Hatebeak!

So, this gives me the idea that the next SPD album should have a different animal guest sing on each track. I think Bogie's baritone meowing would make a fine addition to a song about hot dogs.
Also, I am not a Parrot.

My Grand Prix Richmond Tournament Report

 

First off, this is the deck list I ran that Anthony had pretty much shown me a few days before. I had played a version of the deck once last fall when he came to visit me and wanted to test some modern and enjoyed playing it’s all in on a bunch of silly auras on silly creatures strategy, but I had little experience with it and little knowledge of the modern format beyond this limited playtesting.

Originally, I was thinking I wasn’t going to go to this tournament because I had a lot of assignments due after break, because I had so little experience in the modern format, because I wanted to save money and because whenever I hang around Anthony it means not eating until late for every meal and getting to sleep late so I knew it would wear me out. However, he talked me into going since it would be an experience being such a big tournament and he offered to pay for gas and hotel money. So it wasn’t until the Friday morning when the tournament actually started that I decided to go.

Anthony came and picked me up in Greensboro at my apartment on the way to Richmond during a fairly terrible ice storm where there was a powerline/tree limb down that was completely blocking one side of my road and most of the streetlights in the city were out because few places had power. As soon as he got out of the car with Delanio, who owns the shop we used to play at and sponsors the “team” from there, the idea was suggested that I could play under Austin’s name who did not think to get a ride to the shop so that he could carpool to Richmond. Delanio had already paid the $40 for Austin, so I agreed because I thought I wouldn’t do well since I didn’t know the format and this would save me the $40 entry fee.

Along with the two other Native guys who drove in a separate vehicle, we got to the tournament and watched a lecture by Patrick Chapin which was tremendously helpful in me understanding what the modern format was all about, including some of the best cards and an overview of many of the decks. Then we ate pizza and went back to the hotel to prepare our decks and get some sleep for the next morning’s tournament. I asked a bunch of questions about how the deck worked and how I should sideboard and felt like I started understanding the format and many of the dominant strategies better. I also watched some videos of it online that taught me some of the little tricks of the deck including the importance of being aggressive with mulliganing (going down to even 4 or 3 cards sometimes which I did multiple times during the tournament). Then I tried to get some sleep, but couldn’t sleep at all because Delanio did not bring his CPAP machine for sleep apnea and even lied to Anthony that he did and he made so much noise gasping for air the whole night that I don’t think I got more than a few hours of sleep.

The next morning, I got registered and saw GAC in my pod and talked to him for a long time which mostly involved listening to him talk about magic formats I didn’t know much about and about how he was going to be a financial auditor. The crazy thing was that since I was not knowledge about the format and not expecting to do well, I was not the least bit nervous that morning and in fact other than one small moment, did not feel nervous the entire time I played that day. The guy I was playing for had a first round bye, so I played against Anthony during the first round and got to understand the deck a little better. Then I won the first two rounds I played against some people who were competent, but not extremely strong players. The second guy I played tried to combo out two games against me with grapeshot and seemed to miscalculate how to do it right and fizzled out both times.

Then in the 4^th round, I was paired up with Craig Wescoe. When he first shook my hand and introduced himself as Craig, my first instinct was to say, “Oh Shit” in my head. However, right after that, I decided that I was not going to acknowledge that he was a pro so that I would not psych myself out and instead just treated it like another day at the office. I mulliganed down to 5 the first game and made a pretty critical mistake where I attacked with my auraed up boggle into an active knight of the reliquary not thinking about his ability to search up a fetch land and play abrupt decay on one of my auras to kill my guy. The attack essentially blew me out of this game, a game that I actually seemed to be winning up until that point. The second game I had a solid 7 card hand and despite his best efforts put solid pressure on him the entire game and ended up winning when he made a mistake not realizing that the kor spiritdance got +2/+2 for having keen sense on it as I attacked for the win. The third game I had to mulligan down to 4 and he had a couple of thoughtseizes making it almost impossible for me to come back. Even though I lost, I was happy to be able to go toe to toe with somebody who is one of the best magic players of all time and not get my ass beat into the ground.

