Saturday, January 17, 2009

Thou Shall Eat Combo Meals

Far more people in America have seen a Taco Bell commercial like this one than have ever read the Bible or watched Mr. Rogers or heard one of Aesop's Fables or read a place mat. It's time that America accepts that it's commercials are main way that most Americans learn their moral lessons. This is wonderful because now hard working business owners, like those that work tirelessly to decide how to mix up the twelve different ingredients available at Taco Bell, can not only teach us important lessons but also profit off these lessons.

After watching countless fast food commercials to research this, here is a list of morals, or commandments if you will, that all modern Americans should live by:

1. If you have to choose between eating food that is unhealthy for you and saving a friend from danger, the food takes first priority.
2. At any given opportunity, you should try to steal unhealthy food from your friends.
3. Protect your unhealthy food from your friends at all costs. Frequently announce that you are not sharing and that your friends need to buy their own unhealthy food.
4. Even though all you ever do is banter and sling insults at each other, you should never be separated from your posse of friends. Spending time with family is uncool.
5. Be attractive and skinny.
6. Have no interest in politics, religion, ideas, having career and life aspirations, or compassion for other people. Focus the vast majority of your time on the acquisition, protection, and consumption of unhealthy food.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Commercials like these are where the average person starts to decline into the world of zombie fatdom. By following these commandments, people will become less attractive and skinny and slowly become the opposite of the super race. The obese, slow, race that consumes mass quantities and then dies of a heart attack before having to collect their social security check. This also kills off the pesky impoverished and illegal alien who can only afford to eat Taco Bell. The movie Logan's Run comes to mind: "It depicts a dystopian future society in which population and the consumption of resources are managed and maintained in equilibrium by the simple expediency of killing everyone who reaches the age of thirty, thus avoiding the issue of overpopulation."