Monday, June 15, 2009

About my Absence

I'm well aware of my absence and it length. I have been doing epic things. You see in order to pay the bills I act as a rank 11 crime solving paladin. A crazed youth had posted Deltron 3030 lyrics and discussed at length a trip into space. All his friends thought he was joking in an awkward fashion. They were wrong, dead wrong. This youth, Butter Billy, seemed to have been linked to the thefts of several NASA space shuttles. His finger prints were found all over a spent fuselage I dredged up from the ocean. I also found moonanite stickers plastered all over the the discarded fuselage. Either Billy liked watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force or he had a lunar destination. After having my druid friend cast several charm spells, I got NASA as a whole to loan me a shuttle to investigate the moon. Upon arriving on the moon, I found an odd old man. He seemed to rave in german every once and a while. Without a second thought I slew him and looted his body. I got 35 GP and a luger pistol (sadly I have no proficency slots in small guns). Then, I cast detect evil, and it affirmed my random act of violence. He was chaotic evil. I had just slain zombie hitler.
I searched the moon sniffing evil and every corner. I came a large landing zone filled with many shuttles yet nary a person to be seen. That's when I saw him blaring the cure in a moon buggy. It was none other than MLK Junior, alive and well. I tried to approach him, but upon seeing me he nervously sped off. I sighed and chugged my oil of speed and gave chase. I smashed in his buggy with my righteous furry and interogated the supposedly dead civil rights leader. He looked as though he had not aged since 1965. At first he was evasive, but after casting flare in face several times he fessed up. No one can resist my divine law. He had been living on the moon for many years plotting world domination with John Wilks Booth. MLK had been posing as the rapper Deltron 3030, sensationalising the "rush" from being in space so as to lure unsuspecting prepubescent little boys such as Butter Billy. They needed the blood of young boys to fuel the birth of Zombie Lincoln. It all made sense now, Wilks Booth killed Lincoln knowing that Lincoln's body would be an ample vessel for the prince of Darkness.
I incapacitated MLK by flaring his conscious away. I did the only logical thing and returned to the Earth and demanded Barrack Obama to fire nukes at the moon so as to stop the birth of the Prince of Darkness. We debated endlessly. Obama finially caved after I agreed to buy him a year's worth of Dijon mustard. The moon was nuked and a crisis was averted. Now the world can be greatful for my service, once they forgot about the constant tidal flooding due to lack of lunar gravitation....
Btw I was discharged from my paladin order. When I asked the head paladin he said that we both knew the reason. I smiled and noded the said that I was too fucking awesome for paladinhood.


  1. I was too fucking awesome for paladinhood too. After I got caught having sex with a lawn mower, (I have a metal penis) I was demoted to a level 2 lawful evil paladin. I hear Deltron 3030 is a big fan of milk too. I once saw him drinking it. As for the whole zombie Lincoln thing, I hear that the Prince of Darkness makes poops that turn into gold. This explains the jar of poop under my bed. Spit out your Stride Gum and chew another piece already or we'll find you!

  2. "In bearsball, if you strike out, you get mauled. If you hit a pop fly or a grounder, you get mauled. If you hit a home run, you get mauled. If you steal a base you get mauled twice."