At this point, I was expecting my second loss to come fairly soon and then a third so I could go do some side drafts, which I was looking forward to. However, the crazy thing was I never lost another match, even though there were some close calls. I ended up going 8-1 and making day 2. Most people I played were really nice. Many of them made some misplays that swung the matches in my favor, something I wasn’t entirely expecting in people who were winning that much. However, there was one guy I play in the middle rounds that got really angry at me for beating him in a couple of games that were not really close. He talked about how lucky I was to always draw what I needed and started cussing. I wished him good luck and all he said was pffft and rolled his eyes. I beat one deck which I only later learned was a meleria pod deck with two amazing hands without even having any idea what the deck did. All I saw was him play a kitchen finks and a spike feeder and I had no idea what he might be trying to do. I thumped a couple of scapeshift decks which I seemed to have a good matchup against and outplayed a tough zoo opponent by using daybreak coronet which they could do almost nothing about. Every time I won I was shocked and not expecting it to continue.

Now at the end of the first day standing at 8-1, we all start to talk about what I am going to do since I am not playing under my own name. What if I get matched up against a pro during day two and they put our match online as the feature match? What if I do well enough to get prizes and have to fill out the tax forms with the incorrect information? What if I even made top 8 and was found out as a fraud? Could both of us get banned? Would I even be able to get any prizes? Given all of these potential consequences, it pains me to say that I decided not to participate in day two and slept in a little later instead. One of the guys I was with even said he overheard someone who was overjoyed at the fact that their opponent did not show up to day 2. While I will always wonder how I might have done if I had continued playing and if I could have won the whole thing or at least made some money in prizes, I think it was best to not get both of us banned or in trouble.

The second day, I bombed in a side draft where I rare draft 10 rares most of them out of color, but at least made my money back. Then Anthony and I went undefeated in a two-headed giant sealed event that was a blast to play in. It was an exciting time and I am still a bit in shock that I ended up doing so well. And now I learned an important lesson that I will always play in tournaments under my own name. The entire saving money angle was silly had I stopped to think about it since the batterskull and playmat that you get for entering were worth more than $40. If I have time, I might try to go to some more big tournaments like this soon, since I was a blast seeing so many magic players all having fun at the same time. And that is what I did during my summer vacation.

Magic Personality Quiz

I found this magic player personality quiz, which at first I almost dismissed because the questions are often silly and dated, but in the end the result and write up were quite interesting. I would be curious to see what you all get.

Here are my results, which felt like the resonated well with my strengths and weaknesses as a player who does best with an intense level of focus. I haven't read the other 15 results, but this does seem like an interesting way to think about what kind of magic player you are that goes beyond the Spike, Timmy, and Johnny distinction.

Phil, you are a... Supercomputer (CDFG) Competitive Defensive Flexible Game-player

You're a serious player who's out there to win. You handle a lot of complex strategic ideas, gradually number-crunching and thinking your way to victory. 'That's the just the way it is' is the attitude of lesser beings than you. You're always analysing your game while it's happening and if things don't work out the way you want them to, you'll assess them frankly. If you didn't play as well as you could have done then you'll admit the mistake. You know that it's only by acknowledging your weaknesses that you become stronger. You think a lot about how you play. Great ideas for your strategy hit you when you're in the shower or driving along the road. You know the value of preparation but you also know that it's never possible to predict exactly what's going to happen in a game. If things aren't working out quite how you expect them to, you think on your feet, changing your calculations until it all adds up. You're by nature a defensive player. You believe in taking measured and carefully reasoned out moves rather than piling everything in for a big attack as soon as the game begins. You're not a big risk-taker. As far as you're concerned laying everything on the line to take a chance is a sign of weakness. There's no need to risk jeopardising everything when you have everything under control. We say: When it comes to thinking things out before a game and thinking on your feet during it, nobody does it better. It's impressive how you spend your time working on improving your game, studying strategy articles and thinking things through. Developing your person-watching skills will make you even better. You'll get advance warning about what your opponent's going to do by noticing his reactions to what he draws. Some people will pull some pretty smart tricks - chatting to you before the game to lull you into a false sense of security, talking to you during the game to get you where they want you. People like you who focus purely on the game are being genuine when they do this, but others may not be... Be ready for when you play against people like this - nobody can read you like a book, but Supercomputers run the risk of getting hacked.

How Oreos are Harvested for Their Natural Resources

So I know that you are all huge fans of the show Unwrapped on BET. It has this sort of cosmic, trance-like, sleep inducing tone, music and voice overs that served as my only source of recreation between the years of 2003-2007. However, as technology has come full circle in our modern society, so has the show Unwrapped! Now we to have get natural resources from everywhere we can. Where else do you think, cocaine, gunpowder, and sugar come from, you dingus? Get your smoke buckets! Here we go!

