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Tobacco Is Wacko If You're A Teen

Important Semi-Official Blog Announcement:

THIS BLOG DOES NOT IN ANYWAY WHATSOEVER ENDORSE SMOKING.  SMOKING IS EVIL AND SOME RECENT STUDIES SUGGEST THAT IT MAY CAUSE HAPPINESS COUGHING. IF YOU SMOKE YOU WILL NOT GET INTO HEAVEN.  SMOKING IS THE REASON MOST PEOPLE CANNOT PERFORM AWESOME TASKS SUCH AS FLYING AND SLAM DUNKING LIKE SHAQ.  STALIN, HITLER, AND GODZILLA ALL SMOKED AND LOOK AT THEM NOW.  DEAD.  AGAIN, DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY HAVE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE THIS BLOG DOES NOT IN ANY CONCEIVABLE WAY WHATSOEVER ENDORSE SMOKING.

Obama Comics the Movie

I've been thinking about doing a kickerstarter to finance Obama comics the Movie. Thoughts? Concerns? Will this be ego-driven project that only I will find funny? Yes. Is this a clever way to get some beer money. Yes.

Here's how this will work:
I sit down and learn animation at the most rudimentary possible level and then imbibe fine alcohol until I am drunk. After these actions I will procede to make a movie about all the evil shit Obama does and voice act everything. I will probably have to finish it once I sober up, but I feel I can make a dynomite product.

I heard Joe C liked Reba

Hey guys, I'm busy running a burger empire and working on grad school applications, but I wanted to make a quick post about how Joey loves the musical styling of Reba, so much that he likes her on Facebook. He also likes Ashley Tisdale, JB, MJ, and holy fuck this is why I hate going into the music section with people. Every 2 fucking sections I hear, "Ho man Tommy, I bet you like Katy Perry HAR HAR HAR." The joke is that I obviously don't, but it gets made a minimum of 12.5 times before we get through the cd section. Don't even get me started about the barbie isle at Toys R' Us.

I Should Probably Do Something Constructive... Oops SKYRIM!

As you all may have heard I'm really getting into Vinyl Records now.  I'm trying to build a respectable collection of records to add to our already schweet 60's - 70's era collection.  I currently only have Arcade Fire's Funeral for new stuff but I'm trying to get a couple new albums.  Below is my list of possibles.  I'm getting 2 albums.  My taste in music varies over time but vinyl is forever so I need to pick a couple solid items.  Wanted to see what you guys would pick because I can't narrow it down.  If there's any awesome possibilities I'm forgetting feel free to let me know.  List:

Sun Kil Moon - Ghosts of the Great Highway
Spoon - Girls Can Tell
Frightened Rabbit - Midnight Organ Fight
Broken Social Scene - You forgot in people
Blink 182 - Blink 182
Archers of Loaf - White Trash Heroes
Foo Fighters - The Color And The Shape
Bon Iver - For Emma
Nirvana - Nevermind
U2 - Joshua Tree
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication

Also the kitty keeps taking the one ring off the monkey puppet's hand and walking around with it in his mouth.  Is this why he's so fucking crazy?

Christmas Commander Time

I think it's time to start thinking about Christmas Commanders. If you are still interested, I would turn a commander of your choice into an ancient version. To recap, the first ones I did were in Ugaritic, and the second group were Akkadian (in Old Babylonian script). I can do Akkadian in Neo-Assyrian script in clay or Middle Egyptian on papyrus, archaic Hebrew, Phoenician, or Old Aramaic on clay or potsherds. You are welcome to choose whatever you'd like, although for Egyptian or Akkadian, commanders with less text would be better. Also, I was thinking that if someone wanted a Theros commander, perhaps master Thomas could translate it into Greek/Latin and then Veronica could do the art (maybe based on some period relevant art provided by T-wizzle). I know wizards has done promo cards in Latin and Greek, so that would be a good starting place to see how they dealt with some of the technical terms. So sound off in the comments with what you'd like.

