Wednesday, April 30, 2014

How to Find a Monkey's Secret Watering Hole

I was cleaning out my desk the other day when I found a Spring 2004 copy of Apogee, the literary journal of High Point University.  On page 92, buried beneath a bunch of college poetry and short stories is my how-to on finding water in the desert.  As I recall this and the Bobber Story are the two things I turned in for creative writing assignments throughout high school and college English.  I think its based on one of those wildlife programs you see on Discovery or Nat Geo, so this is actually kind of legit.  Anyway I thought I'd type it up and share it because its weirdly awesome!

How to Find a Monkey's Secret Watering Hole

Ever been lost in the wilderness without any water?  Then pay close attention.  This may save your life.
First you must find a monkey, which pretty much goes without saying.
If no monkey is in sight, look in places where monkeys like to hang out, such as up in trees.  To gain it's trust, offer it something like a banana, but any food item will do, maybe a burrito or some Chef Boyardee.
If no food is available, try to be one with the monkey.  Swallow your pride, get on all fours, and speak to him; show that you understand him as much as he understands you.  These steps should easily make the monkey warm up to you.  That's when you grab him.  Don't abuse the monkey's new found trust, though.  Be gentle.  Be smooth, suave and sophisticated.
As you as you have the monkey in your arms, tie him to the nearest tree where he can relax.  Again, be firm, but not rough.  If he gets sassy, tell him you need his help.  Give your primate pal a bit to eat.  Offer a monkey's favorite treat, a salt rock.  He will find it irresistible, and will munch it all, regardless of how hungry he is.  Make sure to give him the largest salt rock you have-you want to make him very thirsty.  He must eat all the rock before you untie him.  He must be parched and ready for a big drink!
By the time the monkey has consumed the rock, you will both no doubt be eager to pay a visit to his secret watering hole.  Don't make the little guy suffer any more than necessary.  Untie him, but be ready to run because, take it from me, once he is free, he will go straight for his watering hole traveling at full speed.
Being a monkey, he will surely have a secret cave or secluded spring which he frequents, the kind of cave or spring that only Boy Scouts or Navy Seals would have the survival skills to find on their own.
When you arrive at the water source, don't be too hasty to drink.  While its understandable that you may have run miles to get there, you mustn't get in the  monkey's way when he's drinking.  After all, it is the monkey's secret watering hole.  Be courteous and wait your turn.  When the monkey is finished, its your turn.
Drink deep from the refreshing spring.


  1. I'm getting stuck on the getting down on all fours part. Every time I do that, a neighborhood dog named Sparky comes by and tries to hump me. I tell him to stop and that I'm trying to find a secret watering hole and that I would even be willing to share some of the secret water, but he won't listen. I'm sooo thirsty. What do I do?

  2. Easy. Mash B-B-A-Up-Down-C-Up-Down-C-DDDD on your control pad. That will give you the raccoon suit which allows you the power climb trees. When you get up the tree, throw the plastic Jesus at the dog and start screeching. "EEEEEE!"

    Problem solved.