A Letter To Jesus

Dear Jesus,

I have recently read your bestselling book titled "The Bible." I have to say, I'm quite impressed with the character development of the fellow you have named after yourself in the new testament. I was a little bored with the old testament since it told me not to eat pork and well, I love bacon and you cannot take that away from me. Anyway, although overall your book was an immersible and thoughtful read, I'm writing to express my anger with your views on Spiderman II.

Jesus, how dare you compare yourself to Spiderman!! Spiderman is a superhero after all, you of all people should know this or are you illiterate and unable to read comic books? You might think that Spiderman II was just a movie comparable to your mundane life, but you're wrong. I masturbate to Spiderman every night. It made more money that you will ever have in 20 lifetimes as a carpenter. Just because you saved humanity from sin doesn't mean shit without money. In summary, Spiderman could beat you up in a fight even when you are walking on water with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus on your side.

Don't forget to wipe,
Billy

You Might Want to Consider Filling Your Stock Room with Something Other Than Toliet Paper

Dear Charmin,

A few weeks ago, a bear was sniffing around outside my outhouse while I was using your toilet paper. I thought the bear would be soft, so I tried to hug it. With my pants around my ankles, my neighbors video taped the horrific mauling that ensued. You may have been one of the two million youtube viewers of this video.

I'm a sporting fellow. So I'm writing to let you know I am capturing 58 bears (one for each of the 58 days I was comatose) and I will soon be freeing them into your corporate headquarters. My advice: do not try to hug them. Maybe chasing them with a broom and dust ban will work like in your commercial. At any rate, feel free to check my new website corporatebearattack.com for coverage after the event. See you soon!

Love,
Charles