)

Fuck yeah! Slam that shit!

Heroes 3 vs. Heroes 2

So I want to examine two of my favorite games of all time (and possibly my favorite Strategy series). I have played the shit out of both Heroes 2 and 3 so much I can't honestly decide which one I like better (or which one I've played more). Both games have their merits. Heroes 2 has an awesome look and feel, with a killer soundtrack. All the towns (while unbalance as shit) feel unique and have their own unique style of play that goes along with them. And most importantly each one is fun to play with.

With Knights and Barbarians, you want to play aggressively and pick off your opponents before they build up. Wizard and Warlock, you want to sit back and snatch up resources so you can get your tier 6 units (You've basically won the game once you get a stack of about 15 black dragon, unless of course someone else has dragons), and the sorceress is all about having a quick strike force of shooters and fliers backed up by dwarfs and unicorns. The Necromancer's units are unremarkable save for two of them: Skeletons and Vampire lords. While Skeletons have no special abilities stat-wise they are are the best level one units and due to the necromancy skill you get a fuckload of them. Vampire lords are able to drain the life off of an enemy stack and replenish themselves.

In Heroes 3 the towns are lot more consistent in power at the cost of the uniqueness of the towns . The general strategy for each town feels very much the same. Each town didn't lend itself to any particular style of play due to the fact that towns were given access . Every non-neutral unit has an upgraded version of itself. The upgraded units definitely balance out the game creature-wise and resource-wise, but at the same time the upgrades feel very arbitrary. On the other hand, the upgrades in Heroes 2 were more logical, but alsomore flavorful. How do you upgrade a wolf or a dumbass peasant? Upgrading an ogre with better gear or giving elves better bows makes more sense. Ima end this here since I don't remember what else I was gonna say.

Matt Damon

Maaaatt Damon Damon Damon Matt Damon! Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaatt DAAAAAMON!

Matt Damon used thundershock. He got a critical miss and poked his eye out.

Great Moments in eBay Item Description History

It is also very important that I share this eBay item description that I discovered back in 2004 and have kept as a file on my computer ever since. As I recall the auction was going for over $30 at the time I saw it.

This is a crazy story that I wouldn't have believed had it not happened to me. I am not prone or drawn to the supernatural, and in fact I have a strong Christian support system, but what I experienced has no other explanation than the unexplained. This is a true story about a Rubber Ducky. I don't feel that in good conscience I can keep this thing in my house, it wouldn't be fair to my family and frankly I've lost enough sleep over it as it is. I spoke at length with my Pastor and together we came up with the idea to sell it with full disclosure, any other method and we would risk the Duck falling into unsuspecting hands. We knew that the only way to get rid of him without personal condemnation was to be open, honest and forthright. We knew the person getting the duck would have to know the whole story and accept the consequences freely. We felt the only way to do this was to be sure the story would be read, understood and accepted.

So here it is. My son, now 2, received this rubber ducky as a gift from an Aunt when he was approximately 10 or 11 months old. He was very enthusiastic about his bath time and loved the new addition to the tub. He named the duck "Yella", his personal pronunciation of Yellow and of course the color of the duck. Now as with most kids their tastes change and can be at times fickle, in fact suggesting that all kids have some level of ADD would not be a stretch. Soon Yella had lost some of his appeal in the eyes of my son, he requested the ducks company less and less as time wore on, until such a time where Yella was all but forgotten. We originally thought nothing of it, then as time went on my son began to speak more and was able to articulate his thoughts he started referring more and more to his old friend Yella. The problem was that it wasn’t in a positive or childish manner. In fact it was really quite disturbing, he repeatedly made reference to fights he and Yella had, and a subsequent scar inflicted on the left side of the ducks head. At first we just figured he had an active imagination and that eventually he would forget about Yella, but he never did. In fact each time he told the story he did it with more detail and more emotion until his Mother and I finally forbid him from telling the story at all. In fact my wife was so distressed she searched out the duck and vowed to dispose of it. At this point our son had an unnerving attachment to Yella, he would never let the duck out of his sight. He was never affectionate towards the duck, he just insisted that the toy always be around no matter what. He was about a year and half by now and there was certainly no bargaining with him, every time we tried to take the toy our son would lose it, literally crying bloody murder. Needless to say there was no way of coaxing the duck away and despite our best efforts the stories continued. We hoped and prayed that his obsession with Yella would pass with time, we even found ourselves spoiling him in an effort to replace the duck. It was useless.