Point-Counter Point: I want my Fucking Nuggets

Point:
 Dear Mac Donalds of Toledo,
So I kind came to this MackyD's for breakfast wanting some nuggets. Much to my chagrin, they currently unavailable. I think that not serving chicken nuggets at 6am is terrible business practice. Moreover, it's a crime against humanity. I didn't train for years under master Roshi honing my technique, carefully building my chi powers, and pushing the limits of my mind and body to be denied my fried chicken breast meat nuggets. I would like to formally petition MacDonald's HQ to alter their erroneous ways. Because  at the end of the day, I'm a hard working gal who just wants some chicken titty meat.
-Sincerely
Melodi Dushane







Counter-point:
Bitch what the hell are you talking about? This is god damn mac donalds not a motherfucking french deli. Lower your damn expectations. You ain't no super sayian. You probably couldn't handle that punk-bitch Radtiz. Calm down. There's a chicken sandwhich that's basically a chicken nugget in an egg mcmuffin. Sit the fuck down and order that. Aw hell no. Did you just bust the window? Woman, your power level so high. I guess we have no choice but to make you chicken nuggets. Not. You can't even Kamhehameha. How do you expect to take on Frieza?
Sincerly,
Fuck you.

Christianity is Stupid

This song not only summarizies my entire worldview in a succinct and direct manner, but also could be an excellent SPD cover . . .

America

We don't have no plastic L.A. Frynds,
ain't on the edge of no popular trend.
Ain't never seen the inside of that magazine GQ.
We don't care if you 're a lawyer, or a texas oil man,
or some waitress busting ass in some liquor stand.
If you got Soul
We hang out with people just like you

My hair's turning white,
my neck's always been red,
my collar's still blue,
we've always been here
just trying to sing the truth to you.
Yes you could say
we've always been,
Red, White, and Blue

Ride our own bikes To Sturgis
we pay our own dues,
smoking camels, drinking domestic BREWS
You want to know where I have been
just look at my hands
Yeah, I've driven by the White House,
Spent some time in jail.
Momma cried but she still wouldn't pay my bail.
I ain't been no angel,
But even God, he understands.

My hair's turning white,
my neck's always been red,
my collar's still blue,
we've always been here
just trying to sing the truth to you.
Yes you could say
we've always been,
Red, White, and Blue

Yeah that's right!

My Daddy worked hard, and so have I,
paid our taxes and gave our lives
to serve this great country
so what are they complaining about

Yeah we love our families, we love our kids
you know it is love that makes us all so rich
That's where were at,
If they don't like it they can just
get the HELL out!

Yeah!

My hair's turning white,
my neck's always been red,
my collar's still blue,
we've always been here
just trying to sing the truth to you.
Yes you could say
we've always been,
Red, White, and Blue

oh..oh..Red, White, and Blue....

Red, White, and Blue

oh..oh....Red, White, and Blue

Just Watch the opening part as the camera angle shifts up and down, and Glen Beck blathers aimlessly. I feel as if Beck is trying to hypnotize his audience into thinking using the N-Word is okay.
http://youtu.be/cPEvbc2yJHw

Top 10 Dragon's Maze Cards for Commander, Part 2

5. Sire of Insanity

Sire of Insanity will steal your lunch money and then use it to buy pornography and sneak the pornography in your locker and tip off the principal so you will get suspended and your mom will take away your Playstation. He is a jerk with the Midas touch and he does not fuck around. There is not waiting until he dies or until your next upkeep. No, he makes everyone lose their hand immediately while leaving his beefy body around to bully all the utility creatures on the board. Sire really punishes slower decks and if you are able to accelerate him out early could be quite devastation at bringing the game to a standstill while everyone is in top deck mode. Granted if people are playing graveyard recursion you might end up helping them more than hurting them, but you can always play graveyard recursion yourself or be packing a fair amount of graveyard hate. He is powerful and in the right situation can net you a huge amount of card advantage, but expect for your opponents to be unhappy if you play with him.

