The Robots have gone Berzerk!!! (Janitor Joe DOS Game Review)

For some unexplained reason, the robots have gone Berzerk!!! on your space station and, you a lowly janitor named Joe, are the only Human they know of. Not only are you responsible for cleaning the entire automated space station by yourself without health insurance or overtime pay but now you are on your own against an army of pissed off robots. Sounds like time to start updating your resume and looking for another job!!!


Your keys, your only salvation to the escape of spending the rest of your life floating in outer space, are scattered all across the automated space station. Overlooking the fact that every good janitor has their keys attached to a massive keyring on their belt loop, Joe is a crafty fellow, capable of moving in four different directions and jumping; indeed, with your help, Joe is able to perform duties well in excess of his job description.


All this has me thinking that this whole situation, this whole game really, could have been avoided if Joe had spent a little more time with his guidance counselor in high school. Joe is an man of unparalleled skill and intelligence, and aside from lacking organization skills, could have a star athlete, a CEO of a grape juice company, a therapist specializing in mechanized anger, or even President of Space.

In the end, Janitor Joe stands as a grim distopian view of the future where people are forced into occupations unsuitable for them with dangerous work environments and where robots become angry. This game should stand as a warning to us all that we need to take a proactive stance now by being nice to robots so that their first experience with emotion will be happiness.

The Circle of Life

For every baby that is made you must kill another baby.
It is the circle of life.
Babies are like the river of life,
there must be a constant flow of baby life and death.
The universe will fall into chaos.
The baby won't give a fuck,
he just gets shitty fingers all over things
then like barfs everywhere.
To baby, the order of things makes no difference.
He just pees on what he wants,
then watches cartoons.
Babies are like adorable but priks at the same time,
like the lovable guy you know from high school,
mad unreliable, but so damn charismatic (okay sexy sometimes)
that you can't hate him.

Poop or Chocolate?

1.2.
3.

4.

Summer 2008 Rum and Coke Mix

During summer of 2008 in a more innocent time before 9/11, I was living in a 14 room nursing home. At night, I could turn up the music as loud as I wanted because I was the only one there. This is what I was listening to:

Drinking in a cramped 1 bedroom with an awesome view of some powerlines, I first heard this song on Phil's play list. He had no idea where it came from.
Lauryn Hill: Lose Myself

I heard of Lemon Jelly first from Phil listening to the song "Nice Weather For Ducks" in his car on the way to Sonic. Although there are no ducks specifically mentioned in this song, I'm sure Phil will find some way it relates to ducks.
Lemon Jelly: Stay With You

Somehow this song fits the morning routine. I have since become a big fan of MGMT. I will forever associate the song "Kids" with the book "The Road."
MGMT: Destrokk

This song reminds of the time the band's bus had a blow-out and we spent the night in Wichita. -98 degrees. Ronnie Van Zant, Greg T. Walker and 3 huskies didn't make it.
Gnarls Barkley: Going On

For some reason this track reminds me of the Special Olympics.
M83: We Own The Sky

I downloaded the whole Gorillaz Repertoire at the beginning of the summer. This song will forever remind me of my brothers and I scrubbing the shit out of the floor with a Mr. Clean sponge. We never did get those marks up...
Gorillaz: O Green World

Hopefully, this week I'll have a chance to get these songs up for download. Check back.

My Playlist

Learning To Fly - Tom Petty/Pink Floyd
Into The Great Wide Open - Tom Petty
The Sky Above, The Field Below - Explosions In The Sky
We Own The Sky - M83
Over The Hills And Far Away - Led Zeppelin
Return To Hot Chicken - Yo La Tengo
Great Southern Land - Icehouse
Terra Nova - I Like Trains

First Breath After A Coma - Explosions In The Sky
Wake Up - The Walkmen
Revenge Wears No Wrist Watch - The Walkmen
Everyone Who Pretended To Like Me Is Gone - The Walkmen
So Long, Lonesome - Explosions In The Sky
Welcome, Ghosts - Explosions In The Sky

Testing - CKY
The Purple Bottle - Animal Collective
A Rush of Blood to the Head - Coldplay
Disengage the Simulator - CKY
Tripping Billies - Dave Matthews
Beautiful World - Coldplay
Title and Registration - Death Cab
Black and White Town - Doves
Clocks - Coldplay
Another Brick in The Wall - Pink Floyd
Life on a Chain - Pete Yorn
Bouncing Around The Room - Phish
California Dreaming - The Mama's and The Papa's

