8 Year Olds, Dude
As all of America now know, this clip from the movie Supersize Me is now super creepy!! I mean he is totally checking out that little girl the entire time and clearly not even listening. Also, Jared maybe you should take your own advice that "the world's not going to change, you have to change," since you are a pedophile and need to change.
Anyway, I believe it is now our imperative to change young Tommy's now classic Subway Jared magic card design to keep up with the current times. So, the person who comes up with the best submission wins a bucket of fried chicken. Here is my submission:
Subway Jared, Pedophile - RR
Summon Pantless Man-child
Art - Subway Jared, Pedophile eats a Subway sandwich on a park bench while starring at schoolchildren playing.
Tap: Look at target opponent's hand and force them to discard any cards depicting children in their art. They go to the graveyard and, hopefully, to counseling paid for with all that dirty dirty Subway money.
If Mother of Runes is in play, sacrifice Subway Jared, Pedophile and hit him over the head with a large purse.
8 year olds, dude