4. Master of Cruelties

If Sire of Insanity is the school's worst bully, then Master of Cruelties is the kid that he is afraid of. Master of Cruelities is that kid that is lighting matches in the hallway and always talking about how he loves the smell of fire. He has never shared in his life, not even in Kindergarten, he has no concern for the well-being or feelings of others and his sole motivation in life is causing destruction. You have no doubts in your mind that he will end up in prison before the age of 18. Voracious Cobra is already quite a potent card in EDH at scaring away opposing attackers or getting in for damage  and this is a powerful upgrade for only one mana more. Except for a small subset of creatures like other first strikers or indestructible creatures, Master of Cruelties will be able to kill anything in combat and survive, yet it is essential for your opponents to throw their creatures away and block because they will often be taking 20+ damage from one hit from this guy. Being at 1 in a multiplayer game is one of the worst strategic positions you can be in since it makes you so vulnerable and forces you to play defensively to keep yourself alive. And lord have mercy if you equip a whispersilk cloak to him. Despite being a jerk of the highest magnitude and putting a huge target on your head, Master of Cruelties is insanely powerful and probably worth the risk.

3. Teysa, Envoy of Ghosts

Full disclosure: I have built a Teysa deck that was inspired by my Zuberica deck and although it a bit of a good stuff deck and still needs some work, I'm already quite happy with its power level and fun factor. Although since seven mana is a steep price to pay for a general, Teysa might be better as an inclusion in your 99 cards than as your commander, but I think she still has a lot of potential as a general. Also, despite having the built in protection from creatures which is an awesome ability to have on a commander, it is unfortunate to have Teysa killed by a wrath or spot removal right after you play her and then have to get up to 9 mana to recast her in colors that don't have much ramp. However, if Teysa does stick around she is amazing at stabilizing your board and discouraging people from attacking you. She can already block about any ground creature and live but also kills any creatures that do get through to you. Who will want to attack into Teysa and lose all their creatures unless they can kill you that turn? Meanwhile since your defenses are built up you can still be attacking with unblocked Teysa each turn and she wears equipment quite well. It is a rare card that can play defense so well, while also being a solid contributor on offense.

2. Pontiff of Blight

Extort is quite powerful in multiplayer and this is most powerful extort card from multiplayer that Wizards printed. Given a decent number of creatures on the board, this makes every spell you play have an exsanguinate kicker. All this damage and lifegain will add up quickly and allow you to play defense with all of your creatures while draining everyone out turn after turn. This guy might seem unassuming, but, in most cases, is one of those creatures you have to kill right after it hits the board if you don't want that player to run away with the game.

1. Debt to the Deathless

Exsanuinate 2.0. Yes, please. Sure it is much slower and more mana intensive, but once you hit seven mana this is simply better for the price than exsanuinate and the upside just gets better and better from there. From the fact that it plays so well with extort and that it simultaneously helps you kill your opponents while gaining you so much life, I expect this card to see a lot of play as a finisher in grindy, long-game decks.

Honorable Mentions: 
Trostani's Summoner
Savageborn Hydra
Obzedat's Aid
Ready/Willing
Wear/Tear

Top 10 Dragon's Maze Cards for Commander

Now new and improved with (hopefully) 100% fewer silly mistakes, my top ten commander list is back with Dragon's Maze to make your day 110% more exciting.

