The Top Ten Albums of the Last Decade - #5

Ted Leo & The Pharmacists - The Tyranny of Distance

Throughout the decade, Ted Leo has stayed true to his sound and his vision to the point that some critics fault him for a last of originality and musical evolution. I don't understand this criticism of Mr. Leo considering the convicition and passion of his musical vision and the fact that his albums have been consistently amazing throughout the decade.However, no album was better than Tyranny of Distance, Leo's breakout album from 2001 which declared his purpose with the fervor of two hundred pygmy hippos. This album approaches music as if it is a life-sustaining force, like water or bacon, as if Leo and the Pharmacists would all shrivel up and die if music disappeared from the world. Aside from making modern pop punk bands look foolish, the urgency is this record combined with prophetic and poetic lyrics makes this album more like a declaration of existential purpose than mere entertainment. How many bands can you say that about?

I shall call you...the Baconator

Greetings friends and enemy (glare)! I've been lamenting the loss of my car since moving to Seattle. I need a mode of transportation that is both portable (i.e. I don't need to rent garage/parking spaces for it) and cheap (no gas hogs [pun intended]). I looked at mopeds, bikes, tricycles, segways, and piggy-back rides from strangers [more intentional puns]. But nothing fit my needs, that is, until I discovered the Baconator out back behind an Asian bistro.

It was love at first sight. It runs on 14 delicious pigs. They both power the car and provide delightful entertainment. Captain Piggles is especially eloquent and well informed on current events. We have had many enlightening discussions on philosophy, religion, politics, and whether Jesus rode dinosaurs (see answer below). Who needs satellite radio when you have intellect of Captain Piggles and the beautiful voices of MC Hammore and Pjork to tickle your ears. I picked up this beauty for the low cost of 15 cats, which I collected from my neighbors without their consent. I know they are going to a better place. The advantages of the Baconator are many: A) If I'm ever stranded and hungry I can cook one of the delicious pigs on the engine to survive; B) It is totally green, in the sense that the only pollutants emitted by my vehicle are green pig poop; C) Everyone gives me space on the road because they are afraid they will get swine flu from the Baconator; D) If attacked by an overweight, overall-wearing Italian plumber & friends you can fling bacon at them from your skillet.

And that's how I spent my summer vacation, by Alexander Ishmael Wojohoski.

PS

A Letter To Jesus

Dear Jesus,

I have recently read your bestselling book titled "The Bible." I have to say, I'm quite impressed with the character development of the fellow you have named after yourself in the new testament. I was a little bored with the old testament since it told me not to eat pork and well, I love bacon and you cannot take that away from me. Anyway, although overall your book was an immersible and thoughtful read, I'm writing to express my anger with your views on Spiderman II.

Jesus, how dare you compare yourself to Spiderman!! Spiderman is a superhero after all, you of all people should know this or are you illiterate and unable to read comic books? You might think that Spiderman II was just a movie comparable to your mundane life, but you're wrong. I masturbate to Spiderman every night. It made more money that you will ever have in 20 lifetimes as a carpenter. Just because you saved humanity from sin doesn't mean shit without money. In summary, Spiderman could beat you up in a fight even when you are walking on water with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus on your side.

Don't forget to wipe,
Billy