One night our Son and Yella were having a bath together with several of the other bath toys collected over the course of the previous year, there was a boat, a whale, a starfish, a small action figure and some miscellaneous plastic tools. Our Son's overall interest in Yella had dwindled to the point of sheer indifference. In fact if he had his way the duck wouldn't have even been in the tub, instead it was because of his Mother's lapse in judgement that Yella was included at all. He went about playing and splashing with his other toys, all the while ignoring the duck, intentionally or not. It was at this point our son noticed the other toys in the tub changing shape, distorting and losing their color into the water. He didn't understand what was happening but he knew something wasn't right, he also noticed that Yella was eerily positioned at the end of the tub, dead center and facing him directly. He also noticed the ducks shape hadn’t changed and his color appeared to be as bright as ever. It seemed as though the toys were melting before him. It was at this point that he reached out to grab the duck, almost mesmerized by his yellow body. As he grabbed the duck he felt a piercing pain in the palm of his hand and immediately threw the toy back into the water, he was sure he had been bitten. Anger flooded our son and again he grabbed at Yella and this time he wasted no time in throwing the duck across the room. The duck crashed against the raised corner of the toilet paper holder, bounced off the wall and came to rest at my feet as I now stood in the doorway of the bathroom. By now my wife was aware of our son's rage and the events taking place, she threw down her magazine, jumped off her stool and lunged across the washroom toward our son. She scooped him up into her arms. My wife and I looked at each other as we tried desperately to process the evidence before us, all the while our little one cried and shouted at the Rubber Ducky on the floor.

As I mentioned before, if it had not happened to us I would've never given it a second thought and I certainly would have dismissed the author as a quack and the story as a farce. We immediately checked the temperature of the water, it was luke warm. We searched the bathroom high and low for chemicals or agents which may have caused this reaction in the toys, nothing was found. Our son was not burned and with the exception of a small cut on the palm of his hand, there was no sign of injury. Being cautious we packed our son in the car and headed for the emergency room, as expected nothing was found to be abnormal. We then rushed to the home of our Pastor, We've never been fanatical with respect to our religious beliefs, but we felt like there was something unholy and unexplainable hear that needed to be addressed. Our Pastor assured us there had to be an earthly explanation, but at the same time he had an unsettled look that left us feeling doubtful. We left and headed home, exhausted and anxious to put this night behind us. At home we rushed upstairs to our sons room, got him into his pajammas and said our good night prayers. Our son seemed distant and agitated but soon relented to his own exhaustion. My wife and I returned downstairs to the main floor bathroom and the scene of this evenings event. Everything was as we left it, with one exception, Yella was back in the tub, dead center and facing us directly. We looked at each other in the hope the other would appear calm and composed, it didn't happen, instead we starred at each other waiting for an acknowledgement of who had put the duck back in the tub. That didn't happen either. I immediately grabbed up the duck and without hesitation placed him in the closest container I could find, a Tupperware style container on the counter in the kitchen. I then stormed out the garage and tossed the container on the workbench while I headed back in the house to try and comprehend what had just happened. It was at this point I picked up the phone and called our Pastor and how we find ourselves in the position we are in today.
I can't explain what happened, and the sooner I can put the events of that night and this duck behind me, the better off I'll be.

I will not be responsible for the duck after shipping, I will not field questions or help to explain its unusual mystique. I want nothing to do with it. The winning bidder must understand this. I don't want someone to find this thing in a Dumpster or buy it at a garage sale, I want the person who gets it to understand what they have and not to take it lightly, and for Gods sake I don't want it near children. I'd be just as happy if you buried it in the Tupperware container it's still in.
I hope you can respect my wishes.
Thank you.
]



This is the story from the original listing. I myself, a headstrong idiot, bought it from a third party. This duck is truly inhabited by the devil himself. I cannot live with it. The OUjia board that was in my house kept setting itself up at night. I threw it outside went to bed, and woke up the nest morning. The board was sitting on the table, set and on the word YES. The next morning, after i had decided not to touch the board, i was skipping through channels. As i skipped quickly words from ramdom tv shows begain to form a word. The word i could of swore i heard was Lucifer. This story is true to what i have told you. I do not know about the outer-world, but what i have seen and experienced is true. The picture i have listed was a picture i took with  my child. I did not know this was the duck until my wife told me. The next morning there was a burn mark on my childs hand. I cannot, aloow this to be in my house any longer.

