Friday, September 28, 2012

True Life: I'm The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man


Well, its time for the annual blog meeting.  You may recall last year's meeting ended with me winning Tommy's leather jacket in a knife fight so I'd like to keep things more civil this year.  Anyway, I've been thinking about making some form of new website.  My html skills are getting rusty and I feel like another site in my portfolio would be beneficial in finding a good job, gaining xp, etc.  I wanted to know if you guys had any ideas about what I should make.  I've been considering a brand new blog with it's own new address that we could use instead of this one.  Only problem with that is this blog works pretty well already and we'd have to tone it down if I wanted to show it to people, which is totally fucking retarded...

Other ideas:
  1. A Cactus Care Website (Basically something with some cactus essays with the feel of  that Ninja website.)
  2. A Website For A Band (Probably SPD, but it would have to look legit though.  I think it could be really funny to make SPD look like a serious musical group.)
  3. A Magic Site of Some Sort (Columns on EDH or other Magic related stuff.  Not sure how copyrights work with MTG.)
Any ideas/thoughts/comments?  With any of these we could even add a blog page or forum of some sort.  Also I ate the stay puft man's finger.  Is this considered cannibalism?

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Making Magic Mayhaps?

So I just got kind of a cool idea. I think we should create a magic set together and run through most of the stages of development just for funsies. I think it would provide an interesting view into how magic works. I have a few ideas for what the setting and the mechanics would be, but, of course, I want to hear what's knocking around in your heads.
My favorite idea that I've had thus far is to do set based around a desert city. The desert city would be mana-rich thanks to a magical ever-flowing fountain of water. However, since that fountain would be the only large source of mana, all the factions in the city would be jostling for control of the fountain. Out in the desert you would get to meet all sorts of nomadic creatures that have to scavenge for even the smallest morsels of food, water, and mana. The nomads would have to contend with all sorts of tough and ferocious animals such as wurms, genies, and dragons. I suppose the set would have a lot of strong Arabic flavors, but I would want to make it unique enough that its not Arabian Nights II: The Enderhaagen Symposium.
But yeah let me know in comments what you guys think. Ignore the haters in the chat box.

Monday, August 6, 2012

My Book Review on Spoken from the Heart by Laura Bush


Since I have now completed reading the world-wind thrilling romantic adventure with an Arabic twist that is Spoken from the Heart by Laura Bush, I thought I would share my thoughts with all of you fine people on the internet. First off, I don't know how much I believe the part where Laura Bush wrested an alligator to the bottom of a resivoir in order to save one of the Bush twins at the San Diego zoo. Sure anyone with half a brain can tell that there is something malicious hidden behind Bush's lipsticked smile, but she is certainly no mama grizzly, probably more like a crazy aunt proquipine. Also, the part where Laura Bush infiltrated Area 51 to get information about alien space crafts that George kept seeing appear over the white house and threaten to shove pretzels down his throat was a captivating read, but I have to question how anyone wearing a collar that large would be able to slip passed security guards unseen. Finally, when Laura Bush says that George has a larger penis than any foreign leader, you have to wonder if she is just pandering to the Big Penis Conservative movement who believe we should always elect the American with the largest penis to the presidency. Ultimately, Laura Bush's autobiography is spoken more from the lymph nodes or maybe the pancreas on a good day, but certainly not the heart.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Nutbush City Limits!



 Dear Jesus H.W. Christ (AKA Buzz Lightyear AKA Noodle Caboodles AKA Tronfan99 AKA E. Honda Civic Esquire AKA Loyal AIR&RHCC Readers),

I made this: www.waalkescottage.com

Sincerely,

Tronfan99 (AKA Peiwei Hermans AKA PF Chang's AKA New Asia Buffet AKA Panda China Dragon Garden AKA Gimli The Comedic Relief Dwarf AKA Wait, do dwarves grant wishes? AKA Will you validate my parking? AKA Hoseph Whaalkes)


