Jello Bulletin

Thanks to the contributions of Team Waalkes, my Jello collection (including one expired box) has doubled in size.

Pancakes!

How To Live With A Man Baby: WTF is Going on With My Roommate?

As you know, I've lived with an immature space alien for a year and a half now. This is a character study of a Waalkes gone awry.

1. Lets begin with the digital clocks and silverware in the apartment. We have 3 clocks on kitchen appliances. They are always set to the correct time. If they power goes out, if one gets unplugged, or if Daylight Savings time happens. They are corrected to the right time. The same goes for our silverware. When I unload the dish washer, I don't bother organizing them. Whenever he sees them in this state he immediately corrects them. And yet we always have grease and goo covering all the important surfaces, dishes constantly piled in the sink, and a nausea inducing aroma that scares people. Cleanliness is not a priority but obsessing over minutia is.

2. We have peeping Toms and robbers in the neighborhood. Hey! Maybe lets leave all the blinds open at all times and the door unlocked at night. We've got thousands of dollars in electronics there. Oh hey, your roommate, who owns more than half of the aforementioned electronics, tells you this all the time. Its not that hard. Its free security. Oh ok lets not do that anyway. Hmmm. Why?!

Most of my other gripes are about him being an unaware, inconsiderate, childlike hypochondriac who's in denial about being mentally ill. Examples: Never leaving. Watching Frasier at high volume. Wiping his greasy hands on my couch. (Crossing a line!) Also the unsettling, creepiness factor.

What I'm asking y'all now is what the Hell is going on with this dude? He was valedictorian at VMI but apparently that don't mean shit. He's got an extremely skewed world view. He can hardly function like a normal human being. My guess is he's used to being spoon fed everything in his life. Whether by his mom or the military college. Now he's 26 and living on his own and still is expecting it all to magically be done. Um, dude this is Joey Waalkes here. I'm only in it for Skeezy and Big Macs.

My assessment: Your family's neglect and bullying fucked you up in the head. Get therapy. Acting like a crazy person will get you labelled as a crazy person. Getting treatment helps you from thinking/acting so crazy. People aren't fucking telepathic. They won't know you're getting help. (Even if they did, this is not middle school any more.) They will however know you are crazy if you are outwardly acting as such. Maybe he wouldn't be so frustrating if what he was doing at least made some sense.

TL;DR:

Alex Jones

Inspirational Poster Bot

In case you guys haven't already seen it, check this out:

Some good ones I've gotten:

The Weiner That Started It All

This is the name of my new erotic fan fiction book about Adam. Also, the hot dog car is back, bitches!!!!!!#~!

No Rubbing, No Bumping

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAojxWZRVKk

Also, this is the title of my new Christian abstinence-promoting rock album. The first single will be "Jesus is Watching You Dry Hump."

Joint

Mayank Never Gave a Speech Like This Because He got one A-.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/education/wp/2017/06/20/a-valedictorian-went-rogue-in-his-final-speech-his-school-tried-to-shut-him-down/

This might be the most epic class president speech since Tommy's famous vending machine speech of '98. It also makes me think something like this could be a really funny Tommy and friends episode where Tommy wins his class election by giving everyone scratch and sniff stickers. Then the principal cuts his mic when he gives a speech promising vending machines. Then Tommy sneaks into the principal's office with hippo to leave a little surprise.

Mission Accomplished!!!

Fun fact, if you name your baby Hitler, he's not going to have many Jewish friends. Oh also if you name your baby I WILL EAT A STICK OF DEODERANT AND STREAM ON TWITCH ALONG WITH THE SUBSEQUENT CALL TO POISON CONTROL/DRIVE TO THE ER.

Blog Petition III

Its spring and babies are in the air!

Hi all,

I would like you all to sign this petition requesting that Justin and Veronica Tommy eat a stick of deodorant update the blog with a better layout and cooler graphics name their baby Joseph/Josephine. Other than Pyknite, Joey is clearly the best possible name for a baby. Its worked pretty well for me and I, like all people, am a gigantic baby. I'd even be willing to go by Joe or Sunny to avoid confusion. Below I have listed several more reasons why this is a good idea:

1. Baby kangaroos are Joeys.
2. Joey was on Friends. Chicks will use that to flirt all the time when he or she grows up.
3. In future times, the name Joey will be slang for space pirate.
4. I can play the bass fast and loose like some sort of Greek God. Its not genetics or talent. Its the name.
5.I invented fire, the wheel, and cheese pudding.
6. Back in the stone age, Joey was synonymous with "Oh shit! Here comes a Cheetah!"
7. If your baby is indeed The Chosen One as the prophecies have foretold, the intergalactic civil war will end after 9000 years and finally there will be peace in the universe.
8. I have black friends.
9. Lastly, this blog needs more readers and word of mouth isn't really working any more.

So if we can get 100 comments on here I really think you guys should consider it! Again spam counts so have at it Abo-Bder.

I also request that Tommy listen to Knights In White Satin by The Moody Blues while doing this. Thankyouverymuch!

YES!

http://www.fiona-rae.com/paintings/2007-11/as-i-run-and-run-happiness-comes-closer/