Saturday, August 1, 2009

Ghost Story from Afghanistan: The Phantom Flush

After we arrived in Egypt, we were driven to our Hotel in Giza, the Mena House Oberoi Hotel. The history of the hotel dates back to the 1800's when it was built as a hunting lodge for the ruler of Egypt, Khedive Ismail. In 1869 Princess Eugenie of France stayed there for the opening of the Suez Canal. In the 1880's it was bought by two Englishmen and then turned into a hotel in the 1890's. During WWI the hotel was used as a military hospital. The hotel is located at the foot of the Great Pyramid of Cheops and to say that the view was astounding, would not do it justice.

The hotel is rich with history and places with this much history are known to pick up a quirk or two. After getting settled in, we heard a flush come from our bathroom. We went in to check and saw a little water swirling at the bottom of the toilet. We thought this was odd, but did not think much on it. A little later, the same thing happened again only this time the shower was dribbling water as well. I tried to turn the knob to shut the water off, but it was already in the off position, and turned as tightly as it would go. However, once I touched the handle the water stopped dripping.

This happened on at least half a dozen occasions during our two days at the hotel. It is entirely possible that this was merely a plumbing problem, i.e. when someone else flushed or showered, our pipes might also begin running water. However, the hotel has been renovated on several occasions and this seems like the kind of thing one might want to correct.

Rational explanations aside, I am not one to let an opportunity pass him by. So on our last night at the hotel, I marched into the bathroom with the intent of confronting the phantom flusher. I thought the most sensible course of action would be to call the ghost names and antagonize him. (I mean, if I was a ghost this is how I would like other people to interact with me). I called the ghost a "limp-dick camel flushing son of a bitch" and then dared him to do something about it. Nothing. Then I tried peeing around the toilet, but not in it, boldly declaring "Oooooo, look at me, I can't pee in the toilet correctly, I bet that really bothers you. Come on! Man up, do something about it." No reaction. I was not going to let him get off so easily. Then I took a shit in toilet and refused to flush. I told him that shit was his mother. Then I was pretty sure I saw a little water swirl and whisper "shut the fuck up, dickhead." Although in retrospect, that could have been the people in the room adjacent to ours.

I leave it you, dear readers, to decide for yourself. But all I know is that I sure as shit showed that ghost whose boss and no one will ever accuse me of having a tiny penis again.


  1. Wojo:

    First off, Meow.
    Second off, where does the poo go after you flush it?!
    Third off, I was once chased through the woods by the ghosts of some lumberjacks. They said they were just there for the wood, but I knew from then on that they were after only one thing: my lucky charms.
    Fourth off, do they have camels on merry go rounds in Egypt? If so, where do I sign up?!
    Fifth off, I'm considering a mullet. How much money would this really take in reality? Is this a wise investment in today's economy and how would this affect my 401K?
    Sixth off, Do the chickens have large talons?
    Seventh off, Where am I going and how did I get here?

  2. Toliets are the henchmen of the devil. That is why I always poop into coffins at funerals. It helps dead people decompose and that way you get to send a little part of yourself up to Jesus.

  3. Let me attempt to answer your questions, in order of importance:
    7) You were going to Cancun with little Billy until you found out about him touching himself inappropriately. Now you're probably just going to stay at that dirty Hostel you saw on the way into town. You got here because Frank, the guy with the cool Fro-hawk, dropped you off.
    6) Very large.
    5) A mullet is a wise investment in our current economy crisis, as it will help you get any blue color redneck job. Additionally, people with mullets get a 15% discount at Wal-Mart and 7-11. The hairstyle will never go out of style amongst this socio-economic demographic. It won't cost much, maybe $7 at Arlene's Cut'n Clip. Unfortunately, it will have a slight negative impact on your 401K, but rednecks don't worry about it and neither should you.
    4) They don't, all the camels are free range.
    3) Ghosts (and apparently rabbits) love Lucy Charms.
    2) After you flush it, poo goes to poo heaven, which is next to dogy heaven in the heaven neighborhood.
    1) Meow