This is how I feel this week

I've got a lot going on this week, it's crunch time for me so I thought I'd share how I feel with you...in a visual medium.

My Top Ten Favorite Magic Cards #10

Alright, Christmas is just around the corner and you know what that means: time for Tommy to run around in a bunny suit throw mayonnaise at ducks. Well that and another top ten list.

This time I am covering my top ten favorite magic cards. Most of these cards are the ones I both enjoy play with the most and have the fondest memories of. These are the cards I dream about topdecking at night, the cards that bring back gushy marshmallow nostalgia of nights in the attic drinking beer and playing multiplayer. You might even be able to guess some of the cards on the list.  So, without further poopoo:

It can't be bolted. It can't be terrored. Sure, it can be STPed, but who would waste an STP on Yotian Solider? It blocks anything smaller than an ernham djinn all day, while still getting in for one damage a turn. He's an awesome defensive early drop for multiplayer, because on no color requirements, the four toughness and the fact that it can still ping someone for one. Yotian has aged a little with the printing of more efficient three-drops like kitchen finks or dauntless escort, but I never forget the feeling of dropping a Yotian in a multiplayer game and know, at least for a few turns, that my life total was safe.

While, unfortunately, there are a few cards which we have more of than Yotian Soldier, the count is still well above 30 and ever growing (keep your fingers crossed that it will be reprinted in Scars block). So, here is to everyone who sheds a little tear when they look at the art for pit trap! Yotian Solider, you can be my point guard/dental hygenist any day!

How to Form a Semi-Sucessful Metal Band

1) Have a name that either invokes grotesque imagery or shows how little you give a fuck.

2) Have a band member do a lot of cocaine (applicable to most any 80's band).

3) Sing about epic topics such as dragon slaying, murder, dead gods, or war.

4) Sue Napster.

5) Do charity work, which is cool, but still kinda breaks the whole "we don't give a fuck," image.

6) Gain a reputation as hypersensitive assholes.

How to form a semi successful Post Rock band

1. Have a sentence for a band name. Extra points if it's about ghosts and or flying. EG, "This ghost hamburger can fly."

2. Release an album with only two 35 minute songs.

3. Have thought provoking song and album names. EG, "Little lumberjacks in a world full of trees."

4. Be either Icelandic or Texan.

5. Record your album in a shack in The Middle Of Nowhere.

6. In interviews, talk about swells, harmony, and crescendos like a pretentious dick.

7. Make sure your songs make the listener drowsy and then suddenly wake him or her up.

8. Don't have a bassist. Have a harpist.

Thank you very much.

Introducing Apache Chief's First Album: A Rock Opera

The year is 1267 and an advanced alien race has declared war on humanity to deplete the earth of its natural resources and leave it like a waded burger king bag on the side of the road. The aliens main weaponry consists of a mass distraction device called the serotonin thunderdome, a massive screen displaying images and playing sounds that stimulate the pleasure centers in the human brain, making all humans unwilling to do anything but sit and stare at the screen while they die of starvation. American Indians and Europeans, who are unaware of one another’s existence, all sit side by side in arm chairs, trapped in their own ecstasy inside the alien spaceships hovering around earth (Leaf Erikson was a myth made up by the sasquatch community). For some reason on the aboriginal Australians are the only ones immune to the serotonin thunderdome and therefore must fight the intelligent, but physically weak alien race on their own, until . . .

The Singing Postman arrives in his time machine possessing advanced human technology from the year 1974.Will the aliens be mesmerized by his amazing songs about world peace and express mail? Will the Singing Postman fall in love with the daughter of the leader of the alien race because the corporations backing the multi-million dollar movie production demanded the movie become more accessible?  Who will deliver Martha Filburn’s homemade cookies to her grandson at 305 Grandwood Lane while the Singing Postman is living in the past.

The course of human history changes this summer 2011.

Wedding Gift

You all probably know that I got married yesterday (woah, it's almost like I'm a grown-up or something). Everything went really well and I was pleased with the ceremony, the judge, etc. And if you want to see me looking a bit goofy in formal wear, I'm sure Veronica will be putting photos up on facebook eventually. EDIT: And here they are. If you don't have facebook, check them out here on Flickr. However, the point of this post is to share a gift I got from Veronica on our wedding day:

I thought this was a really cool gift! Maybe I'm biased, but I think she did a fantastic job with the art and formatting. Plus, I get delicious food and back rubs. It definitely reminded me of some of the classic homemade cards I've seen over the years (some featuring myself). I'm thinking of putting this in my equipment deck. Additionally, you might not be able to tell from the photo above, but she used glossy paper, so it has a foil look to it. Hopefully, this picture captures it better:

I should be home on the 14th or 15th of Dec. I'm looking forward to the post-marriage, post-wedding bachelor party.

