Saturday, March 14, 2009
Hugo's House of Horrors Computer Game Review
The year was 1988 during the deep recession of the Regan-era, where times were so tight that your girlfriend Penelope decided it was worth 9 dollars an hour to babysit at a house with a dinner party of monsters so monstrous that Dracula would shit his pants. You play the role of Hugo, fresh from spending your last 5 dollars at the thrift store so that you could buy a light blue sweat shirt and purple blue jeans to look sharp for your new adventure game.
Little did you know that there were no babies in this house. In fact the locked door, creepy eyes, human-eating dog, Alex-Trebec-like-old-man-in-a-boat, and crazy mad scientist would be enough to deter most normal people from babysitting at this house, but the truth is that Penelope's attempt to babysit at the house of horrors was more a cry for help than an attempt at an adventure game. You see, Peneplope was so ashamed that she was dating Hugo, considering his lack of fashion sense, his vast knowledge of obscure trivia, his stalker tendencies, and his tiny penis, that she was attempting suicide. Hugo's heroic attempts to save her were little more than the game creator's attempt at trying to make the girl he lusted after in high school fall in love with him 15 years later. If only Stacey Madison played computer games . . .
If you ever feel the urge to relive the pathetic life of recession-ear Hugo, you would be better off opening up MS Paint from your start button, drawing a picture of a house, and emptying your bowels onto your computer monitor.