“In
conclusion this is why the scarcity of nation-wide church parking makes it hard
for me to understand how to use today’s new microwaves” said 60 Minutes
commentator Andy Rooney. “Thank you and have a good night.
Andy
Rooney satisfied with another adequate 60 Minutes commentary got up and left
his office to go to the break room for his post-show yogurt.
“It’s
not easy complaining on national TV every week but someone needs to explain how
they don’t make shower nozzles like they used to” thought Andy. “Jerry Seinfeld hit the nail on the head when
he said that today’s showers lack the water pressure that older ones had.”
When
Andy rounded the corner and entered the break room to his surprise there was no
one there. The break room, usually full
of distinguished journalists, was only inhabited by an Edible Arrangements
fruit bouquet with a note. Andy opened
the note. The note read:
“Mr. Rooney, I have collected the 60 Minutes news team in
my underground bunker. They are watching
video of the 1970 Carter election telecast.
My finest telecast of all time before CBS unjustly fired me for ruining
60 Minutes II, or 60 Minutes Jr. as the public jokingly referred to it. Anyway, if you want your precious news team
back, then have CBS send me a written apology with a job offer. If you do not meet my demands, I will go on
Fox News and tell them that you hate America.
Your former colleague, Dan Rather.”
“Rather! More like I'd rather not!” exclaimed Andy.
“I must stop him and save TV’s most distinguished news team!”
Andy, with a renewed sense of purpose and running as fast
as possible left the CBS broadcasting building and got on the crosstown
bus. He then promptly fell asleep.
TO BE CONTINUED…
