Greetings friends and enemy (glare)! I've been lamenting the loss of my car since moving to Seattle. I need a mode of transportation that is both portable (i.e. I don't need to rent garage/parking spaces for it) and cheap (no gas hogs [pun intended]). I looked at mopeds, bikes, tricycles, segways, and piggy-back rides from strangers [more intentional puns]. But nothing fit my needs, that is, until I discovered the Baconator out back behind an Asian bistro.
It was love at first sight. It runs on 14 delicious pigs. They both power the car and provide delightful entertainment. Captain Piggles is especially eloquent and well informed on current events. We have had many enlightening discussions on philosophy, religion, politics, and whether Jesus rode dinosaurs (see answer below). Who needs satellite radio when you have intellect of Captain Piggles and the beautiful voices of MC Hammore and Pjork to tickle your ears. I picked up this beauty for the low cost of 15 cats, which I collected from my neighbors without their consent. I know they are going to a better place. The advantages of the Baconator are many: A) If I'm ever stranded and hungry I can cook one of the delicious pigs on the engine to survive; B) It is totally green, in the sense that the only pollutants emitted by my vehicle are green pig poop; C) Everyone gives me space on the road because they are afraid they will get swine flu from the Baconator; D) If attacked by an overweight, overall-wearing Italian plumber & friends you can fling bacon at them from your skillet.
And that's how I spent my summer vacation, by Alexander Ishmael Wojohoski.