Beautiful Day - U2
Island In The Sun - Weezer
Beach Party Tonight - Yo La Tengo
Swingin' - Tom Petty
Losing A Whole Year - 3rd Eye Blind

What is Love - Haddaway
Cupid's Choke Hold - Gym Class Heroes
Smiley Faces - Gnarls Barkley
I Heard You Looking - Yo La Tengo
Only In Dreams - Weezer

TV - TV on The Radio
Huddle Formation - The Go Team
We Are Not The Football Team - Minus The Bear

In Circles - Sunny Day Real Estate
Lost In The Supermarket - Afghan Whigs/ The Clash
Don't Cry Out - Shiny Toy Guns
Closing Time - Semisonic
Let's Talk About Spaceships - Say Hi To Your Mom

Storms - The Appleseed Cast
New York This Morning - Roman Candle
Glass, Concrete, and Stone - David Byrne
Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money in My Hand - Primitive Radio Gods
Umbrella - Rihanna
Why Does It Always Rain On Me? - Travis

Weekends of Sound - 764 Hero
Forever Young - Alphaville
You Were the Long Way Home - 764 Hero
Mercy Kiss - Abandoned Pools
The Last Day Of Summer - The Cure

Can't Hardly Wait - The Replacements
Fake Empire - The National
Where The Streets Have No Name - U2
Apocalypse Please - Muse

Hugo's House of Horrors Computer Game Review

The year was 1988 during the deep recession of the Regan-era, where times were so tight that your girlfriend Penelope decided it was worth 9 dollars an hour to babysit at a house with a dinner party of monsters so monstrous that Dracula would shit his pants. You play the role of Hugo, fresh from spending your last 5 dollars at the thrift store so that you could buy a light blue sweat shirt and purple blue jeans to look sharp for your new adventure game.



Little did you know that there were no babies in this house. In fact the locked door, creepy eyes, human-eating dog, Alex-Trebec-like-old-man-in-a-boat, and crazy mad scientist would be enough to deter most normal people from babysitting at this house, but the truth is that Penelope's attempt to babysit at the house of horrors was more a cry for help than an attempt at an adventure game. You see, Peneplope was so ashamed that she was dating Hugo, considering his lack of fashion sense, his vast knowledge of obscure trivia, his stalker tendencies, and his tiny penis, that she was attempting suicide. Hugo's heroic attempts to save her were little more than the game creator's attempt at trying to make the girl he lusted after in high school fall in love with him 15 years later. If only Stacey Madison played computer games . . .

If you ever feel the urge to relive the pathetic life of recession-ear Hugo, you would be better off opening up MS Paint from your start button, drawing a picture of a house, and emptying your bowels onto your computer monitor.

Tommy Timeline Pt.2

301 BC: Tommy conquers France.
319 BC: Tommy conquers Turkey, Greece, and Egypt!
320 BC: Tommy conquers Afghanistan and Pakistan!
321 BC: Tommy conquers India, securing his title as RULER OF THE WORLD!
321 BC: Tommy ushers the Hellenistic Era, Plays Game Boy Advanced!
322 BC: Tommy doesn't conquer China, but who gives a fuck about China or the rest of the Eastern World in Historical Times? I know Tommy doesn't.
323 BC: Tommy spends 620,865 years in The Hyperbolic Time Chamber. 1701 years pass in the real world. Tommy grows immensely powerful, able to reach Super Tommy at will, even when not fighting Freezaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhlemonadeisrefreshingahhhhhhh.
2001: Hey kid, I'm a computer. Stop all the downloading.
2002: Tommy travels back in time to stop the Library of Alexandretta from being burned down by HOBGOBLINS only to find out that Garfield's Great Adventure is checked out. He then lights the match that sets humankind's development back 1,000 years!
48 BC: Tommy travels back to 2009 only to find out that they haven't invented flying chickens yet. He then burns down the interne

