2. Goats are lovely and should be used in every stage of the food production process.
  3. Every Thursday at 4:00 PM you must do the Robot for 5 hours as a reminder of what your mechanical LORD did for you when you were stuck in Egypt that one time.
  4. When going wee with/next to someone, never ever under any circumstances cross the streams.
  5. You must honor your hard drive and your monitor with all your heart, or it will not go well with you at all.
  6. Always dress and decorate yourself and your devices in the steam-punk fashion. Everything is cooler when it looks like it was made in 1860.
  7. Covet your neighbor's iPhone and then go buy one (or more) for yourself.
  8. Techno is the heartbeat of God. Listen to it at least 3 times a day.
  9. Drive everywhere, even if you could easily walk or bike the same distance. For automobiles are the feet of God and by driving we are communing with him. Remember his words: "Take this gasoline for it is my blood. And take this stick shift for it is my body."
  10. We believe in one God, google, father and creator of all and in the son, wikipedia, our Lord who died for our sins. We believe in the Holy Ghost, youtube, who fills us with the power of God. With liberty and eBay for all.