Friday, February 13, 2009

Dear Billy,

I'm soooooo over you. You dumped me, thinking I would come crawling right back to you, but you have another thing coming since you don't play me like that. Billy I've listened to shitloads of angry girl music and have come to this conclusion: YOU'RE SUCH A DICK.

You're most likely already aware of this issue, but let me extrapolate. First, you played me like a violin, then got pissed since I wouldn't give you a kidney. Second, I hate you. Third, no amount of heroine can wash away the jizz stains left on my couch and for the sake of metaphor, my heart. Fourth, you were such a cheap ass munch it was not even funny, you peed yourself every time there was a sale at J.C. Penny, sooo unmanly. Fifth, axe, bad choice man, girls don't like axe.

So in closing, though the sex was amazing exploratory and likely illegal in some way, we are totally and utterly DONE. No booty calls, and I'm taking Poodle's world mags you left here as asshole tax. Please don't talk to me again, and just come out of the closet already, you rather unsightly male.


  1. Dear Billy's Ex-Fiancee,
    I think you have some learning to do. Billy is obviously not into your Axe body spray. 94% of girls like men that smell like ass not Axe. If they bottle ass into a can, then you'd be putting it on like Mad Max and GW searching for oil. More importantly, if you ever expect to make it with a lady then you had better learn to make soem sence for ounce hbecause girlz hate when u dunt muk sence 4 guds sak!!!! Pee Es, paleez stup cullin ma. I half 7 kids und a morgake 4 gud suk!!

  2. Dear Billy,
    Remember that time at the zoo when we saw the pandas making love and later that night we went to a porn shop and bought that journal about geology? Well, I have to admit the sex afterward did have me screaming, but not in that horror movie, damsel-in-distress sort of way. I was screaming because I knew a week later you would not return my calls, because you would never watch the final season of Cheers on DVD with me, cuddled on the couch with my great dane named Boxer.
    I wish you the best of luck in your go-cart racing, maybe your next girlfriend will be able to convince you that a triple axle will do nothing for your torque.
    P.S. I'm starting up the business again.

  3. Everyone loves dicks...if you know what I mean. Wakka wakka wakka. Thank you! I'll be here all week.