PokeGrammar: Sandslash

I've decided to start a new series based around my time in the Japanese jungle. I live amongst the Pokemon as a weedle for several months. They accepted me as one of their own. I believe I have decoded some of the basics of Pokemon language. Enjoy the fruits of my labor:

SANDSLASH: why hello there kind sir/madaam. Fine morrow we are having.

Slash Sandslash: typically signifies the subjunctive or jussive use in a sentence of clause

SAAAAAAND Slash: A past participle, usually only used in vulgar modicums

slash slash: I fucked your mom

Slaaaaash sandslash slash slash slash slash slash: Sandslash has gone berserk and is slaughtering you or one of your loved ones, or he is asking the time. It depends on the context.

Slash slash slash slash slash sandslash sandslash: Sandslash is relying a diatribe on the struggle of modern man amidst a world decked in magpie friendly culture. He is contemplating the assertions set forth by modern philosophers and religions and begging the question as to whether society has culturally really made any progress in terms of human rights and the natural laws inherent to humanity. Or Sandslash is taking a massive shit.

Slash: Sandslash is doing a slash attack.

I Don't Want to Live in The Real World

It's strange to me how there are a ton of niche markets for video and computer games from interactive fiction to roguelike rpgs to baseball stat sims to modern adventure games that are expanding gradually. However, it feels like many of the mainstream game making companies are making the same game over and over again with slight tweaks. I think many gamers are thirsty for innovation and diversification, yet the gaming companies are too afraid to stray far from the norm because they are afraid it will hurt their bottom line. Gamers are more sophisticated that the companies are currently giving them credit for and this great article provides an example of one game that has bucked the system (at least graphically) and succeeded on a fairly large scale.

Call out

Dear Mr. Highway Melon/Inspector Gadget/FishWish4Bubblez/Goat596/Frog/MoonMilkPaladin79/LouisLouisForPresident/HighwaymeloN/Biblofroghermit/Terrorist A.K.A. Joey Waalkes,

Stop changing your name. It makes the homosexual, hippie, vegan, Mexican, minority, communist, socialist, democrat, Muslim, unwashed, Black terrorists win.

Sincerely,
Sir Thomas Edward Cicero "Blufflo Wings" Waaflus Waalkes II Jr.

Ps. Billy shut the fuck up.

Moon Computing

This is an actual event, reconstructed professionally from eyewitness accounts using police technology and Photoshop. Please enjoy the truth for yourselves:
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7296565/

Plans for the Big Bachelor Party

Joey and I have been hard at work planning the big bachelor party. Here are our plans for far:

1. Danny will pop out of a giant cake wearing nothing but a fanny pack.
2. We will travel deep into the suburban woods, where there will be a porn star pong tournament.
3. We will climb on top of a water tour and Justin will ride down on a unicorn.
4 .Chris will go on a three day drinking binge where he will say, "turn up the zeppelin" and pass out at least 4 times.
5. We will go put-put golfing.
6. We will gamble away Justin's family fortune in Vegas causing Justin to entering into a dramatic balloon race across the world to raise money to pay off his student loans.
7. Matt will bluff at magic.
8. Mayank will solve a complicated math problem for you on a chalk board.
9. Alex will be there (kidnapped in pajamas if necessary).
10. Martin will set the neighbors house on fire in a tragic juggling accident on the roof of our house.
11. Joey and Chris will finally have a nut boxing rematch. It will be televised on Nick Jr.
12. Everyone will puke on the floor at our house, so that Justin doesn't feel bad.
13. Tommy will show a slide show of his time studying abroad in Canada while we shoot spitballs at each other.
14. All of my relatives will be there with the expectation that Justin will once and for all have a verdict about the existence of God. Brewster, however, will not stop dancing like a fag.
15. Two words: Monkey Strippers!

Violence in Video games

Since violent video games were responsible for Columbine and 9/11, our culture has rightfully persecuted them with the spiteful vigor they deserve. Seriously, I know while some of you enjoy scalping screaming, innocent civilians in video games, but I do believe that too many video games use of violence is lazy, sensationalist, and devoid of a discussion of the way violence functions in our society. Too many video games copy the way violence has been used in other games without regard to the way it effects human life to the point where a game that does not use killing, such as Pokemon, seem refreshing. Violence can be an incredible way of bring tension and drama to a story when it is portrayed with the gravity or satire it deserves (I'm thinking Shakespeare).
This article I believe hits the nail right on the head and is required reading for all of you. Please turn in a one page response paper to me by next Monday.