Monday, January 12, 2009

Tommy Fesses up to the Nation

Hey I'd like to take this opportunity to fess up to the nation. I apologize if interacting with me does not lead you to witnessing either tits or explosions and I am taking steps to remedy this situation. I am reoutfitting my wardrobe with clothing courtesy of Strictly from Commercial and buffing up to increase my sex apeal. Please pay attention to me and claim to love me now. Thank You and God Bless America (which reminds me I haven't been to church since 1989, Hope my pastor's not pissed.) TEW out!

(this message is dedicated to the loving memory of Frank Zappa. Don't eat that yellow snow kids!)


  1. I think boob jobs are pretty expensive nowadays and no matter much surgery you get you'll never look like sara palin. As for explosions, portapotties were made for dynamite. Also, I am you're pastor and yes, I am pissed. Also, Frank Zappa died of typhoid a few years after discovering America, so your sentiment is nice but it's a little late. Also, I will not claim to love you because my heart has been stolen by Mandy Moore, who has gigantic boobs unlike you. Also, I am from the future.

  2. I'm sorry that interacting with you doesn't lead to tits and explosions too. Those are definitely my two favorite things, and if you combine them....exploding tits. It doesn't get any better than that. Now, excuse me while I go play with my boobie grenade.

  3. You've got modern sex appeal all wrong. Sex appeal isn't about buffing up, it's about loving yourself. Here are some tips:
    1. Give yourself a big hug in public
    2. Discuss how attractive you looking naked at dinner parties
    3. A just the right moment, slip away into the darkness, kind of like the tooth fairy.