Whipped Cream: Pour Like a Waterfall

Ph Balanced for the Hearing Impaired

I want to see Tommy do a rap battle against this 9 year old girl

Badmitton

South Dakota Magazine Controversy

So here is just a little taste of one of the hot controversies of South Dakota: how much of an asshole are rattlesnakes? The article from the boastful cover retrospective of the 150th issue of South Dakota Magazine (April/May 2010 - which I found under a chair while waiting at the DMV) seems to have cause quite a stir in my new home state. Now granted rattlesnakes are total assholes as I know from my time living in the amazon rain forest during my study abroad to study the mating habits of the wild purple radish. However, it seems like we might have bigger things to get worked up about than rattlesnake covers (like giant marshmallow men attacking us or global microwaving). 

My favorite part, however, is how the magazine editors fixed this controversy with the cover of their next issue "featuring a painting of the charming Katee Telgren modeling Astoria farmer Trygve Trooien's collection of farm overalls" as if a picture of a woman wearing farm overall could solve all of the world's problems. Maybe we could just send this cover to Israel and Palestine and they would stop fighting because who can resist farm overalls?! Why did I ever move to this state? /Andy Rooney rant over

5 Things that Shouldn't Exist Anymore

Please indulge my inner Andy Rooney for a minute here. Or don't. I don't give a shit.

1. Fax Machines

Why would you ever send a fax as a respectable upright citizen in 2016? Are you afraid of pdfs? Do you not understand global warming? Think of the Pandas, assholes!

2. Cable TV

Suck it, Judge Judy! No seriously, I just mailed Judge Judy a blow pop.

3. Alex Trebeck

How has he done the exact same boring hosting job the exact same way every day since 1982? How does he not hate himself?

4. Dinosaurs

I am so tired of those fucking flying lizards crapping on my car and eating my goats. Serious how are they able to eat at Arby's without opposable thumbs? I see the remnants in their poop. Vote no on amendment 18 this July!

5. The Bible

Guys, Jesus has been dead for like 2000 years. Get over it. And maybe we should be a little more skeptical of a book that is telling us to do so many things like a common street hypnotist.