You Might Want to Consider Filling Your Stock Room with Something Other Than Toliet Paper

Dear Charmin,

A few weeks ago, a bear was sniffing around outside my outhouse while I was using your toilet paper. I thought the bear would be soft, so I tried to hug it. With my pants around my ankles, my neighbors video taped the horrific mauling that ensued. You may have been one of the two million youtube viewers of this video.

I'm a sporting fellow. So I'm writing to let you know I am capturing 58 bears (one for each of the 58 days I was comatose) and I will soon be freeing them into your corporate headquarters. My advice: do not try to hug them. Maybe chasing them with a broom and dust ban will work like in your commercial. At any rate, feel free to check my new website corporatebearattack.com for coverage after the event. See you soon!

Love,
Charles

Purple Turkeys: My Anti-Drug

Hello everyone! I'm very happy to be here tonight at Grove Park High School. Go Timid Squids! And I have an important story to tell you about a dark time for my band: Shadow Puppet Disco. Back in the mid-80s, after SPD had achieved world-wide disinterest with the release of our first album, Sewerside Suicide, we were on top of the world and partying every night with groupies and accountants. But slowly my rockstar lifestyle spiraled out of Bolivia and made me unable to play my instruments or sing or get it up. You see, I was sniffing upwards of 20 Bounty Dryer sheets covered in Elmer's glue everyday during that time. I nearly lost my band, my cat, my moped, my lawnmower, my tapeworm farm, my chain of NASCAR-themed seafood restaurants and my dignity, until one faithful day I made a discovery that would save my life.

Well, just when things seemed like they couldn't get any worse, this commercial single-footedly helped me overcome my Elmer's glue and Bounce dryer sheet addiction:



After watching this commercial with my cat, Mister Fluffy McFluffyson, I realized I never needed to use drugs again, because this commercial gave me the same high, the same creativity spark and the same anal leakage of glue and dryer sheets, but without the undesirable side effects. Soon enough, I was bringing groupies and their pets over to watch this commercial on repeat and we had a great time, without drugs. After years of unsuccessful substance abuse treatment and in-patient hospital stays and polar bear wrestling matches, we had discovered that getting high was dumb and this cat food commercial was way more fun.

And our band got back on track too. We released a new album to fantastic critical disregard. Once again we were on top of the world and this time without drugs. So, boys and girls, remember drugs will get you nowhere, but purple turkeys will save your soul. Also, if you encounter the Yeti in a dark Winnipeg alley, ask your grandmother to give it a cracker out of her purse and then it will follow you.