Great Moments in YouTube Comment History

In this edition of Great Moments in YouTube Comment History, I take you back to a mere few hours ago, when a glorious YouTuber made this post on a CNN news story about the death of Harold Ramis. Finally, the world will know the true story!

Harold Ramis' legacy also included ripping off my idea for a comedy about a man who gets himself cloned. In 1994, I sent Ramis a 20 page outline for a proposed screenplay I offered to write for him for a small fee. My story was called CLONED but Ramis had his secretary from Greenlight Productions phone me to say he was not interested in directing a film about a man who gets cloned. But in 1996, less than two years later, Ramis released Multiplicity with Michael Keaton, a comedy about a man who gets cloned. It was a stupid, idiotic film with no laughs in it. There was nothing funny about it at all. It bombed at the box office and Ramis looked like a gerk for making it. Had he dealt fairly with me and paid me a salary and given me story credit, I would've written a clever and funny script for him but instead, Harold Ramis elected to rip me off by rejecting my 20 page outline and then going ahead and making the movie anyway. He's dead and off the earth now? I won't miss him. I wonder how many other writers he ripped off besides me. I despise what he did to me.

A Video I Put Up on the Youtubes!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfnA4iUk_p4

Sliver Queen vs. Cranial Extraction

So, Ima gonna be a total asshole in this post to someone who was but a little boy and I am fully aware of that, but it is the one day of the year where I am allowed to be an asshole!

So, back in the golden year of 2004, when men were men and donkeys were chickens and all of the girls smelled like cream cheese, young Tommy opened a cranial extraction, the hot chase rare of the current set valued at at $20 (how quaint!). A few weeks later, I wanted to trade this cranial extraction to a weird guy who drank too much caffeine and lived in a trailer in Hillsborough with magic cards covering the floor of every room (He would later go on to film himself comboing off with dragon storm on some little kid and throwing the card in his face). Tommy, however, refused to let me make this trade because he wanted to hold on to his cranial extraction even though I new cranial extraction was a card that would drop once it rotated out of standard, while Sliver Queen would continue to rise as slivers would always be popular until the end of time or the length of John Stamos's career, whichever comes first. I pleaded with him and he would not do it. If I remember correctly, I believe Tommy ended up trading the Cranial Extraction to Skippy for half of a root beer, a Mogg Flunkie and a dirty sock. I just want to point out that Cranial Extraction is currently valued at about $1 and Sliver Queen is currently valued at $42.

Sorry, Tomy. I'm done being self righteous and I'm sure Emperor Cladius has a special place in purgatory for people like me. You are now allowed to rub jam in my shoes and put bananas under my pillow at some time when I am not paying attention. Also, Philville will offer you political asylum if you ever are force to flee from your home country because your government decrees that you are legally obligated to eat a stick of deodorant.

Drunken Mutant Boar Hunting

Join the fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was looking at help wanted ads and found this one for a dishwasher at Dave and Busters.  I thought it was too good not to post.  Keep in mind this job probably pays minimum wage and these guys are actually trying to recruit new dishwashers.

YOU WILL BE GREAT AT D&B IF:

• The kitchen is a way of life and you can rock the Hobart!
• You can rock a Friday night and not break a single dish!
• You are willing to do whatever it takes and there’s no job you will not do!
• Sanitation is the name of the game.
• You have a friendly engaging style that our coworkers enjoy!
• You love working for a growing company.
• You live, love and embrace a fun, upbeat culture.

DAY IN THE LIFE...

• When you wake up, going to work actually sounds like it could be cool!
• Dress the part - Chef pants and coat, it does not get better than that!
• Come in, clock in and join the fun!
• Quality adherence and sanitation are just a given!
• We work hard and we play hard, so when you need it - take a break.
• Back to the floor, showing endless fun!
• The shift is over – Everything is clean and put away, clock out and call it a day!

SCHEDULE

• Days, nights and weekends, we can find a time.
• First job or second job, it does not matter! Enjoy schedule flexibility!

LEGAL MAKES US SAY

• You can read the Full Job Description by clicking on this link!