Friday, October 9, 2009

The Most Frightening thing at the Law School is...

Grover, from Sesame Street. Way scarier than any ghost. Or maybe it was this:

I'm working on my Greek homework when I realize the Law School is about to close down. I've been trying to lock up classroom 127 for the past two hours but some douche-bag student is in there using his laptop. I know I could go in there and kick him out and watch him pull an indignant face on me. Or I could just try to wait him out. I leave the back room to make my way to 127, when this woman begins to talk to me about the fact that the front doors won't close all the way. The air pressure in the Law School is too great and it keeps the doors open, floating on a cushion of air. I'd make a joke about all the hot air coming from the law students, but you would have seen it a mile away. Anyway, the "solution" to this problem is a paper sign on the door saying, "Please close the door behind you."

The woman moves from talking about the door to every bad thing that ever happened to hear, all without allowing a single lull in the conversation so that I can excuse myself. At first I feel bad for her. She says she's handicapped, although she looks fine to me, and that she used to work in a bad part of town. But then things get weird. I'm talking gypsy woman from Thinner or Drag Me To Hell weird. She talks about how the mafia of Sacramento CA (there's a mafia in Sacramento?) is after her, although she never really explains why. They've had people stalking her as she's fled across the country. Two women stalked her when she was on a phone to an "old friend," after she put all her wedding jewelry in a safety deposit box. Her husband forged her signature on something and took all her money. The mafia tried to kill her dog by bribing vets not to treat him. She worked in a building owned by Strip club managers and got sick from the metal shavings in the air. To be honest I stopped paying attention when she started talking about the mafia. Instead I was thinking, "Oh god this woman's crazy and she's going to stab me any much time has passed? Can I look at my watch without her noticing. Oh shit, it's been 20 minutes. How can I get her to shut up?" Eventually, she explained how her attorney was bought off and trying to sabotage her, when she looked at me and asked, "You know what I mean right? How an attorney can have total power over you?"

Yes, the out I was looking for. I said I didn't know what she was talking about exactly, since I don't study law. I just work here and I've got to go lock up a classroom. She looked disappointed and wished me a good night. Do you know how they treat prisoners in North Korea? I don't. This is not relevant. I make my way to 127 frazzled. That woman had scared the crap out of me. Thankfully, douche-bag McStudentpants had left. I locked up the room, but I kept expecting that old gypsy woman to jump out of every shadow and corner and attack me. She wasn't really a gypsy, that I know, but in my mind that's how she is.

I'm not sure if talking about her is such a great idea, since I'm likely to get cursed. And I don't know if I'll be going to hell for bad mouthing an old handicapped woman or just for generally being a bad person. Both are good reasons. It's time to watch some Darkwing Duck and go to bed.


  1. I think Elmo is scarier than grover.

    Also, when I was a child I liked to call Darkwing Duck Darkwing Fuck. I was such a impish little boy.

    I'm not sure if you saw the latest episode of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, but I think the best way to deal with this gypsy woman would be to through salt on her until she goes away.

  2. Oh also, how come you didn't beat her up like you usually do with handicapped people?

  3. I think Elmo is more metaphysically scary than Grover, but Grover is more viscerally scary than Elmo. Elmo shouldn't exist and is too wholesome for his own good, which rightfully frightens any sane individual. Grover will devour your soul.

    I'm not sure why I didn't beat her up. She wasn't retarded? She seemed like she might be able to hold her own and I only attack people who have no chance of defending themselves.