Saturday, January 10, 2009

Fire Emblem loves SATAN

I was ambling through the message board at Gamefaqs on Fire Emblem: the Sacred Stones and found this nice little rant by a user named jklkj or something. Before I show this guy's rant lemme start by saying this game has an E rating a pretty standard fantasy plot (you're fighting against an evil demon whose corrupted a nation.). It's a very light and addicting strategy game with a suprising amount of depth. Now here's this pysco's rant (he put it in a block form no paragraphs):

"To start, this game’s plot revolves around an evil entity, known as the Demon King (obviously a euphemism for SATAN), and the efforts by a group of followers to resurrect him. I don’t even know where to begin. To start, even IMPLYING that the DEVIL can be brought back to earth is ridiculous and will NOT BE TOLERATED. To make matters even more sacrilegious, one of the DK’s (I refuse to give him the power by using his real name) main followers is a BISHOP who uses LIGHT MAGIC. First of all, outright stating that a BISHOP, a devout follower of God could betray Him is HERESY, plain and simple! This is an obvious attempt by the foul game developers to try to CORRUPT people into thinking that the Church is an evil entity. I saw through that one! Also, the use magic of any kind is forbidden by our Lord, and insinuating that there is such a thing as LIGHT MAGIC is just hogwash. Getting back to my original point, this DK POSSESSES one of the characters in the book, and he is unable to be exorcised. All true believers should know that DEMONS can always be EXORCISED, and that the developers are once again trying to DESTROY the power of the Church. This is UNACCEPTABLE and will NOT BE TOLERATED! Another one of this foul game’s many moral low points is that two playable characters and countless other characters can STEAL things from other, unsuspecting, innocent civilians. This is a direct violation of the 7th Commandment, and anyone who wishes to escape an ETERNITY IN HELL should reflect on this “skill” and the poor values the creators who made this game have. The females in this game wear horrible clothing that accentuates their sexuality, so any true believer in God should cover their eyes or look away when one of these scantily clad women appears on the screen. There is absolutely no reason for these women to wear such revealing clothing. The creators of this game are trying to POISON the minds of our children by exposing them to such provocative images. To make matters even worse, this game also contains sexually implicit scenes. That’s right, this game contains implied pre-marital SEX! The work of the DEVIL himself. It is unbelievable that any game company would put such TRASH in a video game! At one point, one of the female characters is the victim of a sexual predator, a male who bares his shoulder to her. Who KNOWS what else he meant to show her as well? This is sick, disgusting, appalling, and disgusting. If you happen to come across this scene, I suggest skip it as quickly as possible so that your soul isn’t corrupted FOR ALL OF ETERNITY. I also suggest that you not think anymore about that topic, unless you want your soul to be TORTURED forever. I genuflected and said the rosary three times after writing that, just to cleanse my soul from this work of SATAN. That’s how horrible it is. Like my topic says, this game is morally outrageous, and I recommend that you seriously think and pray before buying it for yourself, or God forbid, your children."

See after beating (well first I illegally downloaded so that was strike one) this game I started noticing strange things happening to me. My sheep started dying, my plants started wilting, and I noticed my wife started looking much more ugly. I think God is trying to tell me something. I've been having dreams where Jesus sits there and shakes his finger at me while a Reinlief (an enchanted spear) against Grado's demon legions. Maybe I'm not supposed to fight evil and just totally ignore it. I guess I give Satan strength by acknowledging it. Maybe I ought to cut back on the puddingsciles before bed, I just don't know...


  1. "Getting back to my original point, this DK POSSESSES one of the characters in the book, and he is unable to be exorcised."
    The book? wha? How does this guy know what's in the Fire Emblem book unless he read it?! This is sick, disgusting, appalling, and disgusting. His soul is going to be corrupted FOR ALL ETERNITY! I think this is actually the pope in disguise. The Pope Mobile broke down and all he had to do was play Fire Emblem on his Game Boy and he sucks at it so he's taking it out on unsuspecting message board readers.

  2. Yeah, I agree, this has to be the Pope because I know from that one Pokemon tournament I entered that he sucks at gameboy. He had a level 38 PIDGEY that he hadn't even bothered to evolve. My level 21 Geodude made quick work of his entire team! Lolz! And then the Pope spouted that I was possessed by SATAN and excommunicated me to a small Norwegian island with no other human inhabitants. I'm getting tired of eating wild BOAR and drinking my own piss. If anyone is reading this out there, please come rescue me.

  3. I'll rescue you if you give me some of that delicious wild BOAR meat. Mmmm. Just like mama used to make.

    PS-Satan sucks at fire emblem.