10. Zhur-Taa Ancient

While he does come with his risks, Zhur-Taa Ancient is a sizeable body for only 5 mana. Seven power is nothing to sneeze at, allowing him to command some decent board presence. However, the real reason this old guy with the huge neck makes it on the list is his mana doubling ability. At first glance, doubling everyone's mana at the table might seem like it is putting you at a massive disadvantage since all of your opponents get access to double the mana before you do. Yet, they will not necessarily be using all of that mana to go after you, especially if there is someone more powerful at the table and in the right position it can be an excellent way to boost certain players at the table to accelerate their board presence or pull off a massive fireball to catch up with a player who is running away with the game. Also, since he is only 5 mana, later in the game, you could easily be able to play him and some other meaningful spells within the same turn. In fact, if you build your deck correctly, you should be able to take advantage of his effect better than anyone else at the table because you are playing mana ramp and/or awesome X spells like genesis wave. His biggest downside that stops him from being higher on the list is the Hunted Wumpus effect (where someone just drops a nekrataal to kill it when his enter the battlefield ability triggers) since one of your opponents could  play some huge creature and then have mana left over to throw a STP at the ancient.

9. Ruric Thar, the Unbowed

At number 9, Gruul slams in there with another explosively game-changing, if awkward beater in Ruric Thar. Ruric has a potent combination of abilities with vigilance, reach and most importantly dealing 6 damage to a player whenever they cast a noncreature spell. The last ability will vary greatly in power; it will completely hose some decks and do almost nothing against creature heavy decks. It's hard to believe that any player who will be messed up by this card will not want to kill it as soon as possible taking six damage in the process to avoid much more later. However, it is a great way to give an aggressive deck more reach, since it punishes your enemies for clearing the board or countering your kill spells to stay alive and they are in real trouble if they are at 6 or less life. Yet, despite its aggressive pedigree, it still serves as an excellent blocker, killing or trading with all but the most massive fliers in commander. His biggest downside is the fact that he has to attack every turn. Sure, the vigilance helps mitigate some of this downside, but the truth is that sometimes the board will be so clogged where anyone he attacks will kill him and that is just terrible to lose an impressive creature for no reason. I guess Wizards wanted to emphasize the recklessness of Gruul this time around with these two.

8. Progenitor Mimic

Like all clone effects, Progenitor Mimic takes a big hit in commander from the new legendary rules changes. Not being able to take out any commander despite hexproof or other shenanigans, makes clones much less flexible. However, repeatedly copying the best nonlegendary creature (even if it has hexproof on the board is an ability that can carry the game away post haste. Imagine the mimic copying Terrastodon or Simic Sky Swallower every turn. The mimics biggest downside is it needs time to start working. If somebody wraths or if you are under a lot of pressure, it is not the best creature to be playing, but in games where you can get him to stick around for multiple turns in a row gaining you massive board presence or card advantage in the process, there are few better creatures.

7. Melek, Izzet Paragon

Melek is a fun, build-around general unlike any of the other Izzet generals in that he isn't overpowered and annoying like Jhoira of the Ghitu, screaming for infinite combos like Niv-Mizzet, the Firemind or absurdly underpowered like Tibor and Lumia. Playing with all the most powerful instants and sorceries and finally having a general that supports those cool instant/sorcery cards like Sphinx-Bone Wand seems like a blast and a deck that would play differently that your average commander deck. Melek is one of those rare cards that feels like he hits a home run for both Timmy and Johnny and I'd expect to see a lot of him at kitchen tables for years to come.

6. Tajic, Blade of the Legion

From the piddliest of 0/1 to overcosted 3/3s, any creature that has indestructability has to be on your radar for commander playability. Darksteel Gargoyle is a French vanilla creature that costs 3 more mana than he would without indestructability but he is still a servicable addition to commander decks. So when I saw a legendary indestructable rare with an explosive ability in the same vein as Konda but much cheaper, I wet pants a little bit. Sure if you are unable to get batallion to trigger he is little better than the likes of Darksteel Gargoyle (although any general that is hard to kill deserves consideration in voltron strategies), but unblocked his batallion ability makes him a three turn clock. Cramming your deck full of the best voltron equipment, holy mantle effects and evasive utility creatures and beaters to trigger batallion (hello Soltari Guerillas) will make a fun aggressive deck. Sure, you have to jump through a few hoops to make him as effective as possible, but having built in protection makes your strategy much more resilient to much of the removal played in commander.

Check back soon for the top 5.