Monday, July 9, 2012

Heroes Two Retrospective


Let me start by saying that this game is by far my favorite in the series. Due to the fact that I've played this game hardcore since middle school, I find very difficult to approach this review from an objective standpoint. Every time I've sat down to play it for the sake of reviewing, I quickly forget what I'm doing and get sucked right into the game. A big reason for this absorption is the fact that the art style and sound direction is so appealing to me. There's a few reasons why they are so damn polished and pristine. The art was developed by the same company that created the pixel art for Warcraft II. Note the similarities:



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Also, Heroes II sound was designed by the venerable composer, Paul Romero. His sound direction gave the game a lot more personality than the typical midi sound of the time. The big reason why there sufficient time to polish the hell out of the feel of the game was due to the fact that Heroes II was developed using Heroes I as a base. It was just the same engine, it was in large part the same game. Heroes II was released in 1996, a year after Heroes I was released. Given the quality of the game, the development time was relatively short.

Mechanically speaking, you could view Heroes II, in large part, a strict upgrade of Heroes I. And while technologically, that statement is incredibly true, in terms of mechanics I would argue that game only grew more complex. While complexity is not at all a bad thing, it significantly changed the game-play experience from the first one. Heroes II gave the players far more choices to make. There were two main new features: Secondary skills for heroes and upgrades for creatures.

1)Skills:

 
In the original heroes, every time a hero leveled up, he just got a stat increase. While the stat boosts rewarded the player for acquiring experience and gave each hero class personality (4 hero classes each one specializing in a primary stat), the level-ups felt insubstantial. Unlike the rest of the game, no decision making was involved. Beyond their stats, Heroes had nothing to make them unique and strategic. For a game called Heroes, the heroes themselves lacked personality and strategic depth. 

Heroes II added the new skill system to incentivize players to level and to make the heroes themselves more than just generals on horses barking orders. Each time upon leveling up, your hero would be given the choice between two skills. Oftentimes, you would left with the choice between further specializing in a known skill or branching out to a new one.  This skill system made the Heroes a much larger focus of the gameplay.  Even to this day people still debate which skills are the most useful (Though, everyone agrees unanimously that Eagle Eye is totally useless.) Heroes III would take the skills even further and make them more powerful in the next game.

2)Creature Upgrades:
                Introducing creature upgrades into the mix lead to a lot interesting strategic choices, which were very economic in nature. Do I want quantity or quality? Are these extra stats worth the money? How much do I benefit from building a creature dwelling twice? I still have an old print out of the Astral Wizard site (courtesy of Phil printing them off in 1998), which debated ad nauseam about the merits of every creature upgrade. When you upgrade a creature dwelling you have to worry about two costs: the cost of the upgraded building and the price increase in the creature. Upgrading would often times make a weak creature into a powerhouse (as is the case with Ogres) or make an overpriced creature even more costly (as is the case with Liches).

                These economic concerns lead the player to weigh the risk vs. reward of fighting to obtain a resource. Getting a certain resource earlier meant gaining access to better creatures.  These economic concerns slowed down the game somewhat and put much greater emphasis on building up your town. In Heroes II gold was very limited (you only got 1000 per castle plus 250 for a statue.), so the player had to be ecumenical.
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Again, Heroes II is just a different spin on the formula established in Heroes I. Games in Heroes I tended to move pretty fast and favored aggressive play over more reserved strategies. The game rewarded you for aggressive play due to both economics and the computer's cheating (They're rather stupid, but they seemed to get far more gold than the player did.) Economically speaking, getting fifth and sixth level creatures weren't always the best play since both dwellings ate up a lot of money that could otherwise go towards buying lower level troops. The computer continuously barreled right into  your territory so you would need to be able to afford troops or else your towns and mines would get snatched from right under your nose.

Heroes II changed this formula pretty significantly with the advent of creature upgrades. The Creature upgrades added a whole new level of strategy to town building.  Now the player had to decide between three different options when town building: save money for troops, build up to the next level of troops, or buy upgrades for your already built troops.  Upgrading a dwelling and its creatures was oftentimes cheaper and more beneficial than jumping up to the next tier. While there are definitely fairly rigid build orders for each town, the player still has to work around a fairly sparse amount of gold.

Between the expense of building into the next tier, the low creature production per week, and scarcity of gold, my armies feel very valuable. Aside from the necromancers, whose low level creatures are slowish walkers you acquire en mass, each creature felt necessary and useful, fitting right into its time and place. Whenever I watch my sprites die, I feel sort of a fatherly twinge of regret for throwing them into harms way. Peasants, however, are completely worthless. Much like their real world counterparts, not single tear rolls down my cheek as I toss them into my furnace. Energy isn't cheap kids.

Friday, June 22, 2012

60 Minutes Fan Fiction


“In conclusion this is why the scarcity of nation-wide church parking makes it hard for me to understand how to use today’s new microwaves” said 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney. “Thank you and have a good night.
Andy Rooney satisfied with another adequate 60 Minutes commentary got up and left his office to go to the break room for his post-show yogurt.
“It’s not easy complaining on national TV every week but someone needs to explain how they don’t make shower nozzles like they used to” thought Andy.  “Jerry Seinfeld hit the nail on the head when he said that today’s showers lack the water pressure that older ones had.”
When Andy rounded the corner and entered the break room to his surprise there was no one there.  The break room, usually full of distinguished journalists, was only inhabited by an Edible Arrangements fruit bouquet with a note.  Andy opened the note.  The note read:
            “Mr. Rooney, I have collected the 60 Minutes news team in my underground bunker.  They are watching video of the 1970 Carter election telecast.  My finest telecast of all time before CBS unjustly fired me for ruining 60 Minutes II, or 60 Minutes Jr. as the public jokingly referred to it.  Anyway, if you want your precious news team back, then have CBS send me a written apology with a job offer.  If you do not meet my demands, I will go on Fox News and tell them that you hate America.  Your former colleague, Dan Rather.”
            “Rather! More like I'd rather not!” exclaimed Andy.  “I must stop him and save TV’s most distinguished news team!”
            Andy, with a renewed sense of purpose and running as fast as possible left the CBS broadcasting building and got on the crosstown bus.  He then promptly fell asleep.
TO BE CONTINUED…

Thursday, June 14, 2012

BULBASAUR!

PHIL WAALKES!

THERE ARE ONLY 3 LIGHTBULBS LEFT LIT IN THE ATTIC!!!  ME AND TOMMY HAVE EACH BET ON 1 LIGHTBULB.  IF NEITHER OF THESE LIGHTBULBS GO OUT AND THE 3RD ONE DOES, YOU MUST CHANGE ALL 6 LIGHTBULBS!!! YOU'RE WELCOME AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

Sunday, June 10, 2012

My bad Experience at Food Lion

"Decided to be productive and go grocery shopping. The cashier took my coupons and one wouldn't ring up. His response? "This one doesn't work, here you go..." Well, why didn't it work? He didn't want to call the manager over, even though I had the right items and it had not expired. His reasoning was that it must only be select varieties. If it was only select varieties, why would the stupid coupon say "ALL varieties" in bold letters! Needless to say, the manager came over and rang it through! I wasn't leaving without my $1 off!!!"
This woman taught me in high school....

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Archibald 2012!!!


I've decided to back a horse in this wacky presidential race, his name Archibald Ironfist!
What are his platforms you ask?
The dwarves should be our slaves!
Every town should have a statue of great Archibald!
The budget should be balanced with magic!
The dragons should humanity's bitch!
The peasantry should shut up and become skeletons like good boys and girls! 

Still not convinced?
You'll change your tune once Archibald personally slaughters every dissident!

So when you go to the polls this year, remember one thing:
Archibald does not fuck around!
(paid for by the Dick Cheney Wants to See the World Burn Coalition) 

Monday, May 7, 2012

Lame or Whatever




I'm not sure if these cards would make our commander games less fun, so I'm putting it up to you guys. Are these cards pains in the ass or powerful, but fair? Should I include Breath of Fury in my kiki-jiki deck and make it start doing stupid infinite, yet fragile combos? Do Vorinclex and Jin-Gitaxias just bring the game to a screeching halt in my mimeoplasm deck? You decide before Batman comes to your house and makes you decide?