Friday, September 4, 2009

A Letter To Jesus

Dear Jesus,

I have recently read your bestselling book titled "The Bible." I have to say, I'm quite impressed with the character development of the fellow you have named after yourself in the new testament. I was a little bored with the old testament since it told me not to eat pork and well, I love bacon and you cannot take that away from me. Anyway, although overall your book was an immersible and thoughtful read, I'm writing to express my anger with your views on Spiderman II.

Jesus, how dare you compare yourself to Spiderman!! Spiderman is a superhero after all, you of all people should know this or are you illiterate and unable to read comic books? You might think that Spiderman II was just a movie comparable to your mundane life, but you're wrong. I masturbate to Spiderman every night. It made more money that you will ever have in 20 lifetimes as a carpenter. Just because you saved humanity from sin doesn't mean shit without money. In summary, Spiderman could beat you up in a fight even when you are walking on water with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus on your side.

Don't forget to wipe,


  1. Wow, this might be the most offensive thing I have ever written.

  2. Offensive but funny, although I have to disagree about character development in the Bible. Biblical characters develop about as much as a character in a Michael Bay film.

    Are you saying that Spiderman is bigger than Jesus? And I'm talking about penis size here.

  3. Dear Jesus,

    When I read the Bible you give me wood. Where do we go from here?

    Crapfully yours,

  4. I respectfully disagree about character development in the Bible. For example, when Noah is building the arc and then his house falls on top of satan after the twister in Kansas and he has to go down the yellow brick road to get the pair of flying monkeys for breeding purposes on his boat, it show is inner complexity and developed moral reasoning. Furthermore, watching his father get stampeded by wildebeasts and then going to live in the jungle and sing songs with the pig shows that he was a sensitive guy with needs. And at the when he scores the winning basket at the end of the big game to stop the aliens from enslaving Michael Jordan, it shows how far he has come since his humble beginnings as a petting zoo janitor.
    At any rate, Spiderman has 8 penises all of which are bigger than Jesus's penis.

  5. I think I've been reading a different Bible than you and apparently the boring version. Where can I pick up a copy of yours, it sounds much more interesting.

    Oh, so Spiderman is like Spider from the Mighty Boosh?