Sunday, July 2, 2017

How To Live With A Man Baby: WTF is Going on With My Roommate?

As you know, I've lived with an immature space alien for a year and a half now. This is a character study of a Waalkes gone awry.

1. Lets begin with the digital clocks and silverware in the apartment. We have 3 clocks on kitchen appliances. They are always set to the correct time. If they power goes out, if one gets unplugged, or if Daylight Savings time happens. They are corrected to the right time. The same goes for our silverware. When I unload the dish washer, I don't bother organizing them. Whenever he sees them in this state he immediately corrects them. And yet we always have grease and goo covering all the important surfaces, dishes constantly piled in the sink, and a nausea inducing aroma that scares people. Cleanliness is not a priority but obsessing over minutia is.

2. We have peeping Toms and robbers in the neighborhood. Hey! Maybe lets leave all the blinds open at all times and the door unlocked at night. We've got thousands of dollars in electronics there. Oh hey, your roommate, who owns more than half of the aforementioned electronics, tells you this all the time. Its not that hard. Its free security. Oh ok lets not do that anyway. Hmmm. Why?!

Most of my other gripes are about him being an unaware, inconsiderate, childlike hypochondriac who's in denial about being mentally ill. Examples: Never leaving. Watching Frasier at high volume. Wiping his greasy hands on my couch. (Crossing a line!) Also the unsettling, creepiness factor.

What I'm asking y'all now is what the Hell is going on with this dude? He was valedictorian at VMI but apparently that don't mean shit. He's got an extremely skewed world view. He can hardly function like a normal human being. My guess is he's used to being spoon fed everything in his life. Whether by his mom or the military college. Now he's 26 and living on his own and still is expecting it all to magically be done. Um, dude this is Joey Waalkes here. I'm only in it for Skeezy and Big Macs.

My assessment: Your family's neglect and bullying fucked you up in the head. Get therapy. Acting like a crazy person will get you labelled as a crazy person. Getting treatment helps you from thinking/acting so crazy. People aren't fucking telepathic. They won't know you're getting help. (Even if they did, this is not middle school any more.) They will however know you are crazy if you are outwardly acting as such. Maybe he wouldn't be so frustrating if what he was doing at least made some sense.


  1. As much as I appreciate the Peter Dinklage gifs (although none from Station Agent, wtf?, I do want to hear about your experiences with the Man baby. Bring it on!

  2. I agree. I'm certainly not tired of hearing about Man baby. Plus, you've got to vent somehow.

  3. I totally agree with you. It really seems like he needs someone to talk through these issues with since he is obsessing about things so much that it is interfering with his relationships and his well-being. Like you said, it isn't something shameful or wrong, really everybody needs help at some point in their lives.

  4. Hes a waalkes. This shit runs deep. His sister is bipolar. You've got to be extremely lucky to at least not have this to some degree. Not getting therapy/psychiatric care is detrimental to his well being. Jesus cannot replace therapy. I only try to reason with him any more if it affects my own well being. Now if only we had a can voiced by h. Jon Benjamin to teach him the new way...

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