A Big anouncement

Hi all, I hope March madness is leading you to gladness.
I have some super duper news guys. This is bigger than Shaq.
I talked with the fellow senior at my school and his interest was strong.
We are starting a Cindy Lauper cover band to resurrect such wonderful classic rock music for the younger generation to enjoy. Her music is an inspiration to my feminine side, and made me less ashamed of my frequent cross dressing (notice I said only LESS). The roles of singer (taken by yours truly) and piccilo player are filled. We need: a drummer, bassist, guitarist, manager, refreshment provider, and cheer provider. Description of who we need: we only want people who in it to win it, so check your negativity at the door. Must want to move and grove, and bring smiles to everyone's faces. I want to see strong positive powerful attitudes. No prior experience required. Interested in the position, call my business line (don't be intimidated, we're quite lax).

Cheers
P.S. Go Gophers!

SAT Practice Question

I know you are all studying hard for the SAT coming up next month, so here is a pratice question to help you out. Good luck!

The once a year mating rituals of the Gigolo Ant would suggest that it was a mythical creature created by Benjamin Franklin, but without adequate research we may never know when the ants will wake from hibernation to ruin Thanksgiving with their mating calls.

What is the authors argument in this passage?
a. I like cake.
b. The ghost of Benjamin Franklin has come back from the grave and is cloning robot versions of Rachael Ray.
c. The Walrus uses its thick layer of fat to keep it warm in your grocer's freezer.
d. Batman doesn't love you anymore.

Kitty Call for Wojohoski

Dear Alexander Wojohoski,
I fear that you have once again been trapped under the Jewish Community Center Pool by Manveer after losing to him in a calculator tetris match. If you are out there, please answer this kitty call. Otherwise, we will send out the search and rescue and the representatives from Elmer's Glue.
Love,
Mister T
P.S. We have taken a step forward in our quest to name a cat after you. Oink.

Dear Billy,

I'm soooooo over you. You dumped me, thinking I would come crawling right back to you, but you have another thing coming since you don't play me like that. Billy I've listened to shitloads of angry girl music and have come to this conclusion: YOU'RE SUCH A DICK.

You're most likely already aware of this issue, but let me extrapolate. First, you played me like a violin, then got pissed since I wouldn't give you a kidney. Second, I hate you. Third, no amount of heroine can wash away the jizz stains left on my couch and for the sake of metaphor, my heart. Fourth, you were such a cheap ass munch it was not even funny, you peed yourself every time there was a sale at J.C. Penny, sooo unmanly. Fifth, axe, bad choice man, girls don't like axe.

So in closing, though the sex was amazing exploratory and likely illegal in some way, we are totally and utterly DONE. No booty calls, and I'm taking Poodle's world mags you left here as asshole tax. Please don't talk to me again, and just come out of the closet already, you rather unsightly male.

The Number One Issue Facing Americans Today

The above picture may appear to be an innocent looking tool for placing a weary buttocks, but it is also a symbol for the evils and sins of the modern American lifestyle.

Let's consider for a moment: how many times have you ever been to a conference or a presentation or a school dance or a talent show or a rock concert where there were not enough place for all in attendance to sit down? Maybe you were lucky enough to arrive early and procure a seat, but what about the countless other people who were forced to be uncomfortable while they stood making their magic show or dance recital that much more uncomfortable.

Considering our massive industrial capabilities, as a country America must surely have more chairs than people. If you consider all chairs in all the stores, storage rooms, attics, auditoriums, and movie theaters in America, I would imagine if every individual in America wanted to sit down at the same time, there would be space. Yet, why then at countless events is there a shortage of seating?

Americans are more interested in showing off their own talents on a stage than they are in planning for the needs of other people. While chairs maybe be the most obvious, the lack of caring takes place in many forms in American life, from people not offering lemonaide or coffee to their guests to the existence of poverty in our country.

This is why I, Mr. Manners, am yelling from the roof tops: bring on the manners revolution! If you see someone show bad manners throw your salad fork at them; if you see a gentleman not holding the door open for a lady take a poop on their car after they have gone inside; if you see an auditorium without enough seating set the place on fire (but not before warning your polite friends).

It is time that all of us well manner people stop putting up with the greed and corruption of the uncouth masses around us who refuse to politely accommodate others. Our revolution is underway and just like our forefathers, we are fighting for our very freedom, our very identities, and our very rights to have a seat at a Fleetwood Mac concert.