Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Do you remember the catfish? . . . Run into the woods. Get naked.

This is a file I found on an old floppy disk that is a story Joey wrote back in 2005. Enjoy!
Dear Mom and Dad,

How are things? Been suffering much from the empty nest syndrome since I left? I know it’s been a while since we last communicated but I have been busy thinking about my upcoming adventure. Anyways, things are going pretty well here at High Point U., although my ever-drunken suite mates have proven to be somewhat of an annoyance. You’d think that the thrill of higher learning would be enough to get their heads pounding. I’m finding High Point to be a great place to pick up chicks. Just the other day, for instance, I was totally about to step up to the plate, if you know what I mean. Of course my grades are killer as usual: B in Arthurian Lit., C+ in Poly Sci., A in bowling just to name a few. On the whole, High Point is a pretty swell place to learn to raise a family, but there’s something missing. Do you guys remember those summers at the lake; how we’d always walk through the woods in search of wild tobacco for Grandpa to chew on? Remember my Yeti traps; our last visit with the crazy granny that lived in the ice cream shaped house? Such a pretty afternoon... What about the catfish? Do you remember the catfish? This is what I miss most, the obscure and difficult trail, leading into the nature, unknown. Even now, I can feel the nearby flora telling me to run. Run into the wood. Get naked. Run. The point is, no civilized place can quench my thirst to squat in the woods. Not High Point University, not the Kroger photo lab, not even the planet Earth will suffice.
Mom, Dad, I have decided to move the Forest moon of Endor and live amongst the Ewoks. Why go Ewok? It’s simple really. The Ewoks’ culture is in every way superior, not to mention, cooler than so called modern society. First off, Ewoks have uncanny abilities. They are master craftsmen capable of creating melee weapons, play a mean skull xylophone, and are cute. The Ewoks understand international diplomacy. You may remember that rather than launching an immediate invasion of neighboring woodlands the moment the Empire appeared on the scene, the wise chief Chirpa thought long and hard. One Ewok lost is one more spirit tree that shrivels up and dies. Now, I know what you’re going to say. Ewoks are notorious for being wary of strangers, especially ones over a meter tall. If a space pirate and a Jedi warrior couldn’t get friendly with the fuzzy folk how will I ever get them to warm up to me? One word: shortbread. It’s like they say: the best way to an Ewok’s heart is through his fluffly tummy. As you may remember Princess Leia was able to woo the fierce Wicket with little toil just by feeding him some tasty crackers. My plan is to feed them some of those chess piece shortbread cookies as they are similar to crackers except even tastier and more fun to eat. Once this is accomplished and their poofy bulbous bellies are loaded, they’ll gladly accept me into their fold. I may even impress them enough to get promoted to the rank of scout or if I’m lucky, medicine man. Living among the Ewoks’ tree city will be heavenly. The only things I’ll ever have to worry about is getting my fair share of Yuzzum meat during the nightly feast and finding a wife. Though I am unfamiliar with Ewok Courtship customs, I suspect that Ewok women prefer taller men, so I will have little trouble finding a cinnamon-coated beauty with which I can move into a nice village tree and raise a brood of Woklings.
Mom and Dad, I feel that this is a really good decision. I understand if you’re upset because your favorite son must leave, but don’t be. Dad, you still have your job pushing pennies at the office; and Mom what about your Thursday night Drunko Bunko? This your world. Endor is mine. Earth has television, Piranhas, and designer sweaters for pet poodles. The forest moon of Endor has Sunberry Trees, The Happy Grove, and best of all, no evil empire. Please return all mail to the sender. This is the last you shall here from me.
Joseph W.

Tuesday, November 26, 2019

Great Moments in Amazon Review History

First off, this highly informative review for the book Does God Ever Speak Through Cats? (Spoiler Alert: Yes!)

Short answer: Yes.

My neighbor's cat once looked me dead in the eye and began to telepathically dictate a lost chapter of the Book of Revelations to me. He explained that he was the angel Gabriel (in cat form), and God had chosen me as his prophet. I tried to write it down, but couldn't figure out how to use a pencil at the time (I'd had a lot of acid earlier that day. Also some Vicodin, opium, and a handful large orange pills).

Obviously, some of my unusual experiences that day could have been related to the drugs, but the cat part was definitely from God.


