Thursday, November 12, 2009

I shall call you...the Baconator

Greetings friends and enemy (glare)! I've been lamenting the loss of my car since moving to Seattle. I need a mode of transportation that is both portable (i.e. I don't need to rent garage/parking spaces for it) and cheap (no gas hogs [pun intended]). I looked at mopeds, bikes, tricycles, segways, and piggy-back rides from strangers [more intentional puns]. But nothing fit my needs, that is, until I discovered the Baconator out back behind an Asian bistro.

It was love at first sight. It runs on 14 delicious pigs. They both power the car and provide delightful entertainment. Captain Piggles is especially eloquent and well informed on current events. We have had many enlightening discussions on philosophy, religion, politics, and whether Jesus rode dinosaurs (see answer below). Who needs satellite radio when you have intellect of Captain Piggles and the beautiful voices of MC Hammore and Pjork to tickle your ears. I picked up this beauty for the low cost of 15 cats, which I collected from my neighbors without their consent. I know they are going to a better place. The advantages of the Baconator are many: A) If I'm ever stranded and hungry I can cook one of the delicious pigs on the engine to survive; B) It is totally green, in the sense that the only pollutants emitted by my vehicle are green pig poop; C) Everyone gives me space on the road because they are afraid they will get swine flu from the Baconator; D) If attacked by an overweight, overall-wearing Italian plumber & friends you can fling bacon at them from your skillet.

And that's how I spent my summer vacation, by Alexander Ishmael Wojohoski.



  1. Damn, I just spent like 10 minutes racking my brain for a pig related comment but you already took them all. Bravo. I have so many questions about this vehicle. I'm curious to see how fast it actually can move. Like could you take it on I-95 during rush hour without losing a pig? How do you gas up if you've lost a pig? Where exactly do pigs go when they die? And most importantly , is this vehicle Kosher?

  2. Also... Hay Zues... Dinosaurus... Wha?

  3. You (and I) missed the great opportunity for a HAMtaro reference. Come on, Tizzle where are you? As for your questions:
    1. It has 14 pigpower, which means I can get up to 75 mph. Yes you can take it on the highway without losing a pig, they are all safely in their cages. No prob.
    2. If you loose a pig, then you drive by a pig farm and make a "deposit." Or theft as the police are likely to view it.
    3. When the pigs die they go into my frying pan. Yummy, yummy bacon.
    4. As long as you don't eat the pigs, it's Kosher. Obviously, I don't use it in a Kosher way because bacon is just too delicious.
    5. As for Hay Zeus, you'll have to ask Captain Piggles about that one.

  4. Want to get deals on Jordan Nike Airs? What about a hot deal on a snuggie?