Sunday, February 21, 2010
How to Plan A Picnic
The number one question people ask me in elevators is, "why is your mustache on fire?" or "how are you going to get all those Muppets passed airport security?" However, on escalators, it's "how can I plan an amazing picnic?" Here are my tips ordered by the amount of butter required.
1. If you see a line of ants approaching your blanket and singing gleefully, do not pee on them. They will try to carry away your picnic baskets or watermelons and urine is like a cocktail of cocaine, steroids, and Gatorade to them. Instead, set up a number of decoy picnics around the park with plastic watermelons. The ants will never know the difference! If the ants are giant or speaking French, run away.
2. If the security guard won't let you into the park without a pass, offer him with a tasty snack. Peanuts, popcorn, candy bars or pizza will all distract that lard ass into the euphoric pleasure of a tiny moment of the broken monotony from a long day of standing in the hot sun for just long enough for you to slip passed unnoticed.
3. Dental floss can serve as a makeshift tripwire if terrorists attack your picnic.
4. The best grassy spots in high profile parks are very competitive. Mark your territory with your feces all around your blanket and people will not disturb you.
5. Most importantly, nature will kill you if you fuck with it. Hurricanes, floods, bear attacks, earthquakes, and photosynthesis kill thousands of foolhardy, sex-obsessed teenagers every year.