Second, the reviews for the 1995 Michael Moore satire Canadian Bacon are pretty priceless (e.g., The cast is okay. The message is stupid, socialist!). There was a pretty big influx of negative reviews around 9/11 and the invasion of the war on Iraq that have all aged really well! This 2001 review from Kyle Dunn is my favorite:


Canada. United States of America. Two countries so similar it's sick. For the life of me. Canadian actor, John Candy, should be ashamed to act in a film like this. There is a lot of hilarious things about people from the United States who reside in Canada or Canadians who reside in the U.S. I would know, I am one of those Canadians. I am also a filmmaker, an independent one but, a filmmaker. If I was to make a film in Canada (which I most diffinently will), I will make it so that the U.S. can see what Canada's really "ABOOT." I have never seen one film that took place in a Canadian city. I've seen to many movies that take place in New York and L.A. and Texas and England and Africa (those are where all films take place now a days.) I don't ever see a movie that really takes place in Canada and shows Canadian life. Which to me, is very interesting. There is so much to see in Canada and Canadian life. Rather than joking about legal aliens and illegal aliens and who's country is better, both countries are valuable partners of trade. A cold war would send both nations into a complete depression even though the United States has the bombs!! It's funny, but, one day I will show what it really is like in Canada.


As of this posting Kyle Dunn's name does not appear on imdb as having filmed a movie about Canada or anything else. I am still waiting for my movie about what Canada is ABOOT, Kyle! I really need someone to show me how there is so much in Canada and Canadian life! I want to see what it is that the U.S. and Canada are trading even though the United States has the bombs. No other source of information will be able to help me except your movie, Kyle! America needs to know! If your movie doesn't come out by 2030, I may have to steal your brilliant idea and make the movie myself! Get ready, America!

Sunday, November 24, 2019

Shadow Puppet Disco - Slam Dunk



Alex used to have a t-shirt that was a letter to Tom explaining to him the rules of basketball. I'm still left with some many questions about this t-shirt. Had Tom had been living under a rock or just woken up from a coma that he had never heard anything about basketball in his life? Why would you end a letter inexplicably with "slam dunk?" If Tom has never heard of basketball before, how is he going to know what a slam dunk is? If you could think of any adjectives in the world to describe basketball, why would non-violent be your first choice? How do Tom and Dan know each other? Why did Dan choose a short letter as the best format to tell Tom about basketball? Why didn't he try to elaborate more to get him excited about basketball like tell him about the strategy or his favorite players? Did Tom ever make it to a basketball game? What does Tom think about basketball now after reading this letter? Are Tom and Dan still friends now? What was Tom's final grade in AP Calculus? Does Alex still wear this shirt? Does Alex still think this song was pretty good? Who was the mysterious masked man appearing on the back of the long lost SPD album? What if God was one of us? Who put the Al in Alabama? Where do babies come from?

Despite all of these questions, we definitely have something that resembles a non-violent song here. Martin plays a little ditty on the keyboard before eventually going into a very repetitive tune where I read Alex's t-shirt. I remember we just thought this t-shirt was ridiculous and wanted to incorporate it into an SPD song. I think we probably put a total of like a minute and a half of preparation into creating this song before we recorded it. But this might be the most famous song ever about a t-shirt. Can you think of a more famous one?

Saturday, November 23, 2019

Now I'm a Baby a Long Way from Home



Here is another long lost SPD track that never made it on one of our albums. It was recorded slightly after we finalized Awareness of Being Alive and it seems like it would fit right in on that album and even maybe be one of the standouts (which isn't that hard to do). I remember Mayank heard this song and told me that he didn't think blackholes worked that way.Also check out the sweet wicker wine bottle lamp from the 70s that our parents used to have. And the sweet digial blasphemy wallpaper on the monitor.

Thursday, November 21, 2019

The New Spokesthing for Dia-beetus

Image result for wilford brimley 



Wilford Brimley has had a good run as the spokeman for Dia-beetus. But every cowboy finds their time to ramble on down the road to make room for a newer, hipper, and hairier voice in the war on Dia-beetus. Introducting Dia-Geedis . . .
 

Friday, November 8, 2019

While My Guitar Gently Weeps


Good shit! Stay till the end. George Harrison's son looks just like him when he was younger.