You Might Want to Consider Filling Your Stock Room with Something Other Than Toliet Paper

Dear Charmin,

A few weeks ago, a bear was sniffing around outside my outhouse while I was using your toilet paper. I thought the bear would be soft, so I tried to hug it. With my pants around my ankles, my neighbors video taped the horrific mauling that ensued. You may have been one of the two million youtube viewers of this video.

I'm a sporting fellow. So I'm writing to let you know I am capturing 58 bears (one for each of the 58 days I was comatose) and I will soon be freeing them into your corporate headquarters. My advice: do not try to hug them. Maybe chasing them with a broom and dust ban will work like in your commercial. At any rate, feel free to check my new website corporatebearattack.com for coverage after the event. See you soon!

Love,
Charles