Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Ewoklypse Now

Endor.... shit; I'm still only on Endor... Every time I wake up I think I'm gonna wake up back in the forest. When I was home after the first death star blew up it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my wife, until I said "yes" to a divorce. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the forest. I'm here a week now... waiting for a mission... getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Ewoks squat in a bush, they gets stronger. Each time I looked around, the walls moved in a little tighter.
Endor Holocaust
I was going to the worst place in the galaxy and I didn't even know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked through the war like a main circuit cable plugged straight into Wicket. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Colonel Wicket Wystri Warrick's memory any more than being back in Endor was an accident. There is no way to tell his story without telling my own. And if his story really is a confession, then so is mine.
How many Ewoks had I already killed? There were those six that I knew about for sure. Close enough to blow their last bit of gibberish in my face. But this time, it was an Imperial and an Ewok. That wasn't supposed to make any difference to me, but it did. Shit... charging an Ewok with murder in this place was like handing out speeding tickets in the Pod Racing Circuit. I took the mission. What the hell else was I gonna do? 
Oh man... the bantha dung piled up so fast on Endor, you needed an official Ewok hang glider(TM) to stay above it. "Never get out of the boat." Absolutely goddamn right! Unless you were goin' all the way... Wicket got off the boat. He split from the whole fuckin' program.
Wicket wosw
On the river, I thought that the minute I looked at him, I'd know what to do, but it didn't happen. I was in there with him for days, not under guard; I was free, but he knew I wasn't going anywhere. He knew more about what I was going to do than I did. If the generals back on Hoth could see what I saw, would they still want me to kill him? More than ever, probably. And what would his people back home want if they ever learned just how far from them he'd really gone? He broke from them, and then he broke from himself. I'd never seen an Ewok so broken up and ripped apart.


  1. This is awesome! How crazy would it be if Ewoks turned into homicidal killing machines? This is how Return of the Jedi should have been. Take the heroes' first encounter with the Ewoks. The Ewoks tie them up and start to cook them. If this is the Ewoks' normal behavior then that somehow makes more sense than them actually giving a shit about the rebellion. The Ewoks in all likelihood would have been trying to take back their planet through stealth and guerrilla warfare not this cute and cuddly Al Gore hippie love bull shit. I'm angry now. Fuck you George Lucas.

  2. Oh if I only had a nickle for every time some one accused me of